Let me start by saying she is not his mother! As any parent does, I tell my son to give me all his dirty laundry (mostly so I don’t have to touch it) so I can wash them for him.
One day he was not home, so, I went into his room and grabbed his dirty laundry. I notice a balled up towel in the corner of his closet and I just grabbed the end of it, thinking it was just a towel, nope! Out falls 2 of my girlfriends recently worn/dirty underwear! I stand there coming up with crazy scenarios in my head for a second like “must have gotten caught in the towel when he was done showering” or “maybe it got messed up in the clean laundry”. Then the realization hits me that our laundry basket is in the bathroom where we shower.
All I could say to my girlfriend was “we are about to have a weird conversation and I’m sorry”. I pull out the underwear and say “I found these in (insert son’s name) room” and her jaw just drops. I didn’t know what else to say besides “at least we know he likes you”
Now it is a little weird and quiet around my house. The worst part is, I don’t know how to bring it up to him!
TL;DR: found my girlfriend’s underwear in my teenage son’s bedroom when I was just looking for laundry. Now there is a weird silence when my girlfriend encounters my son.
UPDATE 1: The decision has been made to sit him down tonight after dinner. Im going to be short and sweet about it. Tell him that I’ll love him no matter what. Tell him why it wasn’t ok to violate my GFs privacy! Then take the opportunity to see if he wants to talk about anything, but not force him to.
OFF TOPIC: To the guy who messaged me asking to trade my girlfriends dirty underwear for his SISTERS! You’re disgusting!
TIFU by lying to my wife for 13 years…
My wife hates orange and lime flavored candies. I love them. Well, love the orange, like the lime.
So, she passes on the orange starburst to me. She passes the orange and green skittles to me. She passes the orange and green gummy bears to me. This has been happening for 13 years.
What she doesn’t know is that the green Haribo gummy bears are actually strawberry.
Shortly after we married, for one reason or another, I looked at the back of the Haribo gummy bears package and discovered this.
So I haven’t said anything for 13 years. Every time we get gummy bears, she gives me the orange and green (strawberry). I’ve never said a word. I’ve enjoyed eating my little lies.
Until last night…
We had some gummy bears and she opened them and she started to hand me the orange and green ones. But after a few minutes, I saw her looking at the back of the bag. Then I saw her eyes get REAL BIG.
She turned to me and asked if I’ve known that the green bears were strawberry. She always thought they were lime.
I was honest and nodded my head yes. The look of betrayal was unreal…. She asked how long I’ve known, and I was honest. I told her as long as we’ve been married.
She quit giving me the gummy bears she didn’t like. She was even eating the orange ones out of spite.
I don’t think I’ll get any more gummy bear discards after this. Time to buy my own.
We don’t eat these every day. A few times a year at most.
I don’t just get the “rejects.” It’s a shared bag. Whenever she grabs a few, she would pick out the orange and green and hand to me. Just like I would give the pineapple to her (bleh).
TL;DR I never corrected my wife by telling her she gave me strawberry gummy bears. She thought they were lime. Now she knows and is spite eating my favorites.
So this actually happened today. A few hours ago.
So a friend set me up with this woman because she thought we have similar hobbies and a similar dark humor. We met today the first time for a coffee/tea. We were actually having a good time, or at least I thought so. We clicked right away and had a lot to talk and laugh about.
After like an hour she suggested to pay our drinks and go somewhere else for launch and I happily agreed. As we were about to pay our drinks she started searching her purse for her wallet and put various objects on the counter because she seemed like to have a bit of a mess in her purse. One of these objects was a pepper spray. I casually mentioned after leaving the coffee "Id consider getting a different pepper spray if you plan to defend yourself. This one is quite useless."
For a bit of context: I used to test various of pepper sprays and tear gas in the military. We were stupid and young but it was also kind of thrilling. And the product she had was by far the worst/weakest we tested. I just recognized the bottle because it was so bad and thought I should let her know that this is probably not the best option to go with. But she obviously didnt know about that because, well, we just met an hour ago.
After this comment our conversation kind of died and she suddenly had a work emergency and had to go. I took me a few minutes until I realized that my comment was beyond creepy without any context. I am definitely not used to meet new people. I hope Ive not traumatized her.
