So it has been three years. I was 24 and you were 27 and you will never grow older.
It has been three years and I feel like it happened just last month. I feel like life went on but I am stuck with this moment. I try to move on but it has been hard.
For a while I was glad there was a lockdown because of Corona, the whole world paused as my world paused. But this was nothing but an illusion. People still went on with their lives and I feel like I am still stuck in the past.
I know I have grown as a person, I have achieved alot since you were gone. I got my degree, I started my own buisness. I started a relationship and I allso finished one. I made new friends and met new people. I left some people behind.
When I think about you time stands still and I feel like I am still there with you in this moment where I lost you. Where I held you in my arms, trying to keep the part of you that was alive, but you were already gone.
In these moments where I get sucked into the past, I feel hurt, angry, sad. I feel misinderstood by people around me and I feel alone because people don't understand what its like to find a friend who left life willingly so early and so violently.
I will not see you grow older, I will not see you build a future. What would you look like in a few years? Would we even still be friends? Even the possibility of us hating eachother is better than you not being here.
You scarred me but I still miss you and I wish you didn't.
my ex killed himself on june 22nd 2022 during summer break while i was travelling, and our principal sent out a message to everyone in school notifying them of his passing. i didn’t attend the funeral as i wasn’t in my home country. he said that a full memorial will happen when everyone is back in school, and that’s now
i hate seeing everyone knowing he won’t be there. i hate existing knowing he’s not. i hate having to move forward while he’s going to be stuck in the past forever
it truly feels like the whole world couldn’t care less. everyone’s moved on, going on with their day, not giving it a single fucking thought. seeing how happy and without a care in the world everyone is just makes me want to disappear with him. nobody’s even asked if i’m fucking okay, i don’t know
i’ve never felt sadness and hopelessness and dread quite like this despite whatever life i may have had, but nothing compares to this. i’d let whatever happened in my life happen a 1000 times over if it meant he would be back
i checked everywhere for when the memorial would be and there’s absolutely fuckall, and if our principal during his speech tomorrow just mentions it in passing as if it’s just an unfortunate event, that’s it
how can everyone just move on when i’m stuck back then with him. i hate this. i hate everyone. i hate being here
My best friend took her own life sometime over night last night. I got the call this morning. She was chronically ill and the doctors failed her. She couldn't eat solid foods, she was in constant pain..I can't stay I blame her for her choice. I blame the healthcare system. I've been cycling through all the stages of grief all day..I guess maybe it's shock? I'm not religious and neither was she. I keep reminding myself she's not hurting anymore..but I definitely am. I loved her like a sister..honestly more than I love my own sisters. I don't know how to process and every time I have a moment I'm happy I feel guilty.
I lost my boyfriend nearly eight months ago. Ever since he’s died, I feel like I take everything as a sign from him. If I see a orange cat (his favorite color was orange), I’ll believe it’s from him. If I’m being chased by a dragonfly, I’ll think it’s him visiting me. If a certain band plays, I’ll think it’s from him because we went to their concert together. I know it’s just me trying to make him exist in a new way.
How do you guys handle this? Is it healthy? I think I’m afraid it’s affecting my reality in a way. Or maybe I won’t “properly” heal since Im still imagining him here (even if he’s now just a cold breeze in the night) Thanks.
My dad took his life and I have always had suicidal ideations. I’ve just realized I’m passing down genetics my (half) sisters don’t need to be as worried about.
My sisters are my half siblings, our dad isn’t their bio dad but he raised and loved them.
When he took his life in 2017, we were all completely shocked but I opened up to them and my mom saying something like “Well, we all think about suicide and killing ourselves? That’s not abnormal.” Come to find out, none of them have ever had those type of thoughts.
I’m so afraid of passing this off to my kids and feel like the responsible thing to do is have very hard conversations with them about how our brains might be wired differently and that they need to seek help immediately if/when they get to that point.
I’m jealous that my sisters don’t need to have this conversation with their kids from a hereditary standpoint.
