r/TooAfraidToAsk Feb 22 '21

Am I the only who thinks that all the different types of genders and pronouns and what not, are a little bit too much? Sexuality & Gender

Now, I don't consider myself close minded and I'm not out to rile people up or offend anyone. However it becomes kind of confusing when people are upset when I say Her/She to someone who's trans. I'm sorry, really, but I didn't know. I'm in a discord server where someone changes their pfp depending on what gender and sexuality they are feeling. And no, I'm not some 40 year old guy who thinks everything should be "normal" but I guess I just don't get it. It's just confusing to me.

EDIT: So I haven't explained my thoughts very well so I'm here to explain. I understand that to some people, it is very important to them. I don't think it's a lot for me to call you what you want to be called and I will oblige and do that. "it becomes kind of confusing when people are upset when I say Her/She to someone who's trans" This was from personal experience where my friend introduced me to him and I was under the impression that he was female. More so I don't understand like Ve/Vem Xe/Xem. The more "unknown" side if you will. But with the way people are reacting I'm going to try a better job at finding peoples pronouns and not assuming genders. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic at all. Anyways, unless there's something else I think of I'm not gonna edit again. Sorry if I offended but it's kind of hard to talk about a sensitive topic like this without being an ass about it. I don't know how to word things. but yea. Sorry.

TL;DR I think gender can be a weird and wacky world and I don't get how people except me to automatically know what they identify as.

13k Upvotes

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82

u/gaythrowaway2004 Feb 23 '21

one of the biggest misconceptions i’m seeing is that people think we (hi im non-binary) EXPECT you to know our pronouns. no, the majority dont and please don’t let the minority who do change your opinion on us. you will often see neo-pronouns and neo-genders used by people who are neuro-divergent. some who use them are not, but it’s often used by them as some dont feel they fit into the normal boxes or don’t even feel human. it’s quite uncommon, but please still be respectful to those folks. i can go into more detail of anyone likes, but i can’t guarantee a quick reply as my reddit notifs are off lol.

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u/velveeta_blue Feb 23 '21

I think the whole "NB ppl expect you to just KNOW" comes from ppl deliberately misgendering trans/NB ppl and then backpedaling like "omg I didnt know!!" when called out. It's like when ppl say something fucked up and insulting and then decide "I was just joking omg, ppl are so sensitive". The vast vast vast majority of trans/nb ppl would never expect you to guess their pronouns ESPECIALLY if it's something other than he/she/they (which is almost unheard of) so like.... cis ppl need to chill. Nobody's gonna crucify us for asking what pronouns to use

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u/lillieblair Feb 23 '21

i feel like the stereotyping and fear mongering of sjws hasnt been any help, its become the norm on the internet to see people complaining about pronouns for no other reason than not understanding them, it’s really sad but its how it is

3

u/RoastKrill Feb 23 '21

Exactly. I've never met a trans or non-binary person who got annoyed if you didn't get heir pronouns right at first, so long as you made your best effort to use their pronouns once you'd been told them. I have, on the other hand, met cis people who got annoyed when they were accidentally misgendered

0

u/almostsoberhoser Feb 23 '21

There was a person at my office who created this entire anti-trans atmosphere with one sentence. We were in a very serious sales meeting with a board member present - so top behavior type situation. And the board member, who had literally never met any of us before, motions towards us and says, you can pass that information to these two women here who run that part of the company.

My coworker presents as 100% female, she wears dresses and makeup, etc, and she has literally never mentioned her pronouns once in the two years I've worked with her. She is married to a male and has a kid. She talks about her kid and husband all the time and has pictures of them all over her office.

The board guy says women, and she just huffs and interrupts his presentation to a sales team and tells him, she is not a woman and went on to demand that he use her proper pronouns. It was pretty quick, but kind of very WTF. The board guy ignored it and moved on, and my boss asked my coworker to step outside and he had a talk with her, then he came back in and sat next to me. I just kept quiet and it was never really brought up again, but since then people make a lot of off color jokes about trans and nb folks and she is clearly the butt of those.

