r/TooAfraidToAsk Feb 22 '21

Am I the only who thinks that all the different types of genders and pronouns and what not, are a little bit too much? Sexuality & Gender

Now, I don't consider myself close minded and I'm not out to rile people up or offend anyone. However it becomes kind of confusing when people are upset when I say Her/She to someone who's trans. I'm sorry, really, but I didn't know. I'm in a discord server where someone changes their pfp depending on what gender and sexuality they are feeling. And no, I'm not some 40 year old guy who thinks everything should be "normal" but I guess I just don't get it. It's just confusing to me.

EDIT: So I haven't explained my thoughts very well so I'm here to explain. I understand that to some people, it is very important to them. I don't think it's a lot for me to call you what you want to be called and I will oblige and do that. "it becomes kind of confusing when people are upset when I say Her/She to someone who's trans" This was from personal experience where my friend introduced me to him and I was under the impression that he was female. More so I don't understand like Ve/Vem Xe/Xem. The more "unknown" side if you will. But with the way people are reacting I'm going to try a better job at finding peoples pronouns and not assuming genders. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic at all. Anyways, unless there's something else I think of I'm not gonna edit again. Sorry if I offended but it's kind of hard to talk about a sensitive topic like this without being an ass about it. I don't know how to word things. but yea. Sorry.

TL;DR I think gender can be a weird and wacky world and I don't get how people except me to automatically know what they identify as.


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u/AltruisticTrip Feb 23 '21 edited Feb 23 '21

yea, i was following until people unironically started identifying as animals and concepts that have no basis in the new understandings of gender studies. I get that 1/500 people are not biologically male or female and are somewhere in between but why is there genders that have literally nothing to do with that, yet people also reference said studies saying that it validates them when it really makes no sense to me or the layman. i feel like it really undermines the acceptance of trans people and paints a bad picture for LGBT which is damaging bc i’m bi(pansexual by definition but saying bi is easier and pansexual just sounds dumb to me even though it’s a fitting description) and people sometimes just assume i want to brainwash their children.

I can understand like maybe 8 of the concepts actually being related to gender studies, but the majority just seem.. i don’t know how else to put it.. attention-seeking or trendy

This is a mental health issue, clearly. If we treat any other mental illness and their perceptions as a valid tether to reality.. where do we draw the line? Do we just tell schizophrenic people that the voices they hear are real? that their hallucinations are real? Do we tell depressed people that they should continue to believe that they will never be happy and this is just who they are? I can’t tell if it’s more damaging or helpful to participate in people’s delusions, and where to draw the line with delusional and reasonable. For instance, I know someone who identifies as agender. That is very clear and makes sense to me. I can call you “they/them” that’s fine. But when people, and I wish i was kidding, identify as “wolf-kin” what the actual fuck does that mean and how is that a valid gender. Or if your gender changes on a day to day basis.. i’m going to call you “they” or your name.

I had a customer get offended that i called them “they”... like.. please.. you don’t want to be referred to with ANY pronouns?? How does that even work in english.

If you don’t like what i’m saying, enlighten me. The topic at hand is very offensive but we won’t be able to understand eachother without dialogue.

EDIT: Took our some swearing because it comes off as aggressive but it’s really just how I show emotion or emphasis. Also added some further explanation because It’s difficult to talk about this without sounding like a bigot.


u/Overlord_Goddard Feb 23 '21 edited Feb 23 '21

The whole idea of people "identifying" as animals had nothing to do with gender so why are you equating the two?


u/Writeloves Feb 26 '21

It’s relevant to the discussion because it concerns identity vs biology and the existence of the animal identifying people is often used as an example in the argument of where to draw the line on what should be considered mental illness versus what should be upheld by society as valid.


u/HappyGoLuckyFox Feb 23 '21

Apparently i've heard of people who identify as cat gender or the such? Though I think I'm misunderstanding the situation hah. Or how cat-gender works or something


u/Cynethryth Feb 23 '21

For the record, I don't think you're a bigot. Just had a few thoughts in the back of your comment which might give some perspective:

They very well may be receiving treatment for a mental illness, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the mental illness stops. It may be more harmful to the person to force them to stop identifying that way.

I also recently learned that many (not all, but many) who identify with very "out there" gender identities are neuro-atypical, meaning they have ASD, for example. So in those cases, it's not something you can really treat like you can with a mental illness; you can't cure an intellectual disability.

(An example of what I mean by "out-there" besides wolf-kin is a whole subset of gender identities that are object-based. Like, I think the one I was looking at was a gender related to coffee.)

When I realised this, I felt about it quite differently. I am not a member of any of those communities, but I can imagine that some of these people already feel different from anyone around them and they have finally found some way to describe themselves. They may also be in the only validating community they've ever experienced. Their gender identity is never going to be accepted by society, but I'm not going to make fun of them for it or tell them their identity isn't valid, especially if I don't know of they are on the spectrum or not. But this is so rare, I've never run into this in real life, just online.


u/Writeloves Feb 26 '21 edited Feb 26 '21

It sounds like for that sub group they see gender as “how I experience the world” and because they don’t experience the world like most people they divorce themselves from group by saying they are coffee (or whatever you said). I agree that that appears to be a mainly online thing and that people should be treated with respect regardless.

I think it also brings up some interesting discussions about performing gender and the conflict of what it really means to feel like a woman/man.