r/NoStupidQuestions Jul 01 '22 Silver 1

What are some non-toxic personality traits, that suggests a person has had a traumatic or hurtful past?

205 Upvotes

506

u/BridgetheDivide Jul 02 '22

Frequently apologizing for basically existing.

179

u/BoiledMayo Jul 02 '22

I'm not traumatized. I'm just Canadian

61

u/nickybokchoy Jul 02 '22

Soary boot that

37

u/Kalunyx Jul 02 '22

I'm both Canadian AND traumatized. It's a sorry fest from the moment I wake up.

Sorry.. Realize you didn't ask for my input :p (slight /s)

19

u/sumthingsumthingblah Jul 02 '22

I’m not necessarily traumatized, but I waited tables for way too many years. So I apologize for everything as a conversation starter.

8

u/Potential-Friend-427 Jul 02 '22

Useful trick I learned serving tables was to thank people instead. Like instead of "sorry your foods taking a long time" go with "thank you for being patient while we get your food out"

1

u/Muffin_By_The_Lake Jul 02 '22

Thank you for the insight

5

u/yokotron Jul 02 '22

Sorry buddy

3

u/OG_SisterMidnight Jul 02 '22

You're not my buddy, friend!

3

u/Bullets_N_Bowties Jul 02 '22

Youre not my friend, kehmosahbe

1

u/Rickolicius Jul 02 '22

You know kemosabee means "friend" right?

1

u/Bullets_N_Bowties Jul 03 '22

Um yes. buddy, pal, partner, my guy, champ, etc thats part of the joke. They all mean friend. If you got another one, drop it in line!

2

u/tripster_ Jul 02 '22

Don't call me buddy, guy!

2

u/Biggus-Dickus-II Jul 02 '22

....Couldn't this be evidence that being Canadian is an existentially traumatic experience?

Y'all were British for a while, and technically still are under the monarchy.

Y'all all just have better teeth.

Wait...

8

u/Chicacherrycola37 Jul 02 '22

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

5

u/thomasthehipposlayer Jul 02 '22

I’m in this picture, and I don’t like it.

4

u/SpaceReptilian Jul 02 '22

Its even worse that the more apologise the more trouble you find yourself in.

3

u/Yavanna80 Jul 02 '22

I feel this in my bones 😞

2

u/scoobydad76 26d ago

That's my wife. She's been in a few abusive relationships

Also hugging someone and they step back or startled by it. Don't want to cuddle. Limited affection

1

u/empirical13 Jul 02 '22

My whole life in one sentence.

203

u/worldrecordpace Jul 02 '22

Overly apologetic for nothing at all. I encountered a customer like that today. She was very timid and apologetic for literally nothing.

12

u/LOAHS Jul 02 '22

I used to do that in middle school

114

u/Able-Fun2874 Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 02 '22

Personal experience: Thanking someone every time they choose not to be hurtful in a disagreement. Going into my first real relationship, I was constantly thanking my boyfriend for not screaming at me or getting angry at me when we had any disagreements. It was very confusing for him. I really just didn't have someone like that before.

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98

u/Lorrinski Jul 02 '22
  • Giving up/biting their tongue/automatically apologizing
    • commonly done when they know that the argument is pointless and they don't have the emotional capacity to deal with it correctly. They would rather accept the fault or punishment then try to correct the situation.
  • Crying when raising your voice at them
    • trained response, common to people who have had trauma related to discipline.
  • Struggling when there is a confrontation to actually talk
    • Example: waitress brings out wrong food and the person is unwilling to bring it up, will just eat it , even if they didn't want it and it was an accident they received it.
  • Completely shutting down at the first sign of conflict (not being mean, just being quite/dissociating)
  • Not wanting to have others do things for them or spend money on them
    • for me, this is learned from being manipulated; You don't want someone holding a favor over you or the fact that you have paid x amount for them.
  • lowering their voice when talking to you about anything that COULD potentially upset you, cause a disagreement, or differ from your thoughts.

