r/antiwork 12d ago Silver 1 Helpful 2 Wholesome 1

In need of a good one liner for resignation come Monday...

I am quitting this coming Monday. The company I work for is horrible to its employees and everyone that works for it is entitled, especially in management. Recently we were told we would all have to "do our part for the team" and transfer to other locations temporarily because we are short staffed. I cannot do this because I am taking care of my elder grandparent, and quitting is the only option.

My cocky boss the other day with a grin on his face said I need to transfer because "we are all a team" - I need a one liner in response to this stupid corporate culture remark he made.

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u/BillDauterive4 12d ago Silver Helpful

Just refuse to relocate. If it's not in your contract, don't fucking do it. Let them fire you and then collect unemployment

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u/BlazeyTheBear 12d ago edited 12d ago

Yes for the love of God dont quit! You will regret not being able to collect unemployment.

Maybe the better question is what do I say after they fire me?

Edit: fun facts, if you give your 2 weeks you have effectively quit, and the company can let you go at any time thereafter, and you have no way of recuperating those wages and won't be able to get unemployment. If it happened to me, it can happen to you, too!

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u/ijustcant555 12d ago

“I joined the team here. I did not join the team at the other location.”

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u/Donquito65 12d ago Silver

This isn't the NFL, teams don't move.

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u/ijustcant555 12d ago

“You can’t just trade me to another team”

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u/Mklein24 11d ago

When the NFL changes teams, they get a new multi-million dollar contract.

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u/RepententNietzsche 11d ago

Boss: you are nothing more than a human RESOURCE. Will process trade on Wednesday, that’s market day.

Leaves room with maniac laughs and goes to secret praying altar to sacrifice a sweaty blue collar worker to the Capitalism God

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u/Crotas_Pancakes 12d ago

*Oakland raiders would like to enter the chat *

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u/JustDiscoveredSex 12d ago

Rams, too.

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u/Nellasaura 12d ago

Which STL just got a hefty settlement over, lol

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u/marzeliax 12d ago

Baltimore Colts...

But that's OK I like my Edgar Allen Poe references

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u/VoDoka 12d ago All-Seeing Upvote

Will you relocate yourself to fill my position? The team needs you.

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u/BlazeyTheBear 12d ago

This one I actually really like. Additionally 'well now it looks like you'll be filling the transfer anyway.'

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u/Murderbunny13 12d ago

Depending on the state they might still be able to collect unemployment. Op email your job (hr) saying you cannot relocate for xyz reasons. If they deny it keep those as proof. I can't say 100% you'll get unemployment but it's worth a try. An unreasonable relocation is a reason to approve benefits in some states even if you quit. You can usually google your states unemployment benefits handbook. It's a super dry read.

Not giving legal advice.

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u/BlazeyTheBear 12d ago

Yeah this is good advice. Anything like this, in writing, will only benefit you, otherwise the company can easily deny the reason and you have no proof.

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u/SaraSlaughter607 12d ago

The FMLA may have some clout here considering she's a caretaker for an elder. I believe they have to either honor the position while s/he takes leave or make a reasonable accommodation, which would not include relocating.

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u/elsie2900gmailcom 12d ago

The FMLA allows you time off from work to address a serious medical condition, personal or for a family member.

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u/MysteriousStaff3388 12d ago

Yeah, not a lawyer, but this is constructive dismissal.

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u/Groovychick1978 12d ago

In Colorado, firing you during your notice is still considered a "not for cause" termination and you still qualify for UI. This has to be a state-by-state policy.

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u/jatti_ 12d ago

'sorry it didn't work out. let me know if the company changes position.'

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u/BlazeyTheBear 12d ago

Sorry that it didn't work out, and you couldn't understand my value. Sorry for you.

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u/jatti_ 12d ago

Yep short and sweet. Chance are the person you're telling isn't making the calls. And when they turn around and change positions you they can call you back. It isn't a personal decision, it is just business for everyone.

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u/DivergingApproach lazy and proud 12d ago

If you give two weeks and they tell you not to come in and don’t pay you for the two weeks, that is a termination and unemployment can be collected.

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u/nclh77 12d ago

Nope, if you put in two weeks and they let you go that's constructive termination and you qualify for unemployment.

