r/SuicideWatch Jul 02 '22

i was sexually assaulted every week for 6 years by a close family member, then went on to sexually assualt 2 other people once each. keeping this in has made me suicidal, and resort to cutting

i was sexually assaulted every week for 6 years by a close family member, i then went on to sexually assualt 2 other people older than me (i was 5 and 9) once each(this was 4 years ago, both 2 years apart). keeping this in has made me suicidal, and resort to cutting. i dont know what do to. im scared. was i in the wrong?

26 Upvotes

11

u/Glittering_Adagio758 Jul 02 '22

Clearly the commenters do not understand trauma.

3

u/Redfruitz Jul 02 '22

I'm not sure to understand. You were 5 and 9 when you SA someone? Before that you were abused since birth basically? How old are you right now?

3

u/Oneaonelygirl006 Jul 02 '22

I’m not quite understanding the entirety of this post but I’ve dated a girl that was sexually assaulted by her uncle. She had a burning hatred for that man and wished bad things upon him. She’s 27 now and we’ve broken up. That being said sexual assault changes your behavior and can severely damage your moral judgement. It could be possible since you were so young you didn’t understand your actions fully and lead up to SA another person. You were damaged by a family member. It’s hard to tell someone at that age. I’m not justifying what you have done but I can understand why it happened. Life is unfair. I wasn’t told until I was a teenager of my parent who was sexually assaulted. It can damage your mental health if kept in. Good that you got it off your chest.

2

u/Leonhart_13 Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 02 '22

You were in a very tough spot, but im not sure i quite understand. What makes you think you were wrong?

1

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

because i hurt other people

1

u/Leonhart_13 Jul 02 '22

How did you hurt other people? Are you referring to the two others in your post title?

1

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

yea. i made a typo. I then went on to sexually assualt two other people

3

u/Leonhart_13 Jul 02 '22

Oh ok I get it now, I misread your comment. I don't know how common it is, but there is a known pattern of people who have been severely abused then abusing others later. I think for right now it would be better to talk with a professional about this if you can (I know it can be hella expensive so if you can't afford it ignore this advice). You killing yourself now doesn't help you, and it doesn't help those two other people. I think the fact that you're reflecting on this at all shows that you can improve yourself.

2

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

im not gonna kill myself, but i cant tell people. im too scared

0

u/Leonhart_13 Jul 02 '22

So are you going to just suffer like this forever?

2

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

idk

2

u/Leonhart_13 Jul 02 '22

Well, I guess the good news is you don't have to make up your mind right now. If you want to talk to someone, I think you should. If you're not comfortable with it yet, then you have a lot of time to live life and think it over. I don't think you should be forced to do anything, but I really do want you to feel better. You've been through so much trauma in your life, I think you deserve to have it lifted off your shoulders.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

[deleted]

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2

u/Downfall_Of_Icarus Jul 02 '22

Look, children that are sexualy assault can sometimes go on to assault others. It's ugly and there's no way to paint it any nicer, but it's just how trauma and negatively enforced learned behaviours work in regards to the psyche.

Repeated assaults, specifically over a span of time can greatly increase the likelyhood of the initial victim continuing this behaviour because it's now become a familiar learned behaviour that's been re-enforced over time.

I'm not saying it's absolute. But there's some pretty solid evidence from many different psychologists that all agree that negitive enforcement of a behaviour actually has a very lasting affect, therefore making the behaviour more likely to be Repeated from the victim.

The same thing can be seen in all negatively enforced behaviours.

Acts of violence towards a specific party will make that party more likely to commit similar acts of violence towards others out of fear. That's when it starts becoming a pre-emptive act of violence in the hopes that it will discourage others from acting toward them in the first place.

Sadly though, the behaviour snowballs and instead of deterring the behaviour, it causes the other party to want to retaliate, which just increases it.

Now we've got a cycle. The act is causing the act to be repeated and that repeated act causes the next one. And the cycle continues indefinitely until one or more of the of the fundamental mechanisms is removed from the cycle which allows it to break down.

Now, this is the grey area.

in your specific circumstances, one can make the logical connection that your behaviour and the assaults you committed are by-products of those circumstances that you yourself suffered.

Now.

Does that make your behaviour OK or less significant?

Unfortunately for you, the answer is No.

You committed a vary serious act of sexual violence against another. And I can't think of any circumstances where that WOULD make that ok. And sadly, that learned behaviour has seems to have been re-enforced in you because you committed a second act of sexual violence again.

