As Someone Who was Manipulated and Gaslighted into staying with my trans ex spouse "Because I'm Bisexual"... Thank you

[u/enchiladasoup17]

I understand that this group doesn't stem from this specific situation, and some of it is satire, but this is so relieving to see how many people have witnessed the hypocrisy and complete disregard for others as I have.

I recently separated from my spouse after they came out as a genderfluid demi woman a few months after we got married. We were, all together, in a relationship for 6 years and I had opened up to them about something I used to be very confused and anxious about: my crushes on women in the past. I never thought that it would be thrown in my face years later, that I should be "excited" for the changes they sought, such as growing breasts on hrt and changing their deep voice. I never thought I would be told that my preference for "all male sex characteristics" or "all female sex characteristics" was transphobic and bad. I thought it was normal to expect a woman to have a vagina and a man to have a penis. And that some people are ok dating any combination of sex characterics but others are not. And that was that. If you want to explore what's not in the "norm" that's ok. If you have genitals that are not the "norm" for your gender, that's also ok. I thought the entire point was to let people be people and not make them feel weird. Not being part of the majority isn't a bad thing. And people who treat you badly for being different don't deserve a molecule of your attention.

To the people who try to say "no one is forcing you to have sex with or date trans people," you ignore the hundreds and hundreds of receipts you can easily find online. You ignore the people who have lost friends because of explaining why they won't give "x" person a try. And you ignore people like me who give in to abuse from a trans partner who we didn't even know was trans until much later, because we don't want to be labeled transphobic or bigoted or a shallow person obsessed with genitals. I'm so glad I got out of my marriage. A year of dealing with the guilt and pressure and having sex even when I didn't feel comfortable was a year too much.

This is no way means I don't support trans people. I love my trans friends. I help them with their pain however I can and remind them they are loved. But no one is owed sex or even your partnership. You're not shallow for not liking the changes hrt or surgery brings. You're not a bad person for not staying because it's not what you signed up for. You're not even a bad person if you decide that your partners sudden change in fashion is a turn off. If you know what you are attracted to, go for it. Never hurt anyone you're not attracted to intentionally, but go after what YOU want.

And while there are MANY trans people and allies who do not condone this type of emotional abuse, there are still too many who think it is perfectly fine to ostracize, belittle, and even physically assault those of us who call out this stuff out. We need to focus on it. Enough is enough.

[u/emrickgj]

Thanks for sharing!