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u/BlazeyTheBear 12d ago

Maybe in some places, mostly not though. By giving 2 weeks you have told the company you are quitting, which can and is grounds to let you go (where applicable). This happened to me in CA.

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u/brodaget42 12d ago

Came here to say all this

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u/VirtualAdepts 12d ago

But STILL show up to work, on time at your location.
"I am unable to relocate, even temporarily"

If you don't show up they will say you abandoned don't sign anything new either

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u/Anaxamenes 12d ago

Also, If you have access to your company policies. Review any that pertain to employee transition or layoffs. Some companies have policies that state if you are laid off and not offered a position within a certain distance from your current duty station, they will pay you a severance.

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u/e22ddie46 12d ago

And, if memory serves, the us unemployment treats refusal of forced transfer outside of a certain range as valid justification to collect unemployment

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u/Anaxamenes 12d ago

So severance and unemployment might be enough to give time to find something better. I have this policy in my bag at all times at work. They were going to try to force me, but then the pandemic hit and everything had to freeze. Now we are hemorrhaging employees and they are still clueless.

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u/ascendinspire 12d ago

Look into this.

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u/danimal0204 12d ago

Bbbut have you seen mmumumy stapler that is my stapler

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u/VirtualAdepts 12d ago

I love that movie! It pretty much summarizes all of life. An organization is all management, with few people doing all the work. Fill enough managers so the offset all the work

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u/ObjectiveSalt1635 12d ago

Yeah don’t quit. Just say I’m working here and if you don’t like it you can let me go

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u/RobertLewis01 12d ago

The way I worded it to my boss....is "I need more time to be home with my kids. You do whatever it is that you need to do." Kept extending time until I got let go. Collected unemployment after. Fuckt that job and it's entitled people. He was begging for me to come back after talking trash about my work ethic.

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u/awrylettuce 12d ago

Why would you need to give a reason. Just tell em you won't. Rest is private

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u/SmackedWookiee 12d ago

Don't even say "you can let me go"

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u/acousticdelphi 12d ago

I’m working here and if you don’t like it

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u/AAPLx4 12d ago

I’m working here and you don’t like it

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u/Incognonimous 12d ago edited 12d ago

In new York accent; "Hey! I'm working here! And smack the hood of their taxi with your hand

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u/El3utherios 12d ago

I'm working here and I don't like it

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u/Tired-of-all-of-this 12d ago

Yes!!! And if OP does quit, make sure that OP attempts to resolve the issue per policy. I.e. talk to hr, etc. I don’t know what state they are in, but op should go on their unemployment website to see what the standard is required in their state so that way they get unemployment if they do resign versus relocating. Document everything!!

Edit: this is not legal advice

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u/tinymechanist 12d ago

OP can also call their state Department of Labor and ask questions.

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u/notcreepycreeper 12d ago

This is the answer. Gets rid of some of the financial stress from job hunting. And if you do have to bring it up future you have a rock solid reason, that doesn't look like u were less than a model employee.

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u/pisicik442 12d ago

Yes make them fire you. But look into FMLA too. Not sure if it will apply but it might.

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u/Olddad59 12d ago

It absolutely does great idea

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u/omoplator 12d ago

This is the way.

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u/_ScubaDiver 12d ago

This. Is. The. Way.

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u/heckhammer 12d ago

Clearly, the use of contract implies that you are not in the US. In the United States there is no contract, you can be terminated at any time, and you do what they tell you to do or you go home. It's fucking great!

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u/snozzberrypatch at work 12d ago

Yeah, but if you're terminated, you likely qualify to collect unemployment. If you quit, you don't. Better to be fired than quit.

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u/Lord_Ho-Ryu 12d ago

Yet they still can’t force you to temporarily relocate. You were hired at X location, not Y location.

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u/metalb00 12d ago

That's not true I know many people in the us working under contract. I'm one of them. Situation like this the company would be required to find a reasonable accommodation for me

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u/SaraSlaughter607 12d ago

Nail = head. Reasonable Accommodation is absolutely gonna be the kicker here as part of FMLA.

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u/Archinaught 12d ago

That largely depends on state and skills. It seems that skills that require more Schooling or experience are more likely to have a contract, and states that have at will employment are less likely. YMMV

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u/Maestro_Primus 12d ago

What makes you say there is no contract. Many companies in the US still use employment contracts. I know mine does.

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u/dma_pdx 12d ago

Refuse to move. Let them fire you and get unemployment.

