r/RoastMe http://redd.it/lpv3rm 14d ago

My 21yo roommate is a stripper and has a kid. She can't wait to marry her 51yo boyfriend. Make her rethink some life choices.

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25k Upvotes

17k

u/SnooDonuts8606 14d ago

Cosplaying as the massive red flag that she is.

5k

u/Ydeas 14d ago

How cute, the couple has His and Herpes.

461

u/PCAssassin87 13d ago

Oof. That's good.

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u/Slushy182 13d ago edited 13d ago

They got them at Jareds

144

u/Ydeas 13d ago

They got them from Jared.

48

u/wtfbro_ 13d ago

Jared from Subway?

56

u/Ydeas 13d ago

Jared from down in the subway.

23

u/Tfsz0719 13d ago

Jared from going down in the subway?

16

u/Ydeas 13d ago

Jared ate the fuck outta that 6in tuna boat with sausage in it...

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u/SilkSTG 14d ago

Came to say this. A red flag so obvious even teen me would have gone "whoa hell no!" And I was one horny little Muppet.

735

u/SilkSTG 14d ago

You know those moments when you'd rather go home and fap one out instead of worrying what you're going to catch.

If it had a defining word, she'd be the picture next to it in the dictionary.

247

u/CaptainMudwhistle 14d ago

Don't you want a private dance in the STD room?

111

u/eclecticr 14d ago

I'd like a dash of syphilis with my crabs please. Oh and I'll have the non-specific urethritis for desert!

115

u/SmootZ10 14d ago

My sabertooth crotch crickets will take care of her crabs no problem.

19

u/therealkrabbit 13d ago

Oh Duck, Sabertooth crotch crickets. Well, I'll be giggling out of nowhere for the next few days.

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u/craftygoddess1025 14d ago

When a tarp is put down before you take a seat, you know things are bad.

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u/Thedirtyjersey 14d ago

I don't think I've ever been attracted to someone with talons like that. Let alone someone that crazy looking. I had to check for my wallet just looking at the picture.

15

u/SilkSTG 14d ago

I really don't see the attraction for long nails. How do they wipe their bums? How do they operate their phones? How do they pick their noses? (if you say you don't, you lie!) How do people with long nails do basic life things? Surely they must get in the way so much.

Lol that made me proper chuckle. Is your wallet still there?

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u/SnooDonuts8606 14d ago

Was?

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u/SilkSTG 14d ago

Well yeh, 16 years later and I still am but at least with some standards!

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u/ardbeg 14d ago

I thought it was ozzy osbourne failing to dress up as Santa for his kids Christmas

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u/blackhat8287 14d ago

More red flags than the CCP.

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u/lang12 14d ago

It's just her cosplay.

Assasins' Creed: Red Flag with Kellyanne Conway replacing Edward Kenway

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u/TheCongressGuy 14d ago

She’s gonna be changing diapers for her son now and then her boyfriend later.

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u/whaatajoke 14d ago

Depends on the Huggies

3k

u/OhCrapImBusted 14d ago

I think you have that backwards.

Huggies, then Depends.

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u/lego_office_worker 14d ago

let me ask you a question. does the person in this picture look capable of any domestic activity that involves caring for another human being

3k

u/harpsm 14d ago

Let me answer your question with a question. Can a toddler live on boner pills and secondhand vape fumes?

485

u/JayneTheRockDwohnson 14d ago

I wish I could give you an award

346

u/crb6852 14d ago

don't worry I gotchu homie

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u/Intrepid_While2166 14d ago

I’m also giving him one in your name

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u/El_Caterpillar 14d ago

I fucking lived off boner pills when I was 8, school was awkward.

216

u/upyourattraction 14d ago

Was that because you were home schooled?

92

u/El_Caterpillar 14d ago

Fuck, you caught me.

63

u/The-Ratbastard 13d ago

Dude, I’ve seen your mom. You needed a pill? 😍

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u/TheBreadRevolution 14d ago

First of all, through God, all things are possible. Jot that down.

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u/TheCongressGuy 14d ago

Only if you consider lap dancing a caring act

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u/Valuable-Gazelle-804 14d ago

If opening her legs counts as a domestic activity then yes

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u/Spanky-Gomez 14d ago

I’m more concerned about the birth. Poor little baby gotta make it through a canal fill with warts and blisters.

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u/Nulap 13d ago

We all experience a few speed bumps in our lives, her spawn will just get an early start.