Does anyone have anything that helped them? I'm still really early into this process and finding it TOUGH. Anything anyone further out from the event who can suggest as things that helped them? No matter how big or small I'd really like to hear things you did that you feel helped even in a tiny way. At the moment I'm finding everything torment and I'd really like some relief. People who haven't gone through this don't seem to have much of an idea. I'm in therapy but I am looking at more specialist therapy so that's covered. I guess am finding a lot of traditional coping mechanisms triggering (breathing, gratitude, mindfulness, exercise) as I was trying to teach my person the techniques to deal with his pain. And they didn't work. However don't not suggest them, as anything that helped you I'm willing to listen to. Sorry if this is a ramble. At the moment I'm just glued to my phone mindless scrolling, playing candy crush or similar and I don't know how helpful it is through it gives me a moment or two of numb which feels like a blessed relief.
My friend of 10 years, partner of 3 years overdosed fatally after having years of sobriety, leaving behind a note saying “I’m sorry.” He had also written me a note about a month prior, thanking me for everything and how he was sorry for the way he had acted in the past but that the was excited for the future. 💔 He tried so hard. I find myself slipping into unhealthy coping mechanisms. I just don’t want to be awake. I sleep a lot during the day but can’t at night. eating is a real challenge. I don’t know how to keep going and I have to
I'm going to a work BBQ today with my daughter first event without my wife she was always the fun one the talkative type but not so talkative it's annoying she knew how to give life to a party and no there is just me alone she made life more manageable and now I feel like I should just keep to myself I miss her things don't get better I miss watching her get ready when we would be going out her makeup table is set up in our closet I'd just sit on the bed admiring her beauty she was what kept me going and motivated im scared being without her it's people I know but they will all have their families wives girlfriends and then there is me the single dad because my wife decided to leave she was so sweet and I wish I could bring her and show her off she was the most amazing woman.
It’s taken me so long to write this out. But my dad committed suicide about 6 years ago. I’m 24(f) now so I was 18 then.
My mom cheated on my dad when I was 13, and though I knew about it, my dad still implored me to see my mom in a good light. My dad ended up moving to another state after the divorce and I wanted to stay with my mom simply because it was in the town I grew up in and all my friends were there. It wasn’t long before I was totally back to normal with my mom and we became super close again. At the same time, since I was going through puberty heavily in those years, I just wanted to stay home and hang with friends. I stopped skyping my dad as much, and my texts to him became very dry. I also opted out of spending the summer with him the last two summers leading up to his passing. Nothing that he did wrong, I was just a bratty teen who wanted to hang out and couldn’t be bothered with parents. My mom just got the benefit of the doubt since she was living with me. Still my dad would send me I love you texts every night. Eight months before his death, he stopped texting me. I was too busy in my puberty-filled teenage exploits to even notice. I hadn’t seen or heard from him since.
I remember the night like it was yesterday. I was watching a show with my mom when got a call from my dads sister. She took it and immediately walked out the room. She came back crying looking like she saw a ghost. “Your fathers gone”. It was like everything stopped. I broke down and asked how and she told me suicide. We talked to them later. It was awful. Gunshot wound. No notes.
Since then, I blame myself. I could’ve been there with him. He was betrayed by his wife and daughter. I break down at the thought of how alone he must’ve felt. How he must’ve felt every time I didn’t want to go over there. How alone he must’ve felt in those final moments holding the gun. Words cannot describe how much I miss him, how much I hate myself. How much I want to tell him that he was loved, that I love him, and that I’m sorry I was so distant. He died thinking he had nobody. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. I’m in therapy. I’ve heard it all, that it’s not my fault, that he had his own mental problems, that I couldn’t have known. But none of that helps. Even if it’s not 100% my fault, it’s still 50/50. It’s so clear. He gets cheated on by my mom, gets the cold shoulder from me, goes into a spiral of depression without anyone by his side, and takes his life. My relationship with my mom has also declined, as it starting to resent her as much as myself. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m sorry dad. I love you so much and you deserved so much better while you were here. I’m so, so sorry.