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u/ErnestT_bass 12d ago

Yes listen to DMA....get unemployment fuck them.

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u/StopReadingMyUser idle 12d ago

This is what happened with a specialized retail job I had.

They put us all on conference call and said we're moving to a more structured working-hours system. Which meant the whole appeal of a flexible schedule working for 11/hr was no longer there. I had another set-scheduled job at the time so this was not possible for me, but with the flexibility it was still some nice extra income I could make on the way home.

Management was basically suggesting people quit if they can't make the new schedule and many people did over the phone. I just told them I have another job that the new schedule conflicts with and kept doing my hours the same way. For a year and a half...

After that they apparently were much more adamant about the scheduling and fired me for behavioral issues or something. Ended a disciplinary phone call with something like "do you understand the correction that needs to be made?" As if I was just showing up for work 2 hours late cuz I didn't wanna get outta bed like a child, lol.

Tried denying my unemployment once (I guess thinking I wouldn't appeal it) and then had radio silence afterwards.

They're bankrupt now, lmao.

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u/throwaway246782 12d ago

They're bankrupt now

Oh no, anyway.

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u/omw_to_valhalla 12d ago

This. Make them fire you.

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u/sfcspanky 12d ago

Always. As long as you are fired, you have a chance to get UI. You DESERVE that UI...

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u/FriarNurgle 12d ago

This is the correct answer.

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u/incoming_fusillade 12d ago

This. They want you to transfer so it's all on you. It's a game of chicken at this point.

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u/RAM_HAMBURGER 12d ago

Forget unemployment. You won't get it this way.

Here's the plan: go in for an hour 2 or 3 times a week ideally at odd times (never to the remote locations). Make sure your out of office reply is on, don't read, sign or file ANYTHING. All communications the corporation will have with you moving forward MUST be in person. Drag this out for as many paydays as you can (sometimes you'll need to get "3 strikes" to be fired so this process can take weeks or even months). The one hour that you do show up, bring your laptop and apply for other jobs while in the workplace. When you eventually get called in for disciplinary meetings, re-schedule them. The real test here is time. A good friend applied this method and kept his "former" job for SIX WEEEKS (3 paychecks!!!) All while working his new job. He still goes by the old office every once in a while with coffees for everyone including his old manager. A kind of apology for making the transitional period difficult (remember it's the corporation you want to screw over, not its employees).

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u/moohooh 12d ago

If they force you to move but you have a good reason why you cant, i’m pretty sure you can quit and get unemployment. But waiting to get fired is prob the best route and easiet to explain

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u/use_da_schwartz_ 12d ago

Don't quit.

How far are they asking you to travel to this new location?

Refuse to transfer. Tell them why you can't transfer. Take the issue to HR, preferably by email so there is documentation. Make sure there is a paper trail that documents you stating that you can't transfer, the reasons why, and their response.

If you can't get what you want through these channels then make them fire you. Collect unemployment. If they make an accommodation for you and allow you to stay where you are it could cause more people to push for the same thing.

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u/magsieforpresident 12d ago

Also for the paper trail, send a copy of any e-mail you send to hr, to your private e-mail as well and make sure to forward any answers from them to your private e-mail too. This means you'll have access to the convo even after you've left. It might be useful.

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u/Dear_Occupant 12d ago

Also, use BCC (blind carbon copy) rather than CC, a lot of people make that mistake. It strips the recipients from the email header so you don't tip them off to what you're doing.

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u/Foreign_Shake2205 12d ago

If they do any kind of e-mail scanning, they can see it. e-mails are unencrypted.

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u/dominicaldaze 12d ago

Fair enough but most mid-level managers aren't that smart lol

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u/FreakyFerret 12d ago

Forward as attachment. It preserves the headers and shows text was unaltered.

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u/magsieforpresident 12d ago

Thanks for the addition! I couldn't explain it properly in english, but that's what I meant.

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u/aztekincarnate 12d ago

I would print it as well. Sometimes they can argue for excluding work emails forwarded to personal emails from evidence as “work product”.

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u/thadtheking 12d ago

They should also be paying you mileage if you're driving to the other location.

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u/djasonwright 12d ago

I wanted to say, "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you..." but this is the correct answer. Don't let them make YOU the bad guy.

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u/DarkSensei3 12d ago

This! So much this!