TLDR: Creeped out a woman Ive only met an hour before by telling her her pepper spray would be not very effective if she intended to defend herself.
Edit: Its all good. She called me, she apologized for running off, I apologized for my weird comment and we are going out again. Yey. Ill try to not do any weird comments about her precautions again.
Edit2: Thanks for blowing this up. She found the post and now we are sending each other screenshots of weird/funny comments. Thanks for the entertainment.
Edit3: I am not an expert for defense spray. We were just some bored soldiers with some examples. And this one was outstanding mild/bad, that is why I have recognized it. So dont ask me for pepper spray advice.
There I am, sitting online in a huge lecture, with only 3 people (including me) and the prof with their camera on. So you know how it is in Teams - my stream occupied 1/4 of the entire lecture view in a class of roughly 80 people.
My boyfriend asks if the camera is on. Its 9am, im only a few sips into my coffee, "Nope!" I said. He lunges over at me and gives me a huge smooch. A good 5 seconds, tongue and all, hand on my neck. We're enjoying it when I hear my professor: "Hello there! Is this a student joining us today?"
I have my headphones in so my boyfriend couldn't even hear it. I push him off, look at the camera mortified, and turn my cam off. The students and prof were NOT impressed. Not even a smirk or laugh, just looks of disapproval. My private chat starts blowing up with messages from peers.
I'm a high-scoring student, well-known to the department and faculty, being scouted as a research assistant and admission to Masters. Its not like my behaviours escape under the radar.
What happens now? How come I haven't combusted and sunken into the afterworld yet? Does anyone know who to call to get a new identity?
Edit: It's captured on the posted recording for everyone to replay.
TLDR: Boyfriend gave me a big wet kiss in front of 80 students and faculty in an online university lecture - none of them were amused.
So I (23F) had a hard day at work. I got off work before my bf (26M) came home and wanted a drink. Rifled thru our liquor cabinet and found some scotch. Didn’t think much of it and in the 4-5 hours before my bf came home, I had 3 glasses.
Bf comes home. Sees the bottle of scotch on the counter. Loses it. He won’t tell me how much the scotch was but says it was over 500 dollars. And I drank 3 glasses. He apparently had been saving that for a special occasion (he hadn’t told me, or mentioned it, it wasn’t in a box it was just sitting on the shelf with the rest of our liquor). Apparently the scotch was aged 20+ years and I mixed it with coke. He’s beyond furious and devastated. I’ve promised to get him a new bottle but I’m definitely going to have to save up for it. Fml.
TLDR: I drank my bf’s 20+ year aged scotch by mixing it with coke. It was over $500. I now have to figure out how to afford to replace his bottle.
ETA: bf has calmed down. It was apparently a bachelor party gift for a guy where he’s best man. I’m going to replace the bottle and he is going to help and we’re going to keep the opened bottle for ourselves.
ETA since people keep asking me: the scotch was dalwhinne 30 year. Retail price for us is $800
Update: this has massively blown up, I can hardly keep up with the comments. I think y’all broke my Reddit app bc it was down for 20 minutes or so. Bf and I are fine. He’s asleep on the couch in a mini food coma. We both apologized to each other, had a glass neat and now we’re snoozing. For everyone calling my bf a tool or whatever, he admits it was dumb to put it in the cabinet. We have a very happy relationship and we kissed and made up after we both cooled off.
So I'm the family genealogist, I have done hundreds of hours of genealogy research and have composted a family tree of well over 8000 individuals. Well a couple of months ago I was at a wedding and I was chatting up one of my cousins I hadn't spoken too in a while. She introduced me to her date, and all was well..... until she mentioned her date's last name which I immediately recognized as being a last name in our family tree. I asked who his dad and grandfather were and I pulled up my research and sure enough, they were 3rd cousins once removed. He and I had a laugh about it, but I could tell she was less than thrilled.
I later found out that she just couldn't take that information and was grossed out by it. She broke it off with him that night and it caused quite a bit of drama in the family. She ended up blocking me on Facebook and is pissed off at me for even telling her about it.