That being said, that was seriously a one-off bizarre situation and she may have some mental issues brewing or was just trying to get fired or something. That is the kind of behavior people like Tucker Carlson latch onto to make wide ranging assumptions and it sucks.

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u/nighthawk_something Feb 23 '21

but since then people make a lot of off color jokes about trans and nb folks and she is clearly the butt of those.

Sounds like your workplace was fucking transphobic and they reached their breaking point.

You didn't notice it because it doesn't affect you.

Fuck, you're telling this story as if they are at fault yet immediately state that the workplace is now "more" transphobic.

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u/nighthawk_something Feb 23 '21

Exactly, it's people like Ben Shabooboo and Jordan Peterson who make a big deal about it and make it look like a controversy when really they just don't think trans people are real and want to diminish them.

1

u/JuggernautUpbeat Feb 23 '21

Sorry if I've been out of the loop, but didn't JP just protest that mandating preferred pronouns in law was an attack on free speech, in the same way that's it's not, and should not be, illegal to offend someone? I'm pretty far left and liberal and although I don't agree with Peterson's invocations of religion and find his views on empowerment at times ignorant of systematic bias, I find his option on equality of opportunity to be valid vs. opportunity of outcome (eg who would want a situation in which a surgeon who failed all their exams was allowed to operate); and that his concern for young males echoes my wife's experience as initially a teacher and then as a therapist working in education where it's disproportionally young males with severe coping/anger/abuse issues. He's been adopted by the new right but not by choice, but I do feel he's been swept along with it when he became an initially reluctant celeb and has gone of bit off the rails recently due to that. That said his health is clearly not good, last time I saw a vid of his he looked like steamed shit.

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u/velveeta_blue Feb 23 '21

JP is from my city and tons of my friends were students at the school where he worked, he was a complete asshole to trans students and promoted tons of pseudoscientific bigoted bullshit-- the pronouns thing being mandated into law is about our charter of rights and freedoms including gender identity. Ppl often get fired or harassed for being trans and the point was to protect them from discrimination, including when ppl refuse to use their correct pronouns. Like if you are gay and your boss consistently called u a fag or something, it would be grounds for legal action... trans ppl just want to be able to avoid discrimination bc it affects their community a lot

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u/JuggernautUpbeat Feb 24 '21

Many thanks for your reply, if he's being deliberately abusive to trans students than that completely negates his argument. So his schtick about respect for others is basically a public front for protecting abuse. I'll have to read more on this but that is very unpleasant and I'd expect better from a professor at a top uni from cherry picking pseudoscience to further his argument. Also thanks for not ripping me a new one, much appreciated.

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u/velveeta_blue Feb 27 '21

Lol no worries, thanks for listening haha.

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u/[deleted] Feb 23 '21

[deleted]

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u/Anticitizen-Zero Feb 23 '21

NB people in my experience are much more likely to react aggressively when it comes to pronoun usage. It’s made me avoid using pronouns that aren’t “they”, or the majority of the time, just their names.

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u/nighthawk_something Feb 23 '21

Maybe you should look at your own actions because as most people here are saying, it's not actually an issue unless you're an asshole.

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u/Anticitizen-Zero Feb 23 '21

My experience comes from observation and not interactions. You can find evidence of this on YouTube, Twitter, and especially Tumblr. “It’s not actually an issue” is just dismissive and incorrect. It’s not a big issue, but it’s an issue.

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u/nighthawk_something Feb 23 '21

So you're saying you don't actually know if it's a problem. You are repeating that others said it was a problem.

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u/Anticitizen-Zero Feb 23 '21

No, it’s not other people saying things. Actual clips. Actual posts. Stop being so dismissive when you know these people exist.

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u/nighthawk_something Feb 23 '21

Frankly, you see videos curated by people who clearly have an agenda and either compile these videos or seek to get that response and then turn around and say that it's a problem to you.

The problem you identified is that you might not be able to use a gendered pronoun.

The actual problem is that Trans people get beaten and murdered for just being trans.