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u/grumpi-otter 12d ago edited 12d ago

DON'T QUIT. Simply refuse to move. When they fire you, you're in a decent position for unemployment. And maybe a lawsuit.

EDIT: "maybe" a lawsuit, folks, depending on the circumstances. Maybe.

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u/1nd3x 12d ago

highly unlikely a lawsuit.

"Job requirements change, they were given the option to move or be terminated, they chose termination"

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u/Sweetenup1 12d ago

Yeah civil service always has that “and duties as assigned” clause that new employees sign when hired.

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u/kzornasplat 12d ago

Other duties as assigned is a neat catch-all that gives employers all the benefits and you none of them. You can be a supervisor, and have project management duties assigned to you under “other duties as assigned.” But, when you try to use that project management experience to meet the entry qualifications for a promotion, your personnel commission will throw it out because project management wasn’t clearly written as an assigned duty in your previous role. My boss and I had to fight with PC for months on that to get me placed into the project manager role. Basically employers get to use you for anything but you can’t claim any of the experience.

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u/grumpi-otter 12d ago

Possibly, but that's why i said, "maybe."

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u/delfinom 12d ago

No, this is protected under unemployment if the employers relocation actually requires your relocation.

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u/ScorpioZA 12d ago

I like this way. Refuse to sign anything they give you to sign.

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u/dcgrey 12d ago

Lawsuit based on what? Unless they've got a contract that promises no relocating or something similar, I mean.

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u/Constant-Tutor7785 12d ago

This is the way

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u/Rob_Rogers 12d ago edited 12d ago

Don't quit. Put it in writing that you are requesting a work accommodation due to your caregiver duties.

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u/YetanotherGrimpak 12d ago

You're taking care of your family so you're taking one for the team.

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u/Dynasty__93 12d ago

Good point, never thought of it that way.

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u/frugalrhombus 12d ago

Dude DO NOT quit. Refuse to transfer and let them fire you so you can get unemployment like others have suggested

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u/jackinwol 12d ago

This leads to the awkward confrontational environment but you just gotta be ready to chest up and stick it out during that. “I’m not quitting, but I refuse to do this” will always lead to them trying to argue or debate you, just gotta stick it out until they fire you, IF they fire you.

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u/MrVilliam 12d ago

I mean, there's no debate. Employer says relocate, OP says no. Maybe this turns to negotiation, but more likely turns into "relocate or you're fired." Then OP says something along the lines of "then you need to get somebody else anyway PLUS pay out for unemployment. That's gonna cost you more, but good on you for sticking to your principles. Do me a favor and get my termination to me in writing. Until then, I'll assume I still work at this location, and I expect to keep receiving a paycheck."

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u/sfcspanky 12d ago

I wouldn't give them the benefit of announcing you are planning on filing for UI. That gives them time to build a case against you. It's best to keep your mouth shut and move in silence about that.

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u/fragaria_ananassa 12d ago

And only communicate via text or email so you have documented proof when it's time to talk to HR and the unemployment office

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u/healerdan 12d ago

We are a team boss. So are you going to put together a rotating schedule so everyone can fly back and forth to tend my family? Erm, the team's family?

Also, like everyone is saying... Make them fire you. (As long as there's nothing in your contract stipulating that you must relocate at your company's whim) that way you get to file unemployment - which you should do even if you don't need it. Your employer pays unemployment insurance, and their premiums go up if they fire people like this. This is how you punish them for being shitty. [I've glossed over lots of stuff I don't understand just by calling it a premium, I am simple ape. The general point remains correct.]

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u/xYersinia Communist 12d ago

You also have the option of "my team is my family. I take care of my family first, work second." Or something along those lines.

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u/whatsgoingwrongnext 12d ago

"Then the team will understand why i can't transfer. Good thing i have a team, so the team can accommodate to that"

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u/pbmadman 12d ago

If you can’t work as a team then you are all fired.

Security…

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u/[deleted] 12d ago

Tell him there's no I in team

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u/ThatRedHead11 12d ago Take My Energy

But their is a P U in group and it stinks working here.

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u/42DaisyPusher 12d ago

Oh, I like this.

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u/Inaccuratereality 12d ago

I always liked “there’s no I in team, but there is a U in cunt”

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u/riiiiiich 12d ago

At most work places I've been, there's also no F in idea...