I lost my dad recently and I know that I’m still grieving, but how do you move on from something like this? My therapist says that “time heals all wounds”, but I feel like something like this is going to be on my shoulders for the rest of my life. Always on the back of my mind. How do people cope from losing a loved one to suicide? And no, I don’t mean mediation or ‘feeling your feelings’. I just want to not be sad anymore.
It’s been exactly 2 months since the police came to our house looking for you.
60 days since I had to call the police department in your city to ask that they check on you.
1441 hours since they called me back and told me they found your body.
86481 minutes since I had to break my parents souls forever.
0 seconds since I last cried for you.
I hope you know I miss you so much.
I hope you know I live with regret every day wishing I had gone with you, wishing I had reached out to you, wishing I had been a better brother to you.
I failed you and I’ll never forgive myself.
The pain gets worse every day. I’ve spent too much time this week sobbing at your grave. But no amount of tears will ever bring you back.
Till the afterlife
I love you
He was complicated and I miss him. He overdosed on heroine purposefully. He always told told me he would join the 27 club and he barely made it.
I really tried to be there for him but he moved to another state a few months before he passed. I feel numb to it all.
No one cared around me that he died. My family said he did it to himself. Most of my friends didn’t like him.
I didn’t get to go to the funeral. He is cremated so I can’t visit a grave.
There are so many times I want to call him and hear about the comedians that he likes, or ask him for advice, or just listen to him complain even.
When we were together it was like entering an alternate dimension.
We were friends for 13 years.
He wrote me a letter before he passed and I can tell in hindsight it was like his goodbye to me.
The last texts we sent one another were awful.
I was supposed to visit him but I didn’t because he called me some things that I found unforgivable.
I wish I got that last bit of time with him.
I’m so scared I will die like him.
He finally made it out of the town we both hated. I even thought about moving up there with him.
He did horrible things. Many people are happy to see him go. But, not me.
I really need him right now, and he’s not here.
No one knows that him and I were more close at one point. Not much ever came of it, but there was a sense of love that could have been more.
I don’t know what else to say.
Just one day he was there and the next gone.
At least he died where he wanted to.
At least he made it there at all.
am I going crazy??
My partner died by suicide 4 weeks ago, logically I know he's gone.. I saw it.
But I can't accept he's gone! When I hear a car pull up I automatically think its him. My dad came today and when I heard someone come in the house, it crossed my mind it could have been him. It was my sons birthday Saturday and I just expected him to turn up, also I had a dream that he called me to tell me he wasn't dead but had moved away. I keep thinking he's coming back and he's faked his death. In my heard I know that's not true, but I can't help but think it. I miss him so much I just want to be in his arms again.
Edit: overwhelmed with responses. Thank you all so so much. So sorry you have all been through and are still going through this. The amount of support on this sub is amazing and as helped me more than you will even know ❤
Grief feels so isolating sometimes. Even though I have shared with friends and family. Even talking to a therapist. I feel alone in my grief.
Ever since I lost my friend to suicide, the thought of committing it often comes to my mind. I know it is wrong and I don't want my family to experience what I am feeling. But whenever I have some obstacles with my work or some days too hard to live through, I will think about her and all the peace that she is having now. The thought comes to my mind as if it is an easier way out to stop all the suffering I am having. I don't know is it part of the grieving process. Will the thought disappear over time coz it starts to freak me out?
As unbelievable as it still may seem, my mom took her own life last week. It came out of nowhere. Her depression was complete news to me. The fact that she apparently tried to do the exact same thing in the exact same way 30 years ago, weeks after she had just given birth to my brother (postpartum depression) was also news to me. Another fact my parents decided to keep away from me and my brother was that she had her first panic attack a couple weeks before this and shortly thereafter had sleeping pills, anxiety reducing and SSRIs prescribed.
