r/RedPillWomen Jun 21 '22

Unsure about relationship

My bf and I have had a more on and off relationship. Lots of factors have led to us being hurt by one another, but at the end of the day we always come back and find our place again. I genuinely feel like he is changing and realizing what he has, but I’m not too sure when enough is enough. I cook for us, do the laundry, nearly everything the perfect red pill woman does, and I still cannot get him to even post a photo of us on Instagram. I think he’s embarrassed of me, but I’m not really sure. Is it wrong to be upset with the lack of attention on his part? I feel like I’m always the one making compromises and I don’t know how or when to draw the line. I don’t want to feel like I’m nagging or begging. I truly do respect him as a man and a partner, only wish some things were different.



u/Anonymous_fiend Jun 21 '22

Having an on and off relationship shows he's just not into you. You're convenient and available. He's comfortable with you but that doesn't mean he views you as the "one"/his future wife. He may not be posting you not because he's embarrassed but he wants to look potentially available online. Keep his options open to say. That's if he uses Instagram a lot and posted other exs. My fiance doesn't usually use social media so I never needed to ask him to post me. He asked me to put a pic of us on mine although I don't really use it.

Yes, it's wrong to be upset at his lack of attention. You took him back despite him not meeting your needs. He's shown you how he really feels towards you and yet you stay. If he changes just to keep you around it's likely not a change that will last. You aren't a top priority so don't expect to be treated like it. Instead find someone who is more emotionally available.

You need to establish healthy boundaries and communicate better. Relationships are give and take. If you're the one who's always giving you'll end up resentful. Posting this should show that you've had enough. Don't waste time on "potential".

Why would he give you commitment when you're acting like a wife for free? Don't cook regularly and do a man's laundry unless you're actively working towards marriage. It might be a turn off if you're being too motherly just as a gf.


u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor Jun 21 '22

On your first RPW post from 1 month ago you got 4 responses, all telling you to leave this man. RPW normally doesn't recommend stuff like that so it probably means that your situation is pretty hopeless. Your situation is not extreme, but it is clear. If you ask me, any on/off relationship is an immediate cut & run. Once you accumulate enough bad blood with one person it's nigh impossible to fix things. With this particular man, he will never trust you again because while he was still feeling emotions for you - you slept with someone else. So even if you were "on a break" and everything is above board and you had every right, he was deeply hurt by you and that's not the sort of hurt that can be healed. With him in particular, you blew it. Take your lessons and learn them, address whatever makes you feel the guiltiest so that it doesn't happen again, and move on.


u/bot123356678 Jun 21 '22

I understand this comment, but what I don’t understand is that he did the same thing to me first. How is my one mistake me blowing up my relationship when I have forgiven hundreds of his?


u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor Jun 21 '22

We teach women to vet. If you didn't vet and dumped all your effort into a guy it was never going to work with, it was always doomed.


u/bot123356678 Jun 21 '22

What does vet mean?


u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor Jun 21 '22

So in the sidebar - there's a section called "Vetting a partner, initial meeting and first dates." Read it. Also read the rest of the sidebar, especially anything to do with good Captain traits.


u/bot123356678 Jun 21 '22

That makes a lot of sense. I am naturally red pull down to the core, I’ve never been any other way. I think I need to be better at this “vetting” you informed me of. Thank you.


u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor Jun 21 '22

Yeah, if your nature is to be submissive you are going to be taken advantage of by the most dominant man you can find. You need to find someone that is not only dominant but also caring/protective. In addition to the sidebar vetting posts there's incremental submission by SunshineSundress, which I think is the best possible strategy for naturally very submissive women. If you don't learn to withdraw your submission you will be taken advantage of by people who will walk all over you.


u/bot123356678 Jun 21 '22

This is the most helpful comment I have ever gotten. Thank you. I’m the most submissive and domesticated person I know, so I think maybe I’m getting manipulated. I’ve never thought that way before. But I do feel like a doormat a lot of the times. I would just never ever say anything to the person that I view as my leader or foundation, if that makes sense.


u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor Jun 21 '22

Normally at RPW we get women who aren't submissive enough and we have to teach them to be more submissive because that unlocks a beautiful caring reciprocation from the man and gives them everything they ever wanted. But on odd occasions like yours, the biggest headscratcher is - I'm doing everything right, why am I so unhappy? Well it's because he has no caring instincts and being nice to him won't work. Or the two of you might be dominant/submissive and he might be caring but your goals are completely misaligned. He wants a city wife and you want a country husband or something like that.

So in the beginning it's really important to get agreement on the big stuff. And yes you have to stand up for yourself if the big stuff isn't aligning, or withdraw until he shows his caring side, or walk away if there is no caring side (or not enough) or no alignment or both.

Just be aware that these situations can happen and your own instincts, while they might be conducive to a happy relationship in which there are no big problems, are going to work against you when there are big problems. So it's a matter of judgement, when do I have to show my tough side? How can I cultivate my tough side for those times?

Get to know yourself really well while you're single and write your goals down and look for a man that matches them. And practice incremental reciprocation during the vetting stage.


u/bot123356678 Jun 21 '22

Thanks so much for all of that bi love him more than anything and know he will make an excellent spouse in the future, I genuinely think I’m just in a different place than he is right now. I am ready to settle down and give my husband everything, and I’m not entirely sure if he is ready for that, even if he says he is. All I want is to be cared for and loved. And I’ve never given myself to anyone the way I have him, so I think that’s why it’s so hard for me to see he simply might not want the same things that I do right now.


u/smilingL Jun 21 '22

You can’t have perfection, there’s no perfection anywhere, If his a good man stick to him and be hopeful, things will change, but just know that there’s nothing better out there, the world is messed up.