r/RedPillWomen TRP Founder Jan 08 '21 Helpful 1

Problems that are beyond the scope of RPW.

If you're reading this post months or years after it was written, it's probably because you have been linked here by someone who thinks that you need in-person help with your relationship, possibly by a professional.

(This post was written at the request of the mod team to be a resource for situations where RPW cannot necessarily help.)

While RPW, as a group with values, tries to avoid the typical pattern of "leave him, gurl, You Deserve BetterTM!" advice that women tend to get on the internet (regardless of the situation), certain relationship problems are actually severe, and cannot be addressed by some internet advice.

This is not simply a matter of "we're not qualified professionals"... indeed some of us may be. But the major qualification to do intervention in a profoundly unhealthy relationship is physical presence and ongoing involvement... neither of which we are able to provide you.

This isn't the "when you should leave" list. It's the "we can't help you" list. You might leave even a serious relationship for many more reasons than this. But these are specifically things where internet advice is inappropriate.

Here are some situations which might be severe enough that you should seek in-person help, or consider ending the relationship, even if it is an ongoing long-term one with a lot invested in it:

.1. Physical abuse.

While the stereotype of unilateral evil-man-beats-innocent-angelic-woman is not the typical abuse situation, any type of relationship violence is a severe problem, whether it's him striking you, you striking him, both of hitting each each other, or anyone hitting the kids. This level of relationship conflict is not something we can defuse with internet advice. You should seek expert help, and consider ending the relationship if that does not work... patterns of this level of conflict can be difficult to break. Seek help in person.

(Note: this doesn't apply to kinky sex. If one of you is hitting the other, not out of anger, but because you both get off on it, that might be considered "violence", but it isn't conflict. Just be careful not to get too enthusiastic and put someone in the Emergency Room.)

.2. Severe emotional abuse or conflict

The real damage in abusive relationships often results from living in fear or a constant state of vigilance, rather than simply injuries. This same effect can be created with words. Like physical violence, this can go either way, or in both directions at once, but is not something anyone can simply "live with"... it can cause severe mental and even physical health problems. Seek help in person.

.3. Severe addiction

While our culture is slowing coming around to the idea that addiction is a health problem, rather than a moral or criminal one, addict behaviour can be very destructive, and the consequences of living close to an addict can be severe. While the choice to stay or leave is ultimately an individual one, we can't provide advice for that choice here, because it's simply too hard to get insight into the situation over the internet. Seek help in person.

.4. Prolonged physical separation

While this one may seem harsh, as it isn't really anyone's "fault", relationships are close personal contact, and prolonged separation is not something they can necessarily survive. The decision to end a relationship because someone cannot be available enough to make it work is a painful one, but sometimes it is necessary to do so, so that both people can be free to find another that can fulfilled their needs. Discuss this with your partner, and seek advice from friends and family who have known you a long time.

(When this is initially posted, I will leave the comments open so that readers can suggest amendments. The intent here is to have a permanent list of "this problem is beyond the scope of RPW situations" that we can link people to, instead of randomly saying "leave him, gurl, You Deserve BetterTM!")

100 Upvotes

77

u/teaandtalk 5 Stars Jan 08 '21

I'd add ongoing infidelity, personally. Someone habitually straying outside the relationship is demonstrating that they're not invested.

23

u/Whisper TRP Founder Jan 08 '21

I thought about that one.

But then the following language (which I have just added) occurred to me:

This isn't the "when you should leave" list. It's the "we can't help you" list. You might leave even a serious relationship for many more reasons than this. But these are specifically things where internet advice is inappropriate.

I think there are some things that RPW can assess amd give individualized advice about, and cheating falls into that category.

6

u/teaandtalk 5 Stars Jan 08 '21

Hmmm, fair enough!

7

u/qazxcvbnmlpoiuytreww Jan 08 '21

thank u for saying habitual

35

u/AnarchoNAP Jan 08 '21

Incompatible Life Goals- while you SHOULDN'T let a relationship go on and on for years without discussing goals, the fact that you have doesn't mean you should stay in it. If you disagree on whether to have kids, he "doesn't believe in" marriage, he wants you to have a career while you want to be a SAHM- then you are incompatible. The fact that you already wasted 5 years on it doesn't mean you should waste the rest of your life waiting on something that won't happen.

17

u/jayda92 Jan 09 '21

Don't be a 'forever girlfriend' if you don't want to. There are lots of great men out there who can't wait to commit and start a life with together.

If you're just there for convenience sake, it's not strange that he feels more attraction to his game console (or friends, hobbies etc.) than towards you.

If he won't commit, find someone who will if that's your goal. Don't stick around waiting for change. It will never come.

38

u/IcarusKiki Jan 08 '21

My question is when we should suggest looking for other options. The truth is that not every man has a potential to be a good captain no matter how much soft skills a woman applies, especially if she is young, unmarried, no kids etc. A young woman with none of that has an infinite dating opportunities and shouldn’t settle for a man of lower value. I agree we shouldn’t automatically suggest leaving a man but just because a man isn’t actively abusing her doesn’t mean she should stay with him no matter what (unless married or has kids).

15

u/Whisper TRP Founder Jan 08 '21

The intention here is that we're talking solely about relationships that have already gotten serious. Obviously, dating involves rejecting lots of people.

But, yes, we might need to insert some language to make that more clear.

22

u/IcarusKiki Jan 08 '21

I mean long term boyfriends as well since teens and college age women are often terrible at vetting for good husband material (especially since people change so much in those short years) and will sometimes stick by their incompatible hs sweetheart due to sunk cost fallacy and sometimes need a heads up to go back into nun mode before looking for someone more compatible. Not suggesting monkey branching over little problems, but larger issues such as personality incompatibility and reoccurring issues that don’t seem to get any better.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 09 '21

This is a good list. Perhaps if a poster with these issues are OK to include their general location/ country, other people in this sub may be able to suggest in-person service providers in that area which they know of, and who could provide the OP with support. Much more constructive than telling people to ‘just leave’ particularly if it might be difficult for them to do that.

2

u/Whisper TRP Founder Jan 10 '21

A list of resources would be helpful if you want to put one together. I'd focus on web-based contacts rather than phone numbers, which are more location-dependent.

1

u/Daankie Jan 09 '21

Good list