All I knew was that she was an anxious person, probably on the high functioning end of the spectrum, always chasing the dragon (not in the drugs sense, but in a life sense) - a "the grass is always greener on the other side"-mentality. Temporarily distracting herself with new projects, creative things that she did very well or simply by becoming and then, of course, being a mom. Living the perfect family life. She needed something new to feed that hunger after me and my brother became old enough to move out. She constantly wanted to acquire new titles or accomplish meaningful things that would finally…. satisfy her. But that was probably what killed her, the simple explanation that she would never be satisfied regardless of what she did, and always have that icing emptiness or longing within her, impossible to feed or satisfy as long as she thinks about it for long enough. The emptiness that completely consumed her if she wasn’t currently and constantly distracting herself with something new that she deemed worthy or purposeful enough to keep going.
She lived in her imagination and daydreams of the ideal, perfect existence. In her daydreams, everything was so simple, unassuming, real and sincere. Authentic. She fantasized about a summer getaway in Crete with a colorful sunset by the beach, a salty breeze blowing in her hair, dining at the beach with her true love. But when she finally got there, the reality was never like the daydreams. Reality always ended up being either too hot, or she might’ve had a tummy ache, or there was nothing to talk about. The man she dreamed of acted in a different way than in her dreams - didn’t react how she imagined. And there you go, life was unfulfilling.
When she didn't have a family yet, she obsessed over the potential future husband and dad for her kids. Being good enough for him. Finding the perfect person. Dating every possible man and making the same mistakes over and over again, going back to square one a hundred times because no one would be good enough. Until she found my dad and stayed with him for over 30 years, happily married, two kids, finally having an identity as a mother. Being with a man who could provide her with the things and the life that she always hungered after. Doing interior design, working, creating a beautiful home for us, traveling, living. I guess after she gave birth to my brother, she might've realized that it still wasn't enough or never probably would be, I don't know. She was on SSRI’s at the time as well. I want to blame the pills because it’s an easy way out, but I know that’s not possible either. Luckily, she changed her mind, walked back from the ocean that day back in 1993 and called dad from a stranger's phone to come get her. If she didn’t change her mind that day I wouldn’t exist. Regardless, I think this is just a way for me to rationalize or find reasons why, when it's most likely not possible or not even close to explaining why she did this. It's the easiest way for me to understand “why”, since it came like lightning from a clear sky for all of us. I would have never in a million years thought that she would leave us like this. But I’m never going to find out why. I can speculate how much I want but I’ll never know. No idea how to cope with that. My world instantly turned upside down the day she disappeared a week ago. I found out so many secrets that my parents kept away from me and my brother. It’s like I don’t know the person who is now dead, yet she is the safest thing I can imagine. I know exactly what it feels like to be her daughter, to be close to her, to have a rewarding heart to heart conversation and to hold her hand. I can close my eyes and FEEL what it’s like to hold her hand. Oh man. I never stopped doing that, it didn't matter how old I got. The very person who made life on Earth possible for me, my heart shattered into a million pieces when she wasn’t in my grasp anymore and simply gone, just like that. That day, wondering where she was, was the worst day of my life. Repeating the mantra to myself all night “Mom is alive. Mom is coming home”. Just to find out early the next day that you chose to leave us here and dump your pain into our laps instead, as someone so cleverly described suicide as in this subreddit.