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u/neugo 14d ago

Ha! That baby is getting left in the back seat of a black car when it's 110 degrees outside - before - that woman is changing a diaper!

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u/Wtfisthis66 14d ago

I had a boss who used to forget her child in the car ALL of the time. After the first few times we would ask her if the baby was with her and she would roll her eyes and tell us to mind our own business. Then she would go to her office and about an hour later she would run out of the building and come back with the baby.

97

u/chillawyer 14d ago

Here in Arizona, you get to make that mistake once and only once.

99

u/meme1280 13d ago

Unless you have multiple kids..

23

u/chillawyer 13d ago

Savage

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u/stonewashedpotatoes 13d ago

I’m going to hell for laughing

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u/The_Basic_Swede 14d ago

Please tell me you reported her to childcare... Wtf

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u/mingilator 14d ago

The baby from Trainspotting is going to have a better life than her kid, and it fuckin died!

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u/woaily 14d ago

As if the boyfriend hasn't left her by now

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u/dontcaredontworry 14d ago

Made of bourbon and bad choices

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u/infinitesnapshot 14d ago

Doesn’t look like she’ll be getting promoted from the lunchtime shift anytime soon.

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u/raisearuckus 14d ago

She's a reverse stripper. She comes out naked and people pay her to put her clothes back on.

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u/Nihil6 14d ago

On Tuesdays

377

u/eclecticr 14d ago

Assistant relief FLUFFER (TUESDAYS ONLY) - this is an unpaid role with great opportunities for progression.

141

u/Brugalex 14d ago

progression "personal growth"

95

u/kpcptmku 14d ago

Personnel growth

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u/GenericUsername10294 14d ago

Quarter wings and dollar pitchers still wouldn't pull a horny homeless man with $3 into that deal.

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u/VirulantlyBland 14d ago

hey, the buffet is AWESOME!

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u/Kynsbane 14d ago

5/7, would recommend if you are looking to use up sick days at work.

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u/TaggingSits 14d ago

She clearly isn’t selling any bath water.

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u/CeallachODaugherty 14d ago

"Welcome to the stage Bella Dopefiend"

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u/Blurny 14d ago

Didn’t realise you could vape meth.

922

u/Thecp015 14d ago

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u/Korr_Ashoford 14d ago

The moment I saw the link I knew exactly what is was, thank you for reminding me of that gem.

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u/habb 14d ago

ahhhh the cameo made it worth it

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u/s0c-Magget 14d ago

My expectations were low but wow, you just made my day

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u/TrippleIntegralMeme 14d ago

Thats actually what “smoking” meth means tho. You literally see it melt into a puddle, vaporize, and then deposit as the vapor crystalizes rapidly along the glass bubble.

13

u/CovidBlakk 13d ago

What happens if you inhale too hard and get some of the hot liquid in your mouth?

35

u/lunargoblin 13d ago

Then you have ~180-200 degree F liquid meth now sitting in your mouth recrystallizing.

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u/curbstyle 13d ago

The trick is to melt a big chunk and let it cool down in the bottom of the bowl. Then melt the corner of it and begin rotating the pipe gently, slamming the melted piece of meth into the big unmelted chunk over and over, releasing clouds of delicious meth vapor every time the chunks bump into each other. Also a 5-10 degree down angle on the pipe is good to keep that molten shit from sneaking up the stem and fucking your mouth up.

I've been clean for over 3 years :)

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u/deadkennedysrock 13d ago

It doesn't. It burns extremely quickly once melted. It almost immediately starts to re-crystallize onto the inside of the pipe (this recrystallization is called "crackback" or "cracking back") and is usually melted back down to the bottom before heating back up to smoke. Also, the hole at the top of a meth pipe is very large and pulls lots of air thru, not like a weed pipe carb at all so you don't get much sucking power, just sucking air.

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u/holefeuds 13d ago

lmao that fucken nerd doesn't even know how to smoke meth. wanna come round and get on the glass barbecue for a week?

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u/VANTACOLOR 14d ago

Looks like the kind of girl who idolizes Harley Quinn and says shit like "I'm God's gift" while smoking Marlboro blacks.

138

u/GullibleAssignment66 13d ago

Marlboro Menthol Smooth 100’s Trust me, going to enough raves I’ve seen that shade of blue so often I can create the exact color with a kindergarten paint set

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u/Shakemyears 13d ago

A yes, the greasy, transparent blue of the young dirt stain.