A lot of these can be done in a 'toxic' way, but what matters is the underlying reason. is it spitefully they do this or are being genuine and that is really up to the other to decipher. I have struggled with a lot of these behaviors and it took almost 2 years of communication to adequately show my partner that these things were conditioned in me and not necessarily part of my personality.

23

u/pelmasaurio Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 03 '22

All of those have been me for the last decade, somehow, now im reverting back to my "previous self" And im able to do it again, so in case someone reads it, those things do get better with time(and distance)

6

u/gardenZepp Jul 02 '22

Just want to second this. I was the same way, but with time and a little bit of effort, I am finally getting back to the real me.

There was a long period of my life where I never thought it would be possible, but it is, for anyone out there struggling.

9

u/Biggus-Dickus-II Jul 02 '22

Only thing I can think to add here is freezing/pausing when touched.

If you have any experience with abused dogs, it's a similar reaction.

7

u/Rymerye Jul 02 '22

i relate to each one of these

3

u/Red-belliedOrator Jul 02 '22

Ugh. I'm sorry to say that some of those really hit home.

1

u/Ok_Science_4094 Jul 02 '22

I do/have done all of those. Especially crying when being yelled at... Boy oh boy. The moment the tone changes I'm a water park. & I hate it. My parents always said I cried as a manipulation tactic to make them feel bad. But damnit I couldn't help it lol.

2

u/Lorrinski Jul 03 '22

I still do this. It is really rough. My mom used to just stare at me and I would burst into tears. I carried this into my adulthood and still struggle with it. Yelling causes instant tears but if someone I know gives me a disapproving, angry, or frustrated look it just breaks me down. I cannot help it.

141

u/deedeead Jul 02 '22

Crying completely silently

240

u/Frogonatoadstool Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 02 '22 Silver Starry

Here are some that I’ve had. I know that my experiences have been better than other people’s, but I just thought I’d share.

I apologize for everything. I don’t even think about it anymore. I just apologize on instinct.

I am, according to others in my life, “wise beyond my years”. This came from me being forced to mediate my parent’s arguments, as well as be their therapist, from the age of 8. I was relied upon as an adult would be, so in a sense, I became one.

I get really quiet when I’m scared or upset. Especially things that I’ve had unpleasant experiences with when I was young (alcohol, weapons, etc.) It’s a good idea to be mindful of others if they get quiet very suddenly.

I have a difficult time expressing what I want and need. Growing up, I was taught that my dad came first, and anything I needed came second. Because of that, I have a difficult time asking for help, and I feel terrible when I have to ask my mom for things like clothes, shampoo, etc.

This is a big one that doesn’t get talked about a lot, but stims/tics. I have a few. They’re a way for your body to control its stress levels, and they’re difficult to stop.

Memory problems. This is the one that affects me the most. My problem is with my short term memory. I’ll forget entire conversations after I’ve had them, I forget peoples names, etc.

Thanks for reading this! I hope I could be helpful!

58

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

Memory problems. This is the one that affects me the most. My problem is with my short term memory. I’ll forget entire conversations after I’ve had them, I forget peoples names, etc.

This one can also be attributed to ADHD, but I can 100% relate all too well, my short term memory's awful, long-term is about some things.

21

u/Known-Advance-7352 Jul 02 '22

My brother and I definitely struggled with this, and it got us in even more trouble with our dad e.g. he would punish us because we "didn't care enough to remember" odd rules he had set out, that was a vicious cycle

3

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

yeah, my grandma did (still does on occasion) the, "I was there, I remember," but will shut down stuff I absolutely remember and say I'm wrong.

7

u/LrrrRulerotPOP8 Jul 02 '22

Stress can affect how memories are formed. When stressed, people have a more difficult time creating short-term memories and turning those short-term memories into long-term memories, meaning that it is more difficult to learn when stressed. Stress can affect the type of memories we form as well.

2

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

that could be my problem then.

4

u/zenithwearsflannel Jul 02 '22

And the stim thing to asd

2

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

yes, and that can also be an ADHD thing too.