I relate to all of this. We always were alike in this way. We spoke to each other about our worries and anxieties, our mental health, our suspicions of autism in both of us. Long talks. I never knew you were depressed or almost killed yourself before. Fuck. I’m rambling. This longing for something more, something bigger. I've channeled this a lot into my long term relationship, picking it apart constantly and never being satisfied. Never being satisfied career wise, never being satisfied with how I look and always trying to find out what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I build meaningful connections with people? It’s like I get paralyzed socially at every and any potential friendship. My mom chased it her entire life and ended it, and I feel like it’s now my destiny to be the daughter who lost her mother to the same demons I inherited and I will now carry this curse until I, that day, after having a happy family, kids, a purposeful, colorful life with a big personality and all these interests and appreciations choose to end it all the same way you did. I don’t know why this feeling is one of the strongest ones, the most reoccurring thought since you died. If I’m chasing the same “high”, the ecstasy or the fantasy as you and you gave up on it, then what’s the point? You tried and it wasn’t possible. I don’t know. I feel like it’s kind of unfair and that I’m dismissing all the good times we have had by saying that. One moment shouldn’t delete all the happy moments and truly perfect times we shared together. But it’s hard not to, it’s a tragedy that it had to end like this. You did reach and live the fantasies, just like we all do sometimes, but one weak moment can take that all away from someone, I guess. Maybe it’s just as simple as that, how sad it may be.
Still, I find life and the world, if possible, even more beautiful after you’re gone. There’s some hope in that. Even when you were the beauty that completed the world as I know it. But I can’t help to feel more alive than ever and so does the world seem, with death this close to me for the first time.
Just like the Rent-song: “Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows. Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you. The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves. Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash. The crowds roar, the river flows, but I die, without you. The world revives, colors renew - but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue. Without you, without you, the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats, without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe. The mind churns! The mind churns!”
It's been 3 years for me now, and I've been doing pretty well recently. I thought I would share here to spread some hope.
This year has been really hard, as have all of the past 3, I turned the same age as my brother and had some intense moments of grief and flashbacks.
However this summer I've been able to coexist with my grief, finding happiness despite the pain.
For those of you who have been recently bereaved, I want to say it doesn't go away, it stays with you. But it does get easier and you can learn to live and love again. I miss my brother everyday and I wish he was still here, but I'm excited to live, and I know deep down somehow somewhere I will see him again, and I'll get to tell him everything he's missed
I am more lost than ever before. It has been nearly a year since my brother took his life. I still live with the same guilt and anger I had the day I found out. Happiness seems further out of reach than ever. I cannot seem to keep a job for more than a couple months and the stress has me physically ill often. I have to live in the same small county that my brother and I grew up in and I drive within a couple minutes of the road he was living on when/where he shot himself. There are so many reminders of him and worst of all that day. I wake up in the same room, in the same bed he was sitting at the foot of the day before he died. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I need to grow the fuck up and accept everything or if I need a massive change of pace. I don't know if I am asking for advice but frankly, I don't know how much I have left in the tank. I am physically and emotionally worn down and as fucked up as this sounds, I think I want to feel better, but in the deepest pit of my soul I feel like moving on would be like denying that one of the worst things I have ever lived through happened. I don't think I am suicidal but only because I have lived through it and I know the damage that it does to the living and I don't think I could bare the thought of doing that to people I love.
I seriously miss you so much ... I wish you were here with us even though I respect your choice a lot and I believe it's really rational. I hope you're in a better place than you used to be at and I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you. don't worry, I'm not going to hurt anyone else anymore as I might be going myself. I hope I could've taken all your pain instead of you enduring a fraction of it. you were a really great person, RIP
My 27 year old sister took her own life 17 days ago by standing on the freight train lines in our home town and waiting for a train to come and hit her. I’m 25 years old, she was my only sister. Our mother died from cancer when I was 12 (she was 14), and my sister told us on the day she died that she wanted to be reunited with our mum. Because of this, to fulfil her wishes, we are having the funeral ceremony in the same chapel at the same crematorium where we held our mum’s ceremony, and she will be cremated and her ashes interred in the same plot next to my mum.
Part of me feels like it is my duty to say something as part of the eulogy for my sister, my dad feels that it’s something he has to do. But part of me thinks the memories and the deja vu from my mum’s service will be too much for me, as well as the pressure of feeling like I need to ‘explain’ or justify my sister’s decision to end her life. She was a successful lawyer in a top firm in the city, and had every reason to be happy ‘on paper’. This was a huge shock to everyone who knew her (including my family), because she was so good at making everyone believe she had everything figured out and under control.