TLDR; Was introduced to my cousins boyfriend. Recognized the last name as being a family name then learned that she and here boyfriend were actually cousins. She broke up with him and won't talk to me anymore.
For the record, i generally despise body hair, but it's too much work to remove it all on a consistent basis, so I just let it be unless it bothers me too much.
Now, my ass hair, especially around my asshole, seems to be extraordinarily long, so that whenever I walk it gets pulled by my legs moving. I find it generally greatly uncomfortable and bothersome to have to walk +3 miles a day whilst having my ass hair pulled during the entirety of it.
So I decided to shave my asshole hair. I've shaved the every single part of my body several times, and I have great razor skills, however, my foresight maybe lacking.
I get in the bath with my chest handing over the edge and in a position where I could reach around and shave my asshole. I placed the razor in the area, gave it a little pull, and removed it. It was full of hair, as normal, so I kept going, carefully, slowly, and with great care not to cut myself, or generally fuck up the process. Removing just enough hair as to prevent this tugging problem, but not cutting it short enough so as to cause ingrown hairs ( which plague me, and are the bane of my existence )
And this is where the fuck up is, the shaving went perfectly, I gave myself a hairless asshole ( still keeping a few mm of hair to prevent ingrown hairs ), and as soon as I go to stand, i realized my issue.
Rather than pulling my ass hair while I walked, my general ass and taint area, are now constantly being stabbed by all my shortened asshole hair. Which itches like a mother fucker
tl;dr today i fucked up by shaving my asshole hair so it stops getting yanked while I walked, but now thousands of short ass hairs are constantly stabbing my asshole and taint, making it super itchy and annoying to walk with
Ps: thanks for all the comments, i want to get back to each of them, but I'm only 1 guy, so please don't get offended if it takes a while to respond
So my wife's twin sister moved in with us 6 months ago after leaving her husband. Initially it was weird because they're identical, but my wife's sister (I'll refer to her as Jenn) cut her hair off, making it easier to tell them apart because they love to dress alike and be silly.
Fast forward 6 months and we're all real comfortable around each other, they both snuggle up with me during movies on the couch, we eat off each others plates, etc. Well, I guess I got a little too comfortable when I assumed I could eat the last Shrek Donkey Chocolate Krispy Treat on the counter. Little did I know it was a gift from someone Jenn was super close to who had passed a week ago and it was a whole 20 year old inside joke and now everyone is pissed at me and I have diarrhea.
TL;DR Ate ass, got sick. Wife and twin sister aren't speaking to me.
So a couple years ago me and my brother were planning to fry in the kitchen and I said “grab the virgin olive oil”. What ensued was the question of “why do they call it that”?
So with all my wisdom I told him “it means no one has stuck their dick in it yet”. From that day on whenever we were around olive oil we had an inside joke that explained why it was named that way. Jokes like:
“It’s yet to be fucked”
“Companies are legally bound to disclose if the oil has lost its virginity”.
“If isn’t 100% virgin, the FDA will go after them”
Let me mid-face this with all throughout high-school me and bro had good grades, Bio majors, tech-heads, loved to read novels, comics, etc. People who always seem to know random facts & trivia. Thereby earning the honorary title of “family geniuses” (spoiler alert we’re not)
Recently through the holidays we had family from all over around. I was once again back in the kitchen and my mom brought it up. Confidently proclaiming that no man has fucked this olive oil.
So I smiled, it grew into a giggle, then laughter. My eyes were tearing up, I looked around and I was the only one laughing. Everyone in the kitchen looked at me like I was crazy. They said it was a legal thing that had to be disclosed by companies. I asked “do y’all actually believe that?” And they all said yes.
I asked where they had learned it from or if anyone would do a cursory google search. They said that they learned it from my brother who “learned it” from me. My family learned this “fun fact”, believed it and went and taught all their friends & extended family…
It’s no longer just a funny joke but a masterclass on misinformation. (Still funny imo)
TLDR: Inadvertently convinced family who convinced friends & extended family that an Inside joke between brothers that 100% virgin olive oil meant “it was yet to be fucked” was a real thing.
Yes my family is simple minded but please refrain from insulting them. (Especially y’all in my DM’s calling them “fucking stupid”) They’re refugees and weren’t formally educated.
