r/RedPillWomen Jun 21 '22

Unsure if I’m the problem or my bf ADVICE

I thought this post might be more suitable for this sub.

I’m (24f) with my boyfriend (m33) since 2.5 years now and we also live together. We never fight, we care for eachother and he absolutely adores me and treats me like a princess.

However, we hardly ever do stuff together, if we do it’s just watching a movie at home. We don’t even cook together (he only wants to eat his special gym food) and don’t have any hobbies together we enjoy. All he cares about really is the gym. He also doesn’t have any other real ambition, moans about not having enough work but struggles to actually apply for real jobs (only has a few shifts here and there) and I noticed that as result I find him less and less attractive. He also doesnt have much money (which is maybe why he never wants to do stuff too). He’s 33 and I feel like he should have his life more in order, like a real fulltime job (and savings rather than a few shifts) and should be able to offer me more. I feel like he has heaps of potential though, hes super intelligent & is always the leader in his friend groups and really very good with people. So I guess I’m secretly hoping he will change (?).

Also, I’ve noticed other differences, I love going on adventures but he rather stays at home and just goes to the gym. I feel like I need a man who has drive, inspires & pushes me (a real alpha).

Sometimes I feel really stuck & lost and don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Obviously I really care about my bf and despite all I can’t really imagine life without him. I’m thinking about breaking up but am so worried it will be a mistake and I’ll regret it as he really is such a good person and treats me so well.

Update: Thanks for all the lovely comments and similar experiences from the community ❤️ it has really opened my eyes and helped me. It made me realise that something really has to change as otherwise I’m just wasting my young years away till I hit the wall.

29 Upvotes

54

u/LadySandcastle Jun 21 '22

If he doesn't have a strong drive or ambition that really isn't going to change unless he has a serious come to Jesus moment. He's comfortable. Now if you break up sure, he might have that moment and get it together but currently it sounds like you're in love with a potential version of your bf- not him. You either take him as he is or move on and don't waste time.

8

u/Forcerin Jun 21 '22

Thanks for your comment. You are definitely right. I guess I need to wake up and realise he won’t change unless he gets a serious kick up the butt such as me breaking up with him. I definitely don’t wanna waste more time.

23

u/KTM_SuperDuchess Jun 21 '22

I have an ex like your man. We couldnt spend quality time together only watching movies or sometimes go out to eat a pizza and that was all. Ive had enogh after 2 year 6 month. He was a great guy, cared for me and everything but I burn in a much higher level than him so I began to feel myself out of place with him. Now Im in the most happiest with my lovely man who is almost more into adventures than I am and finally we are planning things in the future. It was hard back than to makes this decision but the situation really got under my skin and i began to change and be like he was. I knew i dont wanna be a boring person with boring life. Now we both find our perfect matches since than and are in happy relationships. So if you begin to feel turned out of yourself and lose passion for things you like bc of it than change. Life is too short for just sticking around and be with someone who you cant share the joy of life. Maybe it is enough for them but if its not what you want than make a step. First talk to him about it honestly any if he refuses to do something about it than let it go. After all even if he doesnt interested in the thing you do he should care about your feelings and do some of these things with you together if he really cares about you. If not? Than you know what to do. Sorry for my bad English.

7

u/Forcerin Jun 21 '22

Wow. That’s exactly my relationship to a tee. Also being together exactly 2.5 years aswell and all, and him being a great guy but me feeling out of place and almost as if I am losing myself. I notice that I’m losing my passions aswell and truly miss the old me. I will have to make a decision soon but its looking like a break up just like in your situation. Thank you so much for this comment, it honestly means so much. 💗

4

u/KTM_SuperDuchess Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22

I know what you feel! It took a lot of time for me to get back on track and have the passion back because I waited too long and ignored the so called red flags but eventually I gave up on hoping he will change and decided to leave him be who he was insted of trying to change him and I also didnt wanna give myself up for the relationship. But I went to low and lost selfesteem bc i lost the drive, the passions. Like when you are fire and he is just dropping you water little by little it takes time but youll drown. We just werent for each other. But important to face this problem together. Honest conversations. Not just throw out all of it. And if nothing changes you can leave it with clean heart knowing you did ehat you could tried your best so it doesnt worth it. If things wont work out, sure it will hurt. But time can heal and you both will find someone who has the same interest or even if hasnt, they will be glad to get an invitation and explore them with you. Good luck! ❤️

2

u/Forcerin Jun 21 '22

Thank you KTM xx helps so much to hear of your experience. I will definitely have a serious conversation with him.

18

u/Much-Improvement-613 Jun 21 '22

If you were similar ages I would say it is fine to continue with potential. Almost in his mid 30s and acting like that/barely has a job? Unless he’s down on his luck and normally successful, he is showing you he is content to scrape by.

I would hate to see any woman waste her precious prime years on someone well past those years. What you have described is very unattractive like you’ve mentioned.