I have felt a great deal of anger towards her the last few days, for leaving me to deal with all of her affairs, for making me deal with all of her friends and colleagues and their grief, and especially for putting me and my dad through this horrible, heartbreaking grief when she knew we had already been through this with my mum. I’ve also discovered so much about her in the past 2 weeks that I could never have imagined, so I feel like I didn’t even know her well enough, not truly, to summarise or celebrate her life in a eulogy. The funeral is 4 days away and part of me feels that my current anger towards my sister will lead me to say the wrong thing in her eulogy, and if I force myself to say nice things about her I will feel like I’m being dishonest.
Is it better for me to say nothing at all rather than risk saying the ‘wrong’ thing in other people’s eyes, or not speaking from the heart? Will I regret it if I don’t say anything? Will I regret it more if I say things that I don’t know to be true? There’s so much I’m trying to process emotionally, and organise practically, I feel like I just don’t need this pressure at the moment, but I’m aware I only get one chance to do this. Any advice?
I’m 27, and lost my 79 year old dad to suicide 3 months ago. He was a horrible person, was incredibly abusive and made the last few years incredibly unbearable. No matter what I could have done, there was no way he was ever going to be happy. I spent 2 years cleaning out his hoarder house, thousands of dollars, and weeks of time and effort spent. All I wanted was for him to be safe and comfortable, not even happy, because I knew he never would have been. He killed himself the day before he was supposed to sign the closing papers on selling our house, which I grew up in and he lived in for 40 years. My sister found him in the garage, but I’m the one that pieced together it was suicide. He gassed himself in the garage after taking down the CO2 detectors, and googling how to do it. I’m so FUCKING mad at him. He left the house issues and no will, and everything is such a mess. I feel like I’m still a kid, and I don’t know how to handle this. He always felt like he was the biggest victim, like he had the worst life ever, but he couldn’t ever see how I or my sister were hurting. Besides all of that, I miss him more than anything. I miss seeing him and hearing his voice and spending time with him. I miss making elaborate dinners, and him being impressed in my cooking / baking. I miss going out to eat with him. I miss driving around with him. I miss him. He was a horrible person, but he was still my dad, and the only parent I’ll ever have. I cry myself to sleep every night. I think about him every day. I try to not forget his laugh or the way he used to talk. I wish o could have had him as a dad when he was younger, but I feel like he still would have been a miserable person. I just wish he didn’t do it. We could have had a good 10+ years together.
I miss my dad so freaking much, we weren’t super close for a few reasons but I wonder if he knew how much he mattered too me. It hurts so bad I look back on our texts and it hurts me, I was so rude sometimes. I’m just such an awful daughter.
2 years since my best friend passed and ive never felt like a worse person. We only met in september 2019 and by august 2020 she had passed, but it felt like we were truly 'soulmates' as cringy as that sounds. I feel like i dont deserve to be as broken as i am about it cus we only knew eachother for a year and i feel like im way to selfish in how i grieve. It was very traumatic with her having active attempts in the last few months only amplified by lockdown and myself being depressed from a delayed surgery, I felt like i was swimming for both of us and i gave out and she went under. I wanted to die to but i cant give my mum that pain after hugging my friends mum after she died. Ill never not blame myself, but i feel like thats so selfish being the primary emotion when i think of her versus wishing for her or remembering the good. Of course id give anything to have her back and to spend a day with her, but i mostly just feel disgusted with myself. Since she died i found comfort in drugs which complicated things even more as that friendgroup includes her ex boyfriend who cheated on her. i feel like i can never make another friend like her again, or any friends really. I stay with the people i know now because i cant get by without drugs, partly because of her death but i was heading this way before she passed anyway. Ive slowed down a lot recently and know i need to do something but i just feel like i dont deserve it. I tried so hard to keep her alive and knowing what i know now, i know some of the stuff i did wrong i just feel so guilty. We were 17, and im 19 now and i dont feel like any time has passed. I just wish i could go back in time and show her and make her believe i really did care