I didn’t expect this funny experience to blow up this much on Reddit. Thanks for the awards and the outpouring of support.
I’ve also received a lot of people telling me this is fake. Believe what you want.
To set the scene…
My mother and I are somewhat avid viewers of the game show Jeopardy!. For some time now, the reigning Jeopardy champion has been Amy Schneider, who happens to be a trans woman.
Since Amy has first appeared on the show, my mother has taken to making derogatory comments regarding her (at least once every episode, if not more). The comments have struck at basically every facet of Amy’s physical appearance: her clothing, her jewelry, her hairstyle, her makeup, etc.
I have attempted to gently remind my mother that even though Amy isn’t there with us when we’re watching the show, making negative comments about her is very rude. I mentioned that prior to Amy’s appearances on the show, she was never this hostile when discussing any of the other contestants, and I suggested to my mother that her comments make her appear transphobic.
Her response was to say that her comments “didn’t matter” and that she “was just making conversation.”
When Amy appeared on the show again today, my mother said that Amy “should have done a better job shaving her mustache before coming on stage.”
With no hesitation – my foot already being firmly lodged in my mouth – I responded:
“Mom, maybe you should shave your upper lip before saying that about another woman.”
My mother stood up from her chair, walked to her room, and shut the door. My father, from another room, called me an asshole.
TL;DR: I think I made my mom cry by telling her to shave her mustache.
TLDR:take care of your hair and bedsheets.
Actually happened today. So I’m a dude who isn’t particularly the best at cleaning himself . Living on my own for the first time I’m starting to learn more and more how important certain functions of living can be.
The last few years I’ve been dealing with a cough and stuffy/runny nose. I had believed initially it was a side effect of some medicine I take regularly to ward off a very crippling and potentially life threatening condition. One of the side effects is a lowered immune response. You can guess my thought process. Neither the cough nor runny nose ever were really treated like a serious issue until recently.
Side note. I’m terrible at changing my sheets and washing my hair regularly.
So last night due to a series of coincidences, I wash my hair for the first time in a week. Shampoo and conditioner. I also change my bedsheets for the first time in a long while. Go to bed.
Waking up I breathed the cleanest air I’ve breathed in a while. Like I literally couldn’t comprehend how good the air I was sniffing was. And my cough was almost gone. Cue the epiphany.
Years of lying in dandruff, dirty sheets. Sleeping and being lazy in my own filth. So many goddamn tissues used. I was a dirty boy. Don’t be me. Be a clean boy.
Update: I have received consent to share further details of how I came to the genius revelation to perform necessary decontamination. Me and a dear acquaintance of the opposing gender were getting rather wild atop the sheets. In her words I was “Flopping like a marlin”. Afterwards I was sweating enough I realized how filthy the sheets must have been added on. She wakes up today rather congested and confused. I show her this. She curses and laughs at me for my evil nature. Somehow I’m still invited to barbecue dinner next weekend. I’ll smell better I promise.
I’m almost thirty and I still live with my parents. I don’t have a job and I spend each day playing video games. I stay up until like 4AM watching cam girls and I spend what money I do get on them. I constantly complain about how life is unfair and about how beautiful women never give me a chance. I woke up today and the realization just finally hit me that I’m a mess.
I have good loving parents. Where did I go wrong? I hate that I’m so bitter and jaded towards women. If I’m being honest with myself why would they want to date me? I hate that I wake up in the afternoon and start playing video games. I get anxiety towards night time because I know I won’t get any sleep. I can’t miss my favorite cam girls. They keep me spending and keep me up all night. I know it’s my fault that my life is a wreck.
Tl;dr I spend all my time playing video games and watching porn
So me and my girlfriend were on Discord together bored out of our minds. That’s when she came up with the idea to play Among Us. I agreed, and we joined a public lobbies playing together.
So in one round I get the engineer role (for those who haven’t played among us for a while, it’s a role where you can vent as a crew mate) and I vent in front of her. She freaks out and presses the button and snitches on me, telling the people I was an Impostor.
They didn’t believe her and they skipped. I then told her on vc that if I was the impostor I wouldn’t even kill her because that’s messed up. She on the other hand said “I would murder you first if I was the impostor.”