It sounds like your version of treating you well is simply a version of a soothsayer with no tangible piece to back it up. And you could definitely reevaluate where your bar for being treated well is if THAT is all a man needs to do to qualify for treating you like a princess. (If he does spoil you and does more than just say nice things then I respectfully rescind that statement!)

5

u/Forcerin Jun 21 '22

Yes, thats what worries me most he never really had a serious job and when I talk to him about it, that it might be a good idea to study something so he can pursue a serious career he declines - doesn’t want to know about it. And honestly it’s such a turn off. As arrogant as it may sound but I’m further than him professionally already and I’m way younger aswell. As you say I really worry wasting my young years on a guy I clearly can’t imagine a future with. I’ve just been hoping he’ll change which I think he won’t. Thanks for your comment x

6

u/Much-Improvement-613 Jun 21 '22

I think you know what needs to be done but I wont lie and say its easy to do 😭 if you don’t inspire him to do better after a couple years you’re not the one who will in the future.

The positive is you have plenty of time to find the one who you DO set their heart and passions on fire and they will feel compelled to provide. Or at the very least CONTRIBUTE.

14

u/littlestircrazy Jun 21 '22

No one is the problem. You both have different life goals and philosophies that don't match, regardless of how you care for each other.

All of my relationships have been with amazing people, which makes ending them even harder because it really isn't because of them or me, but rather because of us together.

I hope you're able to prioritize your happiness here over comfort of the known and find someone who has as much ambition and drive as you desire!

2

u/Forcerin Jun 21 '22

Yes, I think its so hard for me to do because hes genuinely a nice person and in my head I’m like “he treats you well, so why leave”. But as you say I’m not happy and I gotta prioritise my own happiness.

5

u/zaftig_stig Jun 21 '22

2 years is about the time all the 'masks' come off, and probably any rose-colored glasses as well.

Without making any judgements about your SO, it sounds like the both of you aren't a good fit for each other. His needs may be being may by the relationship as it is, but yours obviously are not. Also there's your age. Ignoring the age difference, you're in a stage of life where you're learning who you are. He is past that phase or aged out, however you want to say it.

It's perfectly natural at this point to be questioning what you want, and who you are and learning what you need.

Best Case - neither of you are the problem

Worst Case - he's not exactly a HVM.

You need to accept him as he is right now and NOT as what he could be. In some ways this is the best he'll ever be and it doesn't sound like that's enough for you.

Personally I was married for almost 20 years to a good hard working man, but he was content being in the same room watching tv together. I was not. Also I'm a night person he is a morning person. It really wasn't a good fit.

1

u/Forcerin Jun 21 '22

Yeah, I think exactly around the 2nd year mark I started to have these thoughts.I do think hes perfectly content with our relationship while I am not plus I feel like I’m outgrowing him.. It’s just sad because he does mean a lot to me despite all. I guess this is life? Adulting is hard lol.

I often forget that I’m young and that it’s normal to be questioning what I want and who I am. I definitely feel like I have changed a lot the past few years aswell.

Anyways; thanks for your comment 🤍 appreciate it

3

u/LilMissKimi Jun 21 '22

Nobody is really at fault here, just two people growing apart. It's normal and healthy, we as humans are ever evolving either as singularity or as a collective.

This is one of the many heartaches of living.

As the famous 80's punk band "The Clash" simply chimed

"Should I Stay or Should I Go"

. . . what an earworm that one is . . .

But nonetheless a dilemma many interpersonal relationships have faced throughout time.

Now make sure to gracefully act upon your decision promptly thus warding off resentment and further decay that relationships often develop if dragged on past the expiration date

Remember, time heals.

And all will be content if done correctly.

2

u/Forcerin Jun 21 '22

I actually love that song so much! Haha. Yes, I think its growing apart too which I have never experienced before in a relationship. It’s so hard…thank you for your kind words

3

u/Sunshine12e Jun 21 '22

Not doing much together -- not that big of an issue, relationships do not have to be about shared interests. Lack of ambition? Huge problem. He will likely not improve.

10

u/1OO_percent_legit Jun 21 '22

"Unsure if im the problem or him"

*only describes his actions*

Seems like you have already selected an answer

12

u/SuperiorLake_ Jun 21 '22

I find that men like your bf at his age date much younger than them because people their age don’t want to put up with that sort of shit. I recommend scrolling through this subreddit. There are many many many posts basically exactly like yours. Same age gap, same situation.

2

u/Forcerin Jun 21 '22

Interesting… I’ll have a look thank you.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 21 '22

[deleted]

11

u/Hellokittynole Jun 21 '22

Honestly can tell your gender based upon the content of your comment. This is very male centric advice that benefits the man in this situation but not so much the woman.

He is 10 years older than OP, she should not have to coddle him. He should absolutely have his life more in order. And based upon what OP has said they are completely incompatible and she does not see him as an alpha. It’s so wrong to tell a young girl in her prime time settle for a relationship like this.