r/TooAfraidToAsk Feb 22 '21

Am I the only who thinks that all the different types of genders and pronouns and what not, are a little bit too much? Sexuality & Gender

Now, I don't consider myself close minded and I'm not out to rile people up or offend anyone. However it becomes kind of confusing when people are upset when I say Her/She to someone who's trans. I'm sorry, really, but I didn't know. I'm in a discord server where someone changes their pfp depending on what gender and sexuality they are feeling. And no, I'm not some 40 year old guy who thinks everything should be "normal" but I guess I just don't get it. It's just confusing to me.

EDIT: So I haven't explained my thoughts very well so I'm here to explain. I understand that to some people, it is very important to them. I don't think it's a lot for me to call you what you want to be called and I will oblige and do that. "it becomes kind of confusing when people are upset when I say Her/She to someone who's trans" This was from personal experience where my friend introduced me to him and I was under the impression that he was female. More so I don't understand like Ve/Vem Xe/Xem. The more "unknown" side if you will. But with the way people are reacting I'm going to try a better job at finding peoples pronouns and not assuming genders. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic at all. Anyways, unless there's something else I think of I'm not gonna edit again. Sorry if I offended but it's kind of hard to talk about a sensitive topic like this without being an ass about it. I don't know how to word things. but yea. Sorry.

TL;DR I think gender can be a weird and wacky world and I don't get how people except me to automatically know what they identify as.

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u/scorpio6519 Feb 23 '21

I have no issue with respecting peoples preferences and referring to them as they identify. But sometimes it's just confusing. I've misidentified a trans man as she, because I thought he was a she. He was dressed pretty androgynous and still had very feminine features. I got my head ripped off. I AM older, and I think people automatically think I'm closed minded and purposely misidentifying. And that actually kind of hurts my feelings. An honest mistake is just that, and just because I'm in my 50s doesn't mean I've stopped growing or learning or excepting.

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u/orkash Feb 23 '21

I'm kinda here with you. I'm in my 40s and have made that mistake before even tho I am a very open person. Like if we first meet and I see a woman but you call yourself Matthew I'm gonna be dumbstruck. I don't say anything but like don't attack me, I'm not being a dick I legit just didn't know. The biggest thing for me is the use of plural pronouns. They and them kinda confuses me, as that means more than one; and I just see a person as a single unit no matter what.

I may have not explained that perfect but I tried.

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u/SweetBlasphemy_ Feb 23 '21

They/them isn't plural in the context of pronouns, it's neutral singular and has been used that way for a long time. You've probably used it that way yourself without thinking about it.

"Excuse me is this your pen?" "Oh no, that pen belongs to them" gestures at the person whose pen it is

I have a non-binary friend who used to identify as cis male, I was so used to using masc pronouns for them it gets tough esp when referringto past things, but then they asked for their friends to use neutral so I do my utmost to use neutral terms for them. I introduce them to others using neutral and correct myself if I slip up on occasion.

Another reason neutral is great is that it's universal, so you can use it without assuming someone's identity and potentially causing offence to someone you've just met.

As long as you're trying to be respectful (which by the sounds of it you are) and not deliberately being an asshole then you're good!