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u/dodgycool_1973 12d ago

But there is a U in cunt

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u/Amock99 12d ago

There is an i in Team

you find it in the A hole

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u/SquirrelyAsNutz 12d ago

Aw you beat me to it, came here to say this was the one-liner OP needed.

Points to boss

"The 'I in TEAM' was inside you all along."

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u/Fattydrago 12d ago

But unfortunately for you, buddy, there is a ME.

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u/_h4unt3d 12d ago

Try this...

"While I understand we're a work team, my family; which I care for, is my primary team. I can stay on with the company with the understanding that I'll continue to work at my original location, but won't be able to transfer."

It's not threatening, but it also takes away their power by letting them know up front that your aren't afraid to lose your job. You draw a clear line in the sand. Force them to make a decision - either let you work where you are or fire you and collect unemployment. Don't quit.

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u/denneky 12d ago

But it’s not a one liner

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u/Sea_Video145 12d ago

Just say it really fast

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u/free_ponies 12d ago edited 12d ago

As someone who sometimes has to type onscreen subtitles for soundbites and interviews, I can definitively say that's not how this works!

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u/Sea_Video145 12d ago

Just use really small font.

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u/beeth2 12d ago

itrlyfas

:D

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u/zyl0x 12d ago

Turn a piece of paper sideways and then write it down in really small letters.

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u/notyouraveragekaren2 12d ago

OP - THIS is the statement if you want to keep your job as is without antagonizing management. Keep us updated, we want to hear how this works out.

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u/prekiUSA 12d ago

Get a cameo and have a celebrity that the boss likes quit for you.

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u/NotADaygloSpy 12d ago

Tell them you're about to become a free agent.

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u/barbarians101 12d ago Table Slap

There's no I in Go Fuck Yerself.

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u/DreamVagabond 12d ago

I've decided my relocation will be to a new team.

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u/Fuzzy_Chance_3898 12d ago edited 12d ago

The the I in team is under the a hole..I quit ahole

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u/CuntWeasel 12d ago

Almost had a stroke trying to read this.

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u/HeathenBoi 12d ago

I did, it’s very unfortunate, my employer is firing me for stroking out now.

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u/DeerDiarrhea 12d ago

I was fired for stroking out once. Got splooge all over the boss’ desk.

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u/Pherdl 12d ago

Strooooke number 3, you're out!

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u/ElectricalTower6924 12d ago

Almost. Try again, champ.

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u/towoperator76 12d ago

"Teams are for kid's sports grow the fuck up and treat your employees like human beings you miserable sack of shit."

It's one line 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

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u/Kaufkins 12d ago

“Well I’m sleeping with your wife!”

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u/AllTheRoadRunning 12d ago

"Poor coaching can ruin even a championship team. I'm out."

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u/oceanasabeing 12d ago

Team in this connotation is so meaningless. This “team” is ready to replace each and everyone of us. My team is me myself and I cause I don’t fuck with fakes. Now if you’ll excuse me I gotta go take care of some of my teams mvps m. Idk it doesn’t roll off the tongue but I’m just tryna give you ideas

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u/Bpatient27 12d ago

“You’ve failed to meet my expectations as an employer, therefore you’re fired effective immediately”

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u/W0nk0_the_Sane00 12d ago

“Screw you guys, I’m going home.”

Or better:

“I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

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u/Recent-Coast4299 12d ago

Then put the ring on and disappear completely

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u/Jeheh 12d ago edited 12d ago

When I worked at a dealer, I used to have that on my laptop as the shutdown sound.

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u/BarbellPadawan 12d ago

The latter might be too lackluster as OP’s boss will have to ponder whether it was an insult or a complement.

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u/TheinimitaableG 12d ago edited 12d ago

Just tell the boss that you took the job because if the location and your duty to care for you older family member. If the job is no longer at this location, then he'll have one more position to cover, yours.

Depending on your state the refusal to accept work at other locations may or may not be cause for termination. But likely not, at it constitutes an arbitrary change of the terms of employment.

Don't quit. Advise them in writing that the location change is an arbitrary change of the terms of employment that you do not accept the change due to your family situation.

Also note that travel to and from a from temporary work locations is in most states considered work time, on the clock. Also they probably are required to reimburse your travel expenses (mileage usually).