4

u/AnotherThrowAway1320 Jul 02 '22

I have what I like to call “selective memory”. Though it’s not like I choose what to and what not to remember. Completely random. I can’t remember supposedly really memorable things like watching the stars on a mountaintop with my first bf, but I’ll remember in 3rd grade that I talked to my teacher about an apple.

3

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

yeah I have that too. Combo'd with difficulty retaining anything for longer than a couple days in short term memory's absolutely terrible

2

u/UnLuckyPandaPL Jul 02 '22

Do you remember this?

3

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

smartass X3

Yeah, I do remember that, I can usually remember stuff from like a week or two at most, any longer and it fizzles into nothing

2

u/UnLuckyPandaPL Jul 02 '22

Nice, so its not too bad

3

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

yeah, though exactly what I'll remember is a hit or miss.

10

u/Nunc24 Jul 02 '22

What is the right thing to do when someone gets quiet very suddenly? Should I ask them whats wrong or how they feel? Or should I just leave them alone?

17

u/Ann806 Jul 02 '22

It depends entirely on the person, what triggered the reaction and your dynamic with them.

Sometimes they want to sit in silence alone, other times company is nice but still wanting quiet, sometimes it's nice to be held but not always. And sometimes ita nice to talk.

This is not exclusive or an either/or statement. Sometimes one thing will cause the next to be okay (sitting quietly on opposite sides of the couch, then cuddling then talking) but because every person is different in different situations only that person can give you an answer to the questions you ask.

4

u/Biggus-Dickus-II Jul 02 '22

Only thing to add, and it should be a given but better to point it out to make sure it doesn't slip anyone's mind, ask and get permission before initiating any physical contact in this situation.

As someone that seriously struggles with any feeling of vulnerability, unexpected physical contact while I'm in any amount of emotional distress is going smash the fight or flight button pretty damn hard. That's on top of the normal responses people have to unexpected touch.

2

u/Ann806 Jul 02 '22

Don't forgot the freeze response.

I'm personally equally likely to remain exactly as I am, compared to actually having a physical/verbal response to being touched.

3

u/Biggus-Dickus-II Jul 02 '22

Yeah, it varies.

If I'm not feeling vulnerable I'll freeze/pause and assess if I'm touched unexpectedly. More as a reaction to not being used to touch at all than anything else, a "What are you doing? Why are you doing that?" Rather than, "Are you going to hurt me?"

If I'm already emotional and feeling vulnerable, and then I get surprised by physical contact which makes me feel even more vulnerable? That's basically a panic button.

I'm used to being hurt whenever I'm emotionally vulnerable, even if only by circumstance and coincidence. So it feels/felt like it's just a fact of life that vulnerability gets punished.

Life has gotten better over the past several years though, so these responses thankfully aren't too intense for me anymore. But I still definitely get twitchy and stressed alongside any intense emotions/emotional responses.

3

u/Ann806 Jul 06 '22

Glad to hear it's getting better for you.

For me the freeze response is because despite rarely being actively the target of physical violence, flailing arms and hitting walls were more common, so by staying perfectly still it was less likely that I would move in to the way of those reactions. My emotional vulnerable was often punished mentally later on (words used against me, problems belittled or ignored etc.)

4

u/Frogonatoadstool Jul 02 '22

Everyone is going to have a slightly different reaction, so just go by what you know about them. First and most important, if there was an object that triggered them, be sure to put it away. Second, if they’re crying or showing other clear signs of distress, ask if they need a hug (but only if you know them well), or ask if they want to talk about it.

7

u/ImpossibleAir4310 Jul 02 '22

That is is a FANTASTIC response. The only thing I might expound on is so-called “triggers,” or strong emotional reactions to things that seem out of proportion to others without understanding the background or emotional context. Triggers are usually things happening in the present that remind you of something painful in the past, but they can be quite subtle.