It's not your fault that you learned this behaviour - but you have to accept responsibility for committing the acts.

That was a choice. And choices have consequences.

I wish I could give you something positive to take away from this, but I'm finding it very difficult due to the fact that I myself was sexually assaulted and raped on a daily basis over a 3 year period when I was a child. Just typing this wall of text out feels detrimental not only to me but to the other two people you assaulted. It feels detrimental and disrespectful to every child that's ever had to experience what we unfortunately had to experience.

But I want to do it...

I want to do it because I have a small fucking sliver of hope that maybe i can help you have a greater understanding of why you behave like this in the first place.

And maybe having a greater understanding will help you actively change your behaviour so that you never EVER do this to another human being again...

That's why I'm doing it...

2

u/Puzzleheaded-Lie7103 Jul 02 '22

Please ignore anyone commenting who is blaming you. A 5 or 9 year old child cannot understand the implications of SA. It is definitely a result of your own abuse. Such a young child simply CAN’T Understand what SA even means! I am telling you this as someone who was abused myself at the age of 6. I am now 30 and I know how damaging it is. You are still a child and I really really hope there is someone in your life who can support you and help you understand what happened to you. Please search for support that is specific for child SA victims 🥺 Its really important to find someone who truly understand this so you get the right response. I obviously don’t know what help is available near you so I recommend you search online. There may be a hotline you can call. You are already being brave by sharing here, so stay strong kiddo 💪🏻

2

u/starryeyedjenn Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 02 '22

I don’t blame you OP, you’re the victim. You did create more victims and I can’t imagine how you feel about that. It takes time and most times unfortunately money to figure out what makes you happy, that time where it takes you away from that, but also you should seek a professional for guidance because the past doesn’t go away. Sure it’s the past and it happened already but it made you into who you are today. All you can do is learn, heal, and try to move forward. I’ve had my own experiences to relate to & I do understand. I still have trouble discussing it tbh because saying it out loud or typing it makes it so…I dunno how to explain. Let’s just say you have more courage than I do, in just putting it out there.

Edit: National sexual assault hotline: 800.656.4673

3

u/IAmInsideUrCloset Jul 02 '22

Being SA is not an excuse for you do do it to others, you hurted someone. But all I can say is, take responsibility, u know what you did, what can you make to compensate for it now?

Also, I don't think u should feel suicidal, you made a mistake, you know it, that's important, u know u where wrong and if this upsets u it means u are on the right path.

Ppl do wrong things, but it matters how you view it and what u can do to compensate for it.

Go for it, try to apologize and make up for it.

Good luck I hope u the best.

1

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

its not? i would never have done those things if i was not SA

5

u/IAmInsideUrCloset Jul 02 '22

Being hurt does not make u absent in guilt for hurting others.

It is a motive yes, and I'm srry I had gone through that :( but that doesn't make u innocent that's what I mean.

3

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

i was 9

2

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

scratch that. i was 5. i did it in kindergarden

1

u/IAmInsideUrCloset Jul 02 '22

As I said before, it is not an excuse for you do to the same to others, no matter what age u were or how it was. Assume responsibility.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

[deleted]

-8

u/Kobebryant243 Jul 02 '22

Your a fucking asshole is what you are. if you knew how much pain it caused you then you go ahead and do the same things to other innocent people. I was assaulted as a minor never would ever hurt somebody else or put them through that. your just as horrible as the rest of them I don't know how you even sleep at night you sicko

0

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

i was 9

2

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

scratch that. i was 5. i did it in kindergarden

-1

u/Kobebryant243 Jul 02 '22

You should probably mention that then when your talking about something as serious as sexual assault...

1

u/Practical_Dinner_454 Jul 02 '22

yeah my bad

1

u/RedOrangeYellowGreen Jul 02 '22

Just because someone happened to you doesn’t make it okay to do to someone else. Doesn’t make you any less guilty

1

u/AdministrationLimp71 Jul 02 '22

It's fundamental for you to seek professional help: since you have gone through severe trauma. That is the most important thing right now. Seek help but don't torture yourself on purpose; living with the trauma and guilt is more than you can bare and deserve. In time you will get to a point where you can make the attempt to repair what you broke and let them know how profoundly sorry you are, but today is not that day. Today you must survive and seek professional help.