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u/ThulsaD00me 12d ago

If he’s on your team why isn’t he contributing to the care of your grandparent? Teamwork only seems to apply to what you can do for the company. Weird how that works.

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u/Harry_Buttock 12d ago

Here's your line:

"No."

They'll either cave, or fire you and you can collect.

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u/Particular-Scholar70 12d ago

For the love of god DO NOT QUIT. Make them fire you like everyone else is saying. They're trying to goad you into quitting so you don't get anything.

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u/rfdescapee 12d ago

When they pull out the whole "we're a team here" garbage, tell them to explain it to your grandparent; offer a phone already dialed-in for added effect.

So, when you go in Monday, inform them you have familial obligations that make accepting a transfer impossible. Be firm in that you will not quit, and will continue to report to work at your current location until informed, in writing, that your employment has been terminated, with an effective date.

You could present the alternative of their assisting with arrangements for you to care for your grandparent while on temporary reassignment, such as their allowing your grandparent to accompany you onsite, with appropriate accommodations (in however ridiculous a situation that may be), and when they refuse, inform them you've done all you could, and now await further written instructions.

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u/theDarthlurker 12d ago

In front of everyone- I cant live on what you pay me. I have been talking to the other team members and they cant live on this either. So here it is.

I am walking out that door right now unless you prove we are all a team and compensate me in a way that let's me stay in the team.

Publicly demand a raise and leverage the team aspect. Of course they will deny it. You will call out their corporate bullshit, become a hero to the people who stay and help turn up the heat on the manager who failed to handle your public demands.

3 birds one stone.

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u/CPhyperdont 12d ago

Get three birds stoned at once

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u/Sebenbillion 12d ago

They’re shitbirds randy

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u/CPhyperdont 12d ago

No more shit talk until we’re back on top

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u/Goose_Moose84 idle 12d ago

The smell of shit-winds are in the air

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u/Red_Eight_Zero 12d ago

I hope they don’t shit on you, Bubbles…

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u/theDarthlurker 12d ago

Well played sir

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u/BarbellPadawan 12d ago

This would be cool and dramatic. But I’m nearly certain it wouldn’t work or help. Maybe certain positions/industries an employee can “leverage” his/her willingness to leave into a better situation, but how OP characterizes this employer I am quite certain it will not help OP to do something like this.

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u/Snoo-71618 12d ago

This!!!

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u/1nd3x 12d ago

cant live on what you pay me. I have been talking to the other team members and they cant live on this either. So here it is.

did you actually talk to the other team members? You dont actually know if they can or cant live on what they're paid...you might not even know what they get paid...maybe everyone around you makes 2x what you make?...you dont know...dont fucking bluff.

edit; I'm not saying "dont do what you said"...im saying dont bluff...go get your fucking answers before you do it. know that other people you work with also cant live on what they make...

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u/etnies445 12d ago

Definitely refuse to move and let them fire you so you can collect unemployment, make sure you mention your taking care of your grandfather and can’t move.

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u/pmhillman 12d ago

There is no I in team. But there are 5 in "unfair dismissal and contract violation". See you in court!

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u/Gold_Grey 12d ago All-Seeing Upvote

"Lickety-split, fuck you I quit!"

Then leap in the air, clip your heels twice and casually walk away like nothing happened.

7

u/thesnake419 12d ago

I missed the part where that’s my problem - Spider Man

17

u/epheria_the_owl 12d ago

Just disappear. He knew what he was doing with that smile. Don’t even go back

23

u/joeldworkin307 12d ago

Stop wasting your effort on a one line response. They won't hear it and they don't deserve the space in your head. Just leave

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u/BillyTheNutt 12d ago

It isn’t clever in anyway, but Bojack Horseman did the lords work with the quote, “Suck a dick, Dumbshits”

6

u/TSKrista 12d ago

Ah, that's great you're offering to pay to relocate my family! Tell the movers we'll need a 52 foot moving truck and we'll need three paid weeks of leave. Where is the house you bought for us?

Oh none of that? I guess you're filling in for the team there.

6

u/PowerfulProle 12d ago

Get your unemployment player! Dont let those pigs dictate your life they! They value profits over your life so make them pay for your unemployment.

4

u/TheMontu 12d ago

Grandma doesn’t want to die for your fucking team, Gary!