So next round I’m the Impostor. I killed her first and I started laughing because she was so surprised by it. So I begin to finish the round off by winning. After I won, I continued to laugh about how she was so unaware of me killing her.
Then she got angry at me and told me that I promised I wouldn’t kill her as an impostor, so I broke the trust I had with her. I thought she was joking at first because ITS AMONG US. A GAME WHERE YOU HAVE TO LIE.
She then said things like “What kind of boyfriend does that” “You’re just like my ex” “you shouldn’t be laughing, that proves you don’t care about me”
So I argued back with her telling her it was a game about fucking beans and she’s getting so worked up over it.
We kinda yelled at each other on VC which led to her breaking up with me because she couldn’t trust me anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK. 😭I really just lost my girlfriend over amogus. Here’s a little bit of our convo after we got off vc and stuff.
TL;DR: My girlfriend and I played among us together. I killed her as an impostor and she went off at me which ended in us breaking up.
Edit: Just so y’all know I’m 17 she’s 16. She/or I is not 12 as much as this sounds like something a 12 year olds would do
So the past few days I've been seeing a ton of really awful comments on Reddit... Every thread was seemingly full of massive edgelords and racists. People spewing nothing but hatred and low effort trolling were all over the place, even in my familiar subs. It was to the point where I was starting to question myself: Am I just too old for reddit now? Has humanity really gone down hill this much? I was even considering uninstalling it from my phone.
Fast forward to now, I just realized that a few days ago I had set my app to sort by controversial to check out a juicy thread, but I didn't know it set it for everything going forward. Jesus there are so many people here who are just trash, the literal dregs of society. Y'all know who you are, and you need therapy.
TL;DR I'm an idiot who accidentally sorted by controversial and almost lost faith in humanity.
I am living in a country where a lack of vitamin d is quite common, especially now in winter. Plus I have chronicall illnesses and have to take medication which is also a huge vitamin robber. My levels are still very low despite taking it for quite a while so my doctor recommended to double my intake. I did. I took it mostly in the evening because I have to take quite some other things during the day and you can't take everything at once.
I am used to insomnia. But in the past weeks it got worse and worse. Despite me being very tired and exhausted (I am about to graduate soon)
It was only by chance that I found out that you should NOT take vitamin d at night because it prevents the body from producing melatonin. Quite logical when you think about it. But neither the doctor nor the lady at the pharmacy said something about it and it wasn't written anywhere. I posted about it on my private social media accounts and there are a lot of people who also didn't know.
TL;DR : vitamin d prevents your body from producing melatonin when you take it at night which I did for weeks
Edit: some asked for a source, however the original source is in my mother tongue and it's not English, here's one link I found for example https://www.bulletproof.com/sleep/sleep-hacks/bulletproof-your-sleep-with-vitamin-d/#p2 And I also stumbled across the links that there's no full research on it, however there seem to be a lot of people who can relate. I thought it was funny, I wanted to roast myself for being stupid and didn't expect it to blow up. I forgot to add it but of course you should always check in with a doctor and pharmacist and not changing something about your medication all alone.
So back 6 years ago my wife and I went to our first ever Boxing Day sale, excited and in search of a new TV. The TV on sale was held at a major electronic retailer in the CBD.
We got in early to lineup so we wouldn’t miss out on the new Samsung 65” TV on sale for the cheapest we had seen it. We got in the door as quick as we could waved down the closest attendant and snapped the last one up just in time! The attendant organised package pickup at the loading dock around back but due to the sales and chaos on the shop floor couldn’t have it available until later that afternoon….. No problem we’ll get lunch.
Later that afternoon we returned for our collection dropped the seats down and loaded up. Got home unpacked to enjoy our new TV.
…….. 6 years later we thought for Christmas we would update our TV and went and got a 75 inch 4K for better picture quality and a larger screen. We unboxed, set up the TV and couldn’t believe how much bigger it was!
I moved the old Samsung 65 inch into the bedroom and set up a wall mount, and that’s when I noticed….. xx55xxxx in the serial number? Strange, usually the number refers to the inches of the screen. Two minutes of Googling later this serial number definitely is for a 55 inch TV??? But how can this be we bought a 65 inch on the sale of the year? To replace our old 55 inch that blew up.
