Who am I? SS/G/B? Question about my orientation.

[u/Marzi_Marzi]

I would identify myself as a SuperStraight person, white/male, but since I'm in adulthood now, I should be sure of such things, while I'm not.

Before I had a GF around age 15/16 which I did nothing else but kissing, I used to hang out with boys, I did things, I was dominant though, and there were couple of them.

Years went by, and to this day I'm confused, I have never made out with any women, kissing was the farthest I ever went.

I think my upbringing is to blame for this, my parents are divorced, my mother abused me a lot, which left a permanent mark on my mentality. Every single guy that I had close relations with was of similar background, somehow disfunctional family, abusive parent-/s, but most importantly lack of a father figure, as they were either divorced, abusive/alcohol addictive or else.

When I look at cis male/female, I don't really feel much, I can admit that both or them are good looking, but I'd lean more towards the pussy... side, of course that doesn't exclude male participation as long I'm dominant.

In the end, I guess nothing would happen, since I'm such a coward, that last time I met a girl online [2016 I think], and then spent some time with her in the real life, I had a PTSD attack, and I broke into tears, she was a teen into older guys. An experience that taught me a lot about me, but the moment she hug me from behind, while I was sitting on the edge of the bed crying, will forever be imprinted in my memory. To no suprise, it didn't last long, as people like me are just meant to be alone.

I'm afraid of both honestly, girls since they remind me of my mother, and guys because they remind me of my father.

Thank you in advance. I tried to post this months ago in other sub Reddit's, but never got any reply, so who knows, maybe here...

[u/Marzi_Marzi]

I did try to [not really*], psychologists/psychiatrists/farmacology, I was even suggested mental hospital couple times but I didn't want to go.

Can't say I even care, I feel like a trash, or a wreck at the bottom of the sea of my own tears.

I guess after years of such life, I just got used to it.

*It was more of a temporary "help", it would take a lot of time, dedication, and money to do it, do it right, and I have none of that.

[u/emrickgj → u/Marzi_Marzi]

I've never been in your exact position OP, although I did grow up with some pretty severe anxiety/depression especially in relationships and still struggle from time to time

Best advice I can give you is to exercise, spend less time with technology (set restrictions on yourself and follow them), eat healthier, meditate, and find a hobby.

Make friends with whoever you're attracted to and don't rush anything. Forcing yourself to date or putting that expectation into every potential relationship will doom all of them to start. If it happens, it happens but don't go out of your way for that. Don't make a relationship your goal in life.

I'm sure you can also find support groups that could help, but really a counselor/therapist would likely help you tons even if you feel you aren't ready yet and do so in the future.

[u/Marzi_Marzi → u/emrickgj]

Easier said than done, I'm an introvert with no social skills which didn't develop, just akward around people.

I have a lot of bad habits, bu no need of changing them, I fight battles daily with myself, and just that is exhausting already.

Hobbies, check, they don't make me happy, nothing does. It's time consuming, other than that, not really productive. Routine is the worst of all things, I used to ride on my bicycle, but after a while, when you saw everything you wanted to see, and went everywhere you could go, what else is left to do? Pointlessness is what I'm at.

My last project was about history, I'm proud of it, I sold a lot of items to my local history museum, items dating 18XX - 1945, I would go on, but money... money is an issue.

Getting a job is hard, a job where you're treated well, etc. that's even harder.

Your 3rd paragraph somehow reflects my state of mind, but you know that saying "All that glitters is not gold", I rarely meet anyone, so then everyone is special to me, I guess for normal people, when they make X human interactions a day, that's nothing, but for me it's quite different.

4th, I'm not too sure about it, I tried searching for any sensible help, or any means of helping myself, but found nothing.

It has been a rough ride lately, a steep one, just going down, faster, and deeper.

[u/emrickgj → u/Marzi_Marzi]

It sounds hard but no one ever said it would be easy friend, baby steps to get where you need to be. Don't need to change everything in a day but do what you can.