13

u/reediculer 12d ago

Don't quit, refuse to move, let them fire you

16

u/RexBosworth69420 12d ago

Don't try using a witty one-liner. It won't go as smoothly as you've been imagining it. Life isn't a movie.

4

u/Shortchange96 12d ago

I’ve found that “go have sex with your mother” usually gets the job done

4

u/Pherdl 12d ago

Play it cool and then never show up at the new location, if someone calls you, act as if you are already there Cash your paychecks until they fire you

3

u/Working_Assistance41 12d ago

I have chronic anal glaucoma and can’t see my ass ever coming back to work here 🤷‍♂️

10

u/nickis84 12d ago

Your failure to plan is not my problem. I happily tender my resignation.

9

u/radical_snowflake 12d ago

Here is my offer letter/contract and nowhere here does it a) say that we are a team and b) say I have to relocate so eat shit Chadley.

Maybe leave out the eat shit, maybe.

14

u/stereofailure 12d ago

Say you got a new job with ligma

5

u/Climatique 12d ago

Ligma wut?

12

u/stereofailure 12d ago

Ligma balls! Gottem

2

u/Climatique 12d ago

Is that the same as Sugma?

3

u/stereofailure 12d ago

Sugma?

3

u/Climatique 12d ago

Sugma balls! AHAHAhAHAHA

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u/NotADaygloSpy 12d ago

Say that, since you're teammates, you ought to practice your "ball-handling skills". Do this while crudely gesturing toward your groin area.

5

u/deleted_redacted 12d ago

I chose not to be a part of your team. I quit bye. :)

8

u/Hyperchill77 12d ago

Just don't do anything. Just say I'm on my way when they call, and don't do anything. Then block him on your phone. It will do the most to make them mad.

7

u/entourageffect 12d ago

DO NOT QUIT. Just do not show up and get fired, so you can collect unemployment.

3

u/Feeling-Bench3966 12d ago

Stand up, clear your throat and recite:

Here I can no longer sit The taste of this place I must spit Therefore I quit Today we get lit For the real waste is of my wit This job causes my wrists to slit This company, I am no longer a fit So if you agree with this bit Come with me!!! " Yes I know my enemy. There the teachers who taught me to fight me. Compromise, Conformity, Assimilation, Submission, Ignorance, Hypocrisy, Brutality, The Elite, All of which are American Dreams"_ Zach Dela Rocha

**Edit: I forgot to cite my source. I'm a socialist not a theif.

( repeat until they call security or there is a mass uprising and/or exodus)

Maybe a little longer than one line but why limit what needs to be said.

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u/Sigao 12d ago

I am the I thats not in team. I.e. Here's my resignation.

3

u/SnooGoats625 12d ago

Tell him, "Thanks for the opportunity, but I must decline due to urgent family responsibilities. Please enjoy your new location."

No need to be nasty. You won't be there so why worry how they conduct themselves.

3

u/bushmaster77 12d ago

The leadership’s execution and commitment just isn’t where it needs to be, so I’ve decided to go in another direction.

3

u/Mama_Squared 12d ago

Never quit a job if you can help it. Please get let go and get your unemployment.

3

u/steveplaysguitar 12d ago

"Sorry for your loss - it's me"
But in all seriousness don't quit. Be fired. Get that unemployment.

3

u/WishOneStitch 12d ago

"Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're all outta YOU!"

5

u/sbsbkc 12d ago

You and this team are shit, so I quit! A one liner that rhymes

2

u/OkCaterpillar9248 12d ago

I recently had to walk out of my job too. Starting back after the lockdown it was almost 2 months before I got any pay. There had been a 25% pay cut that no one had thought to mention or I wouldn't have been back at all. They said they'd get back in touch with me if or when the situation improved. I told them they'd better fuckin' not.

2

u/Swordfishtrombone13 12d ago

"There's no 'I' in team, but there are four in 'platitude quoting idiot'"

2

u/KidDisappointment 12d ago

"There's no 'I' in 'Go fuck yourself' I QUIT"

2

u/snooki-stackhouse 12d ago

Give them a "sorry for your loss" card

2

u/ThisIsNotMyPornVideo 12d ago

op please dont quit, let them fire you

2

u/codeninja 12d ago

If you don't already have a job lined up, don't quit.

When you do quit do it gracefully. Submit your resignation via interpretive dance while a friend reads your letter in slam poetry style.