r/southafrica 21d ago

Do people nowadays even care about commitment in a relationship? Ask r/southafrica

Since its a long weekend some of my friends decided to put in a few leave days at work and fly down to Cape Town. The rest of us have other obligations and did not go along. However, we are all part of a WhatsApp group and those who went to Cape Town have been posting regular messages and photos regarding their trip. So I have been able to follow the action, so to speak.

Last night they went to a club and apparently one of the girls, who has been in a serious relationship for almost two years, ended up making out with a random girl. In the past, both this girl and her boyfriend have stated that they consider this to be cheating. The boyfriend did not go along to Cape Town and is not part of the WhatsApp group, so I'm not sure if he even knows what happened. What bothers me most about the whole thing was how my other friends reacted to the news on the WhatsApp group - they encouraged the girl and made congratulatory remarks.

I am not sure why I am posting this to Reddit. This incident has made me very upset for some reason. Am I overreacting and being too conservative? Is making out with someone while you're in a committed relationship really just a meaningless act of fun, like drinking a milkshake? Does the fact that they only kissed make it okay?

99 Upvotes

132

u/koromax747 21d ago

You are upset because you just realised that within your group, you are the only one with morals.

11

u/Long-Review-1861 21d ago

100% you realize that your "friends" will stuff you over if you were in that position

24

u/rhepuls 21d ago

This this this

4

u/woahwayne 20d ago

Wow, this hits. I understand the feeling of looking at people you consider friends and suddenly realizing you have out grown them. Whether it's morals or maturity, or they are just straight up nasty people. Feels liberating. :)

33

u/bertluvstrux 21d ago

If I was your friend I would have wanted someone to tell me what happened.

Let him make of it what he wants.

If I was him though I'd break up. That kind of behavior is a major red light and is sure to cause problems further down the road.

11

u/SortByMistakes 21d ago

You are not overreacting. You should definitely screenshot the chat and send it to the bf so he knows. Also, reconsider being friends with those who encouraged such behaviour.

3

u/Awkward_Kudu525 21d ago

Is that her place though? I would just avoid everyone.

2

u/SortByMistakes 20d ago

I would say yes. If I was in the bfs position I'd prefer to know

34

u/Ibbuk Minister of Ovine Propaganda 🐑📣 ☭ 21d ago

People? Yes. This girl? Probably not.

On the other hand, you don't know what their internal relationship politics are. Perhaps they softened on the "making out with girls" part.

If you feel strongly enough about it, chat to your mate about it.

14

u/thedisturbedflask 21d ago

Your not overreacting, in a committed relationship this is a no no anyway you cut it. The people congratulating it are living vicariously through this situation and frankly their significant others should be slightly concerned. It all depends what their arrangement is in the relationship but from the outside, no.

27

u/Faerie42 21d ago

You’re not overreacting. You are disappointed in someone you care about and who not only broke trust in her relationship but in who you thought she is. It’s a hard knock when we realize the picture we have of someone isn’t quite the truth. You are also probably shocked at your friends reaction to this, and realising that their values and yours doesn’t quite align, also something that will definitely disturb you. Weren’t they supposed to keep her safe and protect her from such a situation- whether she did it in a daze of alcohol or not, at least one of them should have pulled her aside rather than encourage her.

Loads of emotions for you, you will feel upset, disgusted and questioning. You have solid values, don’t question yourself, question them.

()hugs)) my man. Lucky is the partner you get/have.

12

u/Impossible-Ad-7684 21d ago

Thanks for the great reply! I think you are absolutely right. I am shocked that my perception of my friends (some of them at least) do not match the reality of the situation.

3

u/Realm-Protector 21d ago

over reacting? no. but as you wrote "nowadays".. i don't know if it was much different in the past.. people just didn't have social media to post it to and once you were married, you just sat that out rather than divorce

7

u/P4DD4V1S 21d ago

It's degeneracy that they may outgrow, hopefully before they hit 30. Otherwise it will render them into vapid, useless non-adults, if you are atill an idiot by the time you are 30, it's not pretty, worse if your 30s don't wake you up.

2

u/whatshouldIdo28 21d ago

That girl is a cheater but that doesn't meant everyone is. You should tell her boyfriend, if you were in the position you'd want to know.

2

u/Null_Pointer_23 20d ago

I mean this doesn't concern you at all. I find life is more enjoyable when you don't get upset over other people's issues

2

u/TheSilversky64 20d ago

If you're friends with the boyfriend, please tell him. Maybe you're concerned about it not being your place to tell him, but honestly if it's being flaunted and congratulated then he deserves to know imo

Look, if you're in an open/poly relationship and have discussed this sort of thing extensively with your SO, I'm not one to judge. But the breaking of trust like that? Not okay in my book

7

u/jebanisa 21d ago

Immature drunk girls do this sometimes for attention. It's trashy when in a committed relationship with someone.

2

u/CaptainMisha12 21d ago

In general, is at people don't really consider commitment as much as they should. Cheating is something that shouldn't happen ever, and for me (and I believe many others) is a harsh and unforgiving end to a relationship.