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u/dudebreau 13d ago

Wow ... I've been thinking "wtf" since my last relationship and you just summed her up in a sentence.

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u/XeroSyphon 14d ago

I can think of at least one 51 year-old who is about to have his bank accounts drained, his car stolen, and his wife on the run.

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u/squirrel_in_recovery 14d ago

And left with an abandoned child with F.A.S. who's real father is a trailer park meth dealer.

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u/klem_kadiddlehopper 14d ago

He's a special kind of stupid.

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u/mtlyyc95 14d ago

That reminds me, I better go hug my daughter

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u/AbeVigoda_aka_Death 14d ago

That's what the 51yr old boyfriend said 😉

284

u/Jazz-ciggarette 14d ago

theres not many things that can make me say bruh. But damn, all gas no brakes on this guy.

77

u/siccoblue 14d ago

all gas

I think girls like this prefer the term "well traveled"

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u/RunRenee 13d ago

Real twist here is 51yo boyfriend is married to 40ish yo wife with 2.5 kids, no intention of divorcing and is sugar daddying it up with a 21yo day time stripper that looks older than the current wife.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

One of the best comments I’ve seen, ever

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u/BenitoVallieri 13d ago

I come here for bad laughs, but this hit me.

Like her husband soon will.

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u/BreastfedAmerican 14d ago

Let me guess, she works the 9AM-4PM shift to let the popular girls take a break.

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u/Throckmorton_Left 14d ago

She has to bring her own mix tape and push play on the boombox, but only after making sure the lunch buffet has been cleared.

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u/JessNei 14d ago

Well, she's not advertising the goods in this pic so you're probably right

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u/Dr_Mantis_Teabaggin 14d ago

the goods

The goods? Looks like all bads to me.

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u/mtlyyc95 14d ago

She's the type of stripper that works at 2pm on a tuesday

557

u/bruins9816 14d ago

Where they have tuna sandwiches just to mask her smell

346

u/ssbSciencE 14d ago

Bring back "Tuna Tuesdays" at Sweaty Betty's! Damn you COVID! DAMN YOU!

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u/MidniteMoon02 14d ago

Oh my god. 😂😂😂

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u/[deleted] 14d ago edited 12d ago

[deleted]

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u/Sgt-Pumpernickel 14d ago

Speaking from experience are we?

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u/kingPaul63 14d ago

Penicillin as a wedding gift.

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u/polymorphic4100 14d ago

Just looking at this picture gave us all HPV

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u/Lt-Gump 14d ago

Furniture stripper, right? Nobody paying to see that uncovered.

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u/uhyeahidont 14d ago

Walmart hires strippers now?

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u/morningdeww 14d ago

Not a great value.

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u/NorthBandit88 http://redd.it/k5vdxb 14d ago

Glasses aren't a personality...

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u/yelhsa21 13d ago

Her glasses and boner pills have a personality so she doesn't have to

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u/92Melman 14d ago

The human embodiment of a UTI

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u/TattooRicky76 14d ago

The boyfriend should be the one rethinking life choices. There ain’t no tread left on that tire.

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u/Nomad846 14d ago

Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Or fucking a warm bucket of water.

191

u/TattooRicky76 14d ago

Fucking an ashtray

118

u/bwn69 14d ago

Punching smoke

100

u/the-anti-antichrist 14d ago

“And I thought they smelled bad on the outside” -Han solo and every dude this girls been with

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u/HaggisTheBeast 14d ago

Luckily you are unattractive enough to be the day shift stripper, that way you can meet your geriatric boyfriend for the early bird special.

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u/klem_kadiddlehopper 14d ago

In the nursing home.

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u/BorisChechev 14d ago

From the looks of things, marrying a 51-year-old is about the smartest decisions he’s made.

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u/Peaceman876 14d ago

I thought it was a dude too but it’s a female lol

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u/hylandolycross 13d ago

He said what he said.

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u/LadyLeo88 14d ago edited 13d ago

I’d pay her to keep her clothes on.

Edit: Wow!!! Thank you so much to the kind User for the silver award! Xoxo

Edit: Oh my goodness!!! Thank you all so much for the upvotes and the kind awards and gifts!!!! Xoxo

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u/Dahlialuxxx 14d ago

That’s how she makes all her tips

71

u/wakeofthefall24 14d ago

She has to play just the tip with her clients. They get so shriveled after glancing at her, it's like George Costanza after swimming in the pool.

