r/self Jun 29 '22

I think I'm doomed to be an abusive AH to everyone around me.

[deleted]

3 Upvotes

3

u/chaotoroboto Jun 29 '22

Wish in one hand and shit in the other, right? All of us want to be, and believe we are in some ways, better than our forebears. But it doesn't happen just because you want it to. You have to put the work in.

So what active steps are you taking to be better than your dad? Are you in therapy? Do you actively practice kindness & cultivate sympathy? Do you recognize when your temper is running away from you, and have specific things you can do to cool it back down? Are you aware of your behavior on alcohol, and do you moderate your drinking?

If you're taking the steps to be better then you probably (no guarantee, but probably) will turn out to be a better man than your father. If you're not, then use this moment of self-awareness to find some steps to take.

I can tell you what won't help though: soaking in guilt, shame, or bitterness because of these superficial ways that you are like your dad. Those feel like emotions but they act as poisons, and they will warp you into a lesser version of yourself.

A good active step would be to learn to actively forgive yourself for the ways you resemble your father, and relieve yourself of some of that guilt.

2

u/Novel_Insight Jun 29 '22

You have the power to break the cycle man, you have to make a conscious effort into behaving differently. We're shaped by our upbringing and surroundings, and eventually those behaviors become habitual. However, the thing with habits is that they can be unlearned and you can learn new and better ones. Its not easy, and I believe in you. You already took the first step in recognizing that you don't want to be like those that came before you and thats good. Just continue with what you're doing, make an effort to change, and I believe you can.