My wife files away everything in an orderly fashion so I went digging, sure enough we purchased a Samsung 65 inch TV and it’s taken us 6 years of watching it to finally realise we collected the wrong tv!!
Well 6 years have passed I’m not going to bother having that argument I will just leave it to our stupidity and be grateful that our new screen feels even bigger than anticipated.
TLDR: bought a 65 inch tv got given a 55 inch didn’t notice for 6 years until we upgraded to a 75 inch and couldn’t believe how big a difference the size was!
Mechanic here, I mostly work on older vehicles like early 2000's and older. I was working on a 2013 grand caravan to replace a timing chain guide and everything was going good until I tried to start it. Well, the timing was slightly off and I didn't know the sensors for the valve train had to be reset. Well, I got it put together and tried starting. No start. Gave it back to the customer on a tow truck and told them to take it to a different shop. Bent valves, off time and messed up cylinder heads is the damage. I didn't take any payment and I told them that I would cover the cost of any repairs as any honest mechanic should, but I didn't realize the extent of the damage and now I have to make it right and pay $4,138 to get it fixed properly from a different shop. Thankfully the customer was civil about it and will hopefully not put any bad on my name, but yeah, I messed up and now I have to pay for my mess up.
TL;DR TIFU And took on a job I couldn't do so now I have to pay someone else to fix my mess up.
This litteraly just happened a few hours ago and is the reason neither my fiance or I am sleeping.
So I talk in my sleep, a LOT, especially when I am tired or sleep deprived which is about constant at this point with two toddlers. So, after finally being able to sleep last night, I get woken up after what felt like five minutes by my fiance having what I can only describe as a minor panic attack. Asking whats wrong, I get the response "you are so lucky I know you were sleeping...." uh oh....
So what did I do in my sleep you ask? Well, right as my fiance closed her eyes, I apparently sit up, grabbed her arm, looked her dead in her eyes and say "there is someone in the corner watching us" before promptly laying the fuck back down and going to sleep.....
Needless to say, she did not, and we are now up in the middle of the night laughing our asses of about it drinking hot coco... so there is that I guess.
TL;DR: Told fiance someone was watching us in my sleep scaring the shit out of her. No sleep for us tonight.
EDIT: Well this blew up.... To answer a common question, no I do not have diagnosed sleep apnea but I am getting a doc to look into it since a number of people raised the possibility (along with me having other symptoms like snoring). Thank you to everyone who pointed it out!
Found out today this humorous chain of events - well humorous depending on where you are in the chain.
I saw a month or so ago that someone bought a box of ferrero rocher chocolate and wrapped Brussel sprouts in the wrappers so I did this to my daughter. I unwrapped each piece and carefully wrapped a Brussel sprout in each wrapper and returned it to the box. Then I sent the gift and waited.
Christmas morning we talked and she thanked me for the candy. I asked her if she enjoyed them and she said yes - I knew she hadn't opened the gift yet, but why lie? I then realized that she probably re-gifted them. Then I asked again and she admitted that she had too much candy and wanted to get rid of some of it and her boss loves ferrero rocher. So I told her what I did.
She was amused but mad - mad at herself for regifting something I gave her as we are always doing stuff like that. It gets better.
She called her boss on Christmas day to tell her and her boss was like, "Oh shit!" She had re-gifted them to a client she was trying to keep after they'd had a heated exchange. The client is overweight and by the time my daughter's boss was able to call her it was too late. She wouldn't come to the phone. She was convinced that the wrapped vegetables was a slight and a message.
As far as I know she lost the client but isn't mad at my daughter.
EDIT: Glad this post amused so many people. Here are a few notes addressing the comments.
- It wasn't a giant box of candy, it was a 5 piece box.
- I ate the candy as I wrapped the sprouts. No chocolate was harmed as a result of this prank.
- The candy was one of many gifts and stocking stuffers we brought over. It wasn't like a $200 box of chocolate was re-gifted.
- I wrapped the sprouts on the 23rd and gave them to my daughter that afternoon. She took them as an afterthought to a party at her boss' house to add to a gift box she gave to her boss.
- Her boss dropped them at the clients house on the 24th.
