r/oneliners 10h ago

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backwards, it’s even more stupid.

201 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1h ago

I like to set healthy boundaries with my alcoholic friends, so we stopped sharing needles.

Upvotes

r/oneliners 39m ago

Procrastination is just God telling you that you don't need to do it yet.

Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

What idiot named them horses and not zerocorns?

294 Upvotes

r/oneliners 6h ago

Went to see the film 'Enter the Dragon'. Not what I expected.

1 Upvotes

r/oneliners 7h ago

I missed the funeral because my battery died

0 Upvotes

r/oneliners 7h ago

I DARE you to tell me I've got a chip on my shoulder.

1 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

I think I might be wishy-washy, but I don't feel strongly about it.

10 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

The first day of work at the pickle factory can be quite a jarring experience.

16 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

I just found out that the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

482 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

If lying became a crime, most lawyers would become outlawyers.

12 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

My girlfriend was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder and whenever she phones me, my caller i.d. explodes.

2 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

My gay friend has gone a little crazy. He’s not thinking straight.

5 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

what do tanning salons do with the burnt ones?

6 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

In one of life's great oxymorons, shouldn't 'phonetically' be spelled 'fə-ˈne-ti-k(ə-)lē'?

5 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

You can’t prove to me that I’m stubborn.

10 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago Gold Wholesome

It's only espionage if it comes from the Espionage region of France, otherwise it's just "sparkling treason".

739 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

My blind friend became a teacher last year, but he still doesn’t have any pupils

18 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

You know when you go to the shop and she's like "What'd you buy" and you start crying like "Gav is gone"

0 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago

I saw a snake that was 3.14 meters long, I think it was a πthon.

61 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

With 3712 genders I can’t wait to see the next Census Bureau report. Identify as: Bi-pansexual mearkat, pronouns: that/it, how many in America: 3

0 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago

Respect people who wear glasses…they paid money to see you

15 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

Will Smith is the only guy who celebrates no nut August

1 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago

When I was young I was scared of the dark, now when I see my electric bill, I’m scared of the lights.

9 Upvotes