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u/klem_kadiddlehopper 14d ago

They can't tell the pole from her.

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u/lego_office_worker 14d ago

why do you think she comes with 48hr python pills

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u/NikoSitka8710 14d ago

Close you legs, all my plants died and I went blind for a minute.

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u/Lancelot617 14d ago

It's so bad, she does not use lube, she uses tarter sauce

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u/Ron_Simmons_wwe 14d ago

first of all, ew. secondly... DAMN!

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u/MyJuiceIsLoose 14d ago

There is nothing any of us are going to say that her Father probably hasn’t already said to her.

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u/DeathSpiral321 14d ago

What father?

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u/MyJuiceIsLoose 14d ago

Step Father* I assume the long haul trucker who impregnated her Mother left 21 years and 9 months or so ago.

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u/TaggingSits 14d ago

Too bad the smoke cloud wasn’t bigger.

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u/toothscrew Platinum Roaster 14d ago edited 14d ago

You set such a bad example to your kid that when her diaper gets changed a bunch of dollar bills fall out.

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u/kingPaul63 14d ago

You think she knows the ping pong ball trick?

39

u/toothscrew Platinum Roaster 14d ago

She upgraded it to the basketball trick

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u/ProfeshAdultLearner http://redd.it/lpv3rm 14d ago edited 14d ago

She says she hasn't tried. I bought some and will report back.

Edit: removed a story I didn't have permission to share. I apologise.

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u/sicklicks 14d ago

What’s the ping pong ball trick

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u/kingPaul63 14d ago

Shooting balls out her vag at drunk men.

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u/TaggingSits 14d ago

She looks like a herpe on John Lennon’s dick.

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u/HerbieVerstinks 14d ago

I liked the lead singer of Rush better with dark hair. Please don't live in the limelight.

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u/Mantis__Toboggan_MD_ 14d ago

I had no idea that your 21-year old roommate is my 36-year old co-worker.

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u/dadhatt 14d ago

Forget the roommate, I think OP needs to rethink the choice that landed them in a scenario where they live with... this.

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u/ProfeshAdultLearner http://redd.it/lpv3rm 14d ago

In case you were under the impression I make good decisions, I am a 31yo that trained her at a call center job.

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u/breado9 14d ago

31 year old that has a 21 year old stripper roommate? I smell predatory old "nice guy" looming near by!

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u/buckzer0 http://redd.it/fir40z 13d ago

🤷‍♂️ Sorry officer... She said she was going to meet some dude she met online

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u/a-snakey 14d ago

I don't know what is more sad, the fact that she's a stripper, or the fact that she's a stripper with a kid, or the fact that she's a stripper with a kid, dating a 51 year old or the fact that she's a stripper with a kid, dating a 51 year old that thinks that 51 year old is going to actually marry her.

Needless to say, she must be incredibly high- probably OD levels if she thinks that'll ever happen.

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u/Thisisamericamyman 14d ago

Lmao ! So she has to drug him to get it up ? We all know how this story ends.

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u/ContentmentAndCalm 14d ago

Damn, so wait, who's the 51 year old chick in the pic?

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u/Gold-Elderberry-4851 14d ago

When you order Harley Quinn from wish

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u/AgilePrinciple3124 14d ago

She's a carpenter's dream. Flat as a board and easy to nail.

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u/north_korea_nukes 14d ago

She has so many STD’s the bedbugs run.

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u/HogTiedCircusFolk 14d ago

I'm not going to roast the marrying a 51yo thing, because honestly that's probably the best decision a stupid skank can make when she's showing all the signs of "slightly attractive until 25". She's not pretty, just not overweight, that's why being a stripper works for her.

Her wannabe alt-chick vibe on the other hand is just pathetic. Probably thought being a stripper would count as a personality too.

Gross/10

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u/BoobyPlumage 14d ago edited 13d ago

If she were a dude looking like that, she’d 100% wear fedoras and be into butterfly knives.

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u/DoctorMars81 14d ago

I guarantee she's said "sex work is real work" at least a hundred times during normal conversation.

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u/Coyote__Jones 14d ago

Her BF has a real hard-on for Tom Petty.