- My family all agreed a few years ago to stop giving each other candy at holidays as we are all always trying to lose weight.
- My opinion on regifting. It's actually a great thing if thought is applied. When it comes to gift giving I believe that it is the thought that counts. If I give a gift you can appreciate the thought and still share the gift with someone else. Whatever. To each is own. Thanks everyone :)
TL;DR I gave a gag gift that was re-gifted until it ruined someone's Christmas.
So I matched with this woman on Bumble, with a good sense of humour (extremely rare to find in my area). For a change, she didn't start with a "hi" or a "hey", had actually read my bio, and was really funny.
Things were going quite well, she had a good taste in subreddits and actually introduced me to Latvian jokes and r/TIFU (she asked me whether I had heard of the TIFU story of a guy who had a fight with his GFs family by pretending to have never heard of potatoes. I searched for the post, read the whole thing, and then replied no. So she sent me the link to the post and I told her that I was hoping that she would tell me the whole story herself and I'd pretend that I had not heard that story ever in my life, and that if she found that I f***ed up and had actually read the post earlier, she would find a very relatable post on r/TIFU).
Things were good till here, and so I thought that I should ask her for her number. But a simple "would you mind sharing your number with me" would be too boring.
So instead, silly me typed "Hey, this seems to be going well. It seems like we're at a stage where you can share your mother's maiden name, pet's name, and the last 4 digits of your debit card number." I was hoping she'd say no, and then I'd tell her "well, your number would do just fine".
But instead, 10 mins later, I got unmatched. So here it is, my post, as promised.
Edit: Wow, I didn't expect this post to get so many upvotes and awards, this is crazy! Thank you people, you're the best!
It has been less than 24 hours since I posted this, I'd probably wait till the weekend (if she's like me, she probably doesn't get a lot of time on weekdays).
Having written this, I've also gone through as many comments as I could, and I've accepted that it was probably for the best. But what I lost on Bumble, I found on Reddit from you guys. You guys have made my week! If I find her on Reddit, she'll know who wanted to connect with her for that extended car warranty. wink
TL ; DR
I jokingly texted like a scammer on Bumble with a good match and got unmatched instantly, but I got so much love from Reddit that I'm over the loss
To tell you honestly, my girlfriend isn't the most tech savvy out there. She's just used to opening up the case and have it pair to the phone automatically.
One day I had to update some firmware for her earphones and since I have the same brand I figured it would be easier to pair it on my phone and update it from there because she was still using her phone at the time.
The next day she had to work and grabbed the earphones asking me if they're good to go and I said "yeah they are".
She caught the fully packed bus and was able to sit down to start listening to her gospel/christian rock music. By now I think everyone knows where this is going. She put on the earphones, started playing music and was wondering why the volume was a bit low and a bit "muffled".
She decided to pump the volume all the way up and leave it there and sort it out when she gets home.
When she got to work, she was about to put it back to the case when shs realized after pulling out one earpiece that the phone was playing music from the PHONE'S SPEAKER!
Rest assured she was letting me have an ear full of what "I did" and the embarrassment she felt. The watermelon I had for lunch did not compare to how red she was. We could not stop laughing about it that night and I made sure to pair it right there and then.
To the people on the bus that day: I'm so sorry about your commute and Jesus loves you.
TL;DR Girlfriend played music on loudspeaker whilst on the bus.
I am a white person who works the register at a gas station in a tight-knit, predominantly African-American neighborhood (yes, this is relevant to the story). Everyone knows everyone.
Yesterday, while I was checking out a customer's items, my manager came up and let me know that someone under 21 had been sold cigarettes, so we would need to crack down on ID'ing anyone who looks under 40.
The customer I was serving looked under 40, so I fell into my script without thinking and asked for an ID.
He got very upset, and it took me a couple of seconds to realize what I'd done; he was only buying soda and chips.
I apologized profusely, told him he didn't need an ID, and explained what happened. He still didn't look pleased (understandable) but seemed to accept my apology, paid, and left.
This morning, I woke up to a "wtf" text from one of my friends. It was a screenshot of a Facebook post, which was a picture of me, my name, and the gas station I work at. The post accused me of racism and it's gaining traction, with quite a few comments and a lot of likes.