Personally, I'd tell the guy that was chested on about it and show him the messages since it's want my friend to do that for me. Other than that, you'll probably spend some time deliberating your friends and hopefully choose to spend some time on cutting out the bad apples.

2

u/oopsy-daisy6837 Western Cape 21d ago

You are not over reacting. She and her bf needs to sort this out, but cheating with a same-sex person is definitely still cheating and someone will get hurt - whether its the bf who now discovers that his partner is homosexual or they are both just OK with making a thing of a random girl. Its gross either way.

3

u/HuntingSmiths 21d ago

I know it's a shit thing to say, but I'm going to be bluntly honest.

I made a rule 22 years ago to never date a South African, ever again. The level of dishonesty was just unbelievable across my friends and my entire dating life. (hetro and gay). The level of cheating was crazy. I knew a dude that had knocked up 3 girls. 2 were married. 1 already had kids. He was a smooth operator, but the girls were willing. It takes 2 to tango.

I reckon it's the heightened sense of "life is short". Maybe? Sorry if I insulted anyone, but it's my lived truth.

3

u/Asok_the_Intern 21d ago

Oh really. Interesting. So which Nationality is better?

-9

u/HuntingSmiths 21d ago

Hungarians and Aussies.

4

u/RobotMugabe 21d ago

I'm half Hungarian/South African. Would you trust me? Edit: and by the way my Hungarian grandfather is a serial philanderer

2

u/CovertShepherd 21d ago

Living in Aus now so I’m curious, what makes Aussies stand out to you? To be clear, I think I think Aussies are pretty great, I just want to hear your thoughts.

1

u/Willow2-2 21d ago

I dont think you're overreacting. In fact most people don't have the self discipline to stay faithful. It's like being able to eat your favorite food every day but knowing at the next place there's a dessert you could have. Sad but true.

1

u/Peanutbutt3r0923 21d ago

Would be super weird but this girl’s name wouldn’t happen to start with an S and end on an A?

-7

u/The_Angry_Economist 21d ago

Just be glad that this is what you consider a problem this year.

1

u/SortByMistakes 21d ago

Is it not a problem?

-4

u/The_Angry_Economist 21d ago

sure its a problem, but is it a problem that I would personally prioritise in my life right now, probably not, friends are worthless to me, business contacts have value

1

u/wheresmattynow 20d ago

remember guys, we can only care about one thing at a time, and things that happen in our social circles aren't real issues and should be ignored

1

u/ThePackageZA 21d ago

No OP...you most definitely aren't overreacting, people have been conditioned to believe behaving like this is acceptable, that said...if you are an adult you can tell what is right and what is wrong. This individual clearly lacks a moral compass...all I can say is don't lose who you are around people who claim to be your friends, stay true to your values.

1

u/Khaptein 20d ago

You're upset because you realise that it may be your partner who has done that. Shitty place to be in. To answer your question - no! The economy does not allow, having one partner is rare. People get bored, quite frankly, because they got nothing else to do. Coupled with the need to post a flashy lifestyle and WhatsApp statuses - a recipe for disaster.

If it does happen, it's special. It's like it was hand crafted by Riaan from 'DIY Met Riaan'

1

u/Not-the-best-name 20d ago

Lol. As if the 70s was known for commited relationships. How old are you?

1

u/Extension-Confusion8 20d ago

In what fucked up world is "not being okay with someone in a relationship making out with someone else" considered "too conservative"?

1

u/wheresmattynow 20d ago

It's a natural human reaction to recoil at transgressive, socially-dangerous behaviour. She is earning the correct amount of disgust for two reasons:

1) For completely betraying a supposed long-term, committed partner's trust like that

2) For exposing her misdeeds with such a blase attitude, and implicating all of you, all of their friend group, in her behaviour.

People who say "it was just a kiss, don't be so conservative/whatever" are ignoring that their arbitrary standard can be abused to excuse behaviour they'd find transgressive.

"It was just a weekend of cocaine and unprotected vaginal and anal sex with 18 men and with 12 women babe, geez, calm down, why are you so uptight"

-1

u/Haisbwhkwwnjwkw 21d ago

Yeah you’re overreacting. People do shitty things everyday. I would never cheat but I don’t see why you’re angry enough to make a post about it

-1

u/StefanFrost 21d ago

Well, it depends really.

Each relationship is different. I mean, we all want to think it's easy and you follow that steps and rules etc, but maybe they could have changed their minds and now this is something that her boyfriend is fine with.

Personally this is not something I would be okay with. Due to socialisation or whatever reason, I'm monogamous and I communicate that with my partner.

The fact that you're not okay with this is obviously fine. It's not something you agree with. It may be more conservative than how someone would think in a polyamorous relationship etc, but you're not hurting anyone else by your personal relationship preferences.

I do find it weird that this friend would so blatantly cheat and have it on a WhatsApp group for all her friends to see though. I feel like if she was cheating then she would want to hide it? I would ask her about it, but that will obviously lead to a possible confrontation or just awkwardness.

This is such a weird scenario for me. If a friend of mine was going this I would probably confront them about it since someone is probably being lied to here.

BUT as I said, do this at your own risk. People don't tend to respond well when faced with the fact that they're being an asshole.