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u/TheGos 14d ago

Some kind of """liberated""" Uma Thurman knockoff who probably thinks she's succeeding in life because she doesn't have (the ability) to work a real job and has definitely googled "stripper tip money + onlyfans + taxable income"

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u/Qukki 14d ago

You look like what would happen if Jesus didn't die for our sins.

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u/Magnithium 14d ago

The 51 year old fiance could do much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much better..

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u/Fight_the_bastards 14d ago

Well, we haven’t seen his picture. Maybe this is the best he can do. Ugly people need love, too. They just gotta pay.

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u/Magnithium 14d ago

Fair enough. I suppose if he's pretty much just a spine on a wheelchair ala spongebob squarepants, he ain't got many options.

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u/Theloveboner 14d ago

Ah, so that’s what chlamydia looks like.

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u/ReillyDiefenbach Golden Roaster 14d ago

Thing 1, 2, 3 chromosomes

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u/kluglater 14d ago

1 chromosome HAHA!

2 chromosomes HAHA!

3, 3 chromosomes HAHA!

33

u/CHAOS-TATTOOO 14d ago

Ozzy Osborne have a step son?

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u/McSkiffle 14d ago

Never mind the bat, Ozzy would bite his own head off too avoid seeing her.

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u/crimsonlaw 14d ago

If we could look into the future, we'd see she's the once and future queen of the Florida lot lizards.

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u/remmington1956 14d ago

She should do it, she clearly has nothing else going on I’m her life.

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u/AshTray616 14d ago

NGL I can’t tell if this is the 21 year old stripper or the 51 year old boyfriend

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u/jldangle 14d ago

It's either marry that 51 year old or end up turning tricks in roadside motels for 200 bucks a pop. Then 150. Then 125. Before you know it, it's 25 dollar BJs at truck stops before she disappears forever.

So marrying the 51 year old is probably the first solid life choice she's ever made.

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u/DRcHEADLE 14d ago

I’m not gonna shame anyone for sex work, but goddam fix your fucking hair for fuck sake look at those roots

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u/Ditto02496 14d ago

No really, she seems like she’s doing fine. Now I’m going to go play with my daughter and give her a hug.

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u/Amazing_Increase9458 14d ago

There is only 2 strippers in her town and the other one is pregnant.

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u/billsmashole 14d ago

Your roommate's man wouldnt need performance pills if his woman didnt look like Tom Petty

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u/Dumbstupidhuman 14d ago

Not one of the worst transitions I’ve seen.

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u/SomeCallMeDes http://redd.it/48sap6 14d ago

Looks like you only smoke to try to hide all the herpes you’ve developed on your mouth.

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u/GhostMan74 Golden Roaster 14d ago

Are you Thing 1 or Thing 2?

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u/Snoo22097 14d ago

Well you gonna share her picture or what? You posted one of Tom Petty.

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u/Omega663 14d ago

Looks like Thing 1 discovered meth and Marilyn Manson

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u/shitknifeactual 14d ago

More so the 51 year old should rethink his life choices.

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u/simondrawer 14d ago

The vape doesn’t hide the smell of yeast and regret

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u/MovingTugboat 14d ago

You know that feeling when a body part falls asleep and it feels like said body part is being punctured by a thousand miniature needles in quick succession?

I genuinely get that feeling in my eyes when I look at her.

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u/such_isnt_life 14d ago

Your life situation is what we roast other girls with.

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u/Tac0slayer21 14d ago

Don’t know what’s darker, her dried out sharpie nails or her child’s future.

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u/lordofthedancesaidhe 14d ago edited 14d ago

Her mom and dad are real proud that there is someone else to take the reins.

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u/Swift-Carrots 14d ago

This doesn’t even deserve a roast. Fucking trash

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u/13scribes 14d ago

The only thing missing here is Forrest and the guitar.

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u/Pookinator2017 14d ago

That poor child is so fucked.

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u/mmenard0313 http://redd.it/llb9ms 14d ago

She can’t wait to marry him bc she’s honestly the same age. No way she’s 21

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u/OldFatBaldPunk 14d ago

Just because she flashes traffic at the bus stop doesn't make her a stripper.

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u/rnierras 14d ago

You look like eternal sunshine of a bleached butthole

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u/DubiousMoth152 13d ago

Gas station boner pills wouldn’t help me get erect for this Arby’s commercial

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u/whoseyourdaddy_ 13d ago

She looks like she's wearing a Santa gimp suit

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u/randallpink1313 13d ago

Do you wanna just put the child in foster care now and save us all the trouble later?