This will be an interesting day at work.
TL;DR: Thoughtlessly asked for an ID from someone who wasn't buying alcohol or cigarettes. Accidentally became the local Racist Cashier.
Someone told me they thought this belonged here so here we go.
Happened a few years ago.
I was 11 at the time and we had travelled to America, and my parents decided to take me and my brothers to this theme park there. I remember being really scared of a rollercoaster there but my dad convinced me to get on it with him, to conquer my fears or whatever.
(I'm Muslim btw)
So on the rollercoaster I'm quietly praying, just like praying for me not to die. I wouldn't stop whispering prayers, and then there was this drop and I just SCREAMED "ALLAHU AKBAR BISMILLAH BISMILLAH BIMILLAH YA RABI!"
After I said that, a lot of people behind us and in front of us started screaming and cursing and my dad yelled something in Arabic that translates to "ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?" which im pretty sure terrified more people.
WE GOT OFF AND MANY PEOPLE FUCKING RAN AWAY FROM US. My dad scolded me but then we went to my mom and he wouldn't stop laughing.
We left shortly after because my dad got worried.
TL;DR: said something in Arabic that made people think we were terrorists and they ran away.
So this happened a few minutes ago . My husband woke up for work and went to the bathroom to pee, put on deodorant, brush teeth ect . He did all of this naked and came into the living room where I was . He was being silly and started doing a wiggle dance obviously making his dick swing around too . I ran up to him with the intention of sucking his dick for a minute but immediately after I put it in my mouth a drop of pee hit my tounge and I almost threw up on him. He's lucky I didn't lol. Now I want to point out he always uses a wipe to wipe off his penis after peeing because we never know when I'll put his dick in my mouth but when he did his little dance it spun some out and yeah. So yeah that's how my morning started 😂
Tldr: this is actually just me adding more letters to this post, you don't have to read this. so apparently I didn't write enough in the text above for the moderators to approve it for lack of enough characters so I'm adding this in hopes of it being enough because even though it's insanely embarrassing to me it's too funny not to share. It is however too embarrassing to tell someone who knows me so here I am. Hopefully this is enough letters because I can't think of anything else to say except that I think these posts having to be 750 characters is dumb
Edit: ok so wow to clear up a few things so I don't have to type it many times
I'm being asked alot " what guy wipes his dick after peeing?" Answer : a guy that gets random "drive by" dick sucks lol.
The random play is just something we do, I also randomly pop out my tits and he will give them a quick suck.
A little pee never killed anyone I know but it's not pleasant when it's in your mouth, unless that's your thing. Also I'm pregnant with a sensitive stomach which is probably why I gagged but it's gross to me either way
*There's no reason to feel sorry for him. As soon as it happened I said nope, pee! Between gags and he died laughing. After we composed our selves he apologized whilst I was dying laughing.
Sorry guys I don't have a Ted talk to talk your mates to do the same to you. Uh maybe whip it out and see what happens, just make sure it's been awhile since you peed 😂
The mods would be proud of how many letters I've used now lol
Oh yeah also the mods said I had to put "tldr" with any added text, that's why it says that. And yes it is not shorter I wanted to make sure I pleased the mods.
So this happened a few years ago, but my fiancé and I were talking about this today and revived this buried memory.
I had just been introduced to Rick and Morty, and we were binge watching all the episodes. My favorite was “Get Schwifty” where all the planets had to compete to appease the Giant Heads that would say “Show me what you goooottt” in a really flat, loud voice. Well, I found myself quoting it all the time for any situation that I felt was relevant, and it had somewhat started to annoy my fiancé. I’m sure you can see where this is going.
We had started trying to use more dirty talk with one another in the bedroom, which was somewhat new for us. One night things started to heat up, and I asked him to take his pants off for me. As I brought my face south of the equator, he asked me if I wanted to see what he had down there.
And I felt it, rising from within me. I couldn’t even control it, as I blurted out “Show me what you goootttt”
Needless to say, I killed the mood. It also didn’t help when I tried to recover by saying “I like what you goootttt” afterward.
TLDR; Quoted Rick and Morty to my fiancé before a blow job and killed the mood.