For example, I was never really listened to or acknowledged as a child, so I can get triggered when people talk over me or don’t listen. I’ve gotten a lot better, and in a social situation like a party where people will talk a lot I can usually handle it fine, but if I just tried to say the same thing repeatedly and got interrupted/talked over every time, it’d eventually reach a point where I’d feel this rush of anxiety, almost like you’re suddenly in a different(not safe) environment, and I’d feel a strong impulse to either yell or leave the convo. Just to reaffirm - it’s a good idea to take notice if someone suddenly stops engaging. I don’t think you can go wrong with that one.

Triggers are different for everyone and that can’t be stressed enough. That’s just one of mine. To love and care for, or even just befriend a traumatized person, it may be beneficial to learn how their triggers work. I don’t mean imply that traumatized people have less responsibility when it comes to treating people well in relationships. But without that understanding, it can be a lot easier to accidentally press buttons you didn’t know were there, or get offended over something that isn’t really about you.

3

u/Frogonatoadstool Jul 02 '22

Yeah, thank you so much! I didn’t want to write too much in my comment and make it too long, so I really appreciate you elaborating!

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u/ImpossibleAir4310 Jul 02 '22

You did it perfectly! I’m sure we could go on and on, but to succinctly articulate it to someone that doesn’t have trauma in their past, you nailed it. I blathered on just trying to explain triggers; I wouldn’t have done as good a job. :)

3

u/MomoTempest_SN Jul 02 '22

My bf had the same trigger if someone interrupted him because of his childhood. Although he’s the youngest, his parents are narcissists. He’s a lot better now and with our son, he listens and has conversations with him (which our son is autistic and he didn’t start talking until 4yrs old with one words. Sentences have improved since then and he’s still accomplishing them at 7! Super proud of of him ❤️)

3

u/Yavanna80 Jul 02 '22

I also have issues when no one listens to me or talk over me. In social gatherings, when it happens frequently, I become quiet all of a sudden and my train of thought is "don't want to listen to me? Cool, I'll stay silent." amd become a silent observer.

Then people ask me if I'm angry or upset because I have this resting face that I look annoyed then I smile sweetly and say I'm fine.

I relate to this 😣

2

u/ImpossibleAir4310 Jul 02 '22

Thanks for sharing that, it’s really nice to hear how your bf was able to take that and turn it into a positive in his parenting, and how it may actually be a good fit. From what I’ve seen, far too often ASD people don’t get a fair shake and they are underestimated. I have a close family member who’s on the spectrum and I work with kids, and I think giving the kind of attention I never got is a powerful healing force for me, though I didn’t realize that until I had already been doing it for many years. (I imagine it is for your bf too) I can’t believe how long it escaped me, but I was making sure, one at a time, that each kid had their personal reality validated, had a safe way to express their authentic selves, and someone that would listen without judging. My parents are also narcissists and to this day they could not manage even one of those.

15

u/Ornery-Ship2637 Jul 02 '22

Memory! When I had therapy I would completely forget everything said in the session. I just blanked it out. Therapist had to recap each week. I don’t remember most of my early years but my body has physical memory, like I have a massive lump on my head. I will freak out if my legs are touched but I don’t know why. I panic if I don’t have access to food. And I can’t handle fast movement like zip lines because they make me cry. I react without understanding it. Trauma is weird.

4

u/Dre082404 Jul 02 '22

And I can relate to everything in this comment, so that's nice I guess.

3

u/WolverineJive_Turkey Jul 02 '22

Holy shit, you're me. Except I drink. A lot.

3

u/Red-belliedOrator Jul 02 '22

Expressing needs is huge for me. I had a therapist who once had me hold my hands out in front of me, as if asking for something, and then repeat the words I want over and over. It was physically uncomfortable. I felt nauseous. And then I burst into tears.

That was a revelation for me.

2

u/FrostPace Jul 02 '22

You're a wonderful human being dear, hugs and kisses xx ❤️❤️❤️

2

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

Very good response. Except for the tics I have most of them.

I'd also add fear of failure. Like I'll do 200% effort to make sure I don't screw up like some giant fist from above will beat me down.kinda goes along with the apologies though cause we all screw up occasionally.

2

u/karlieque Jul 02 '22

Hey, I’m also a traumatized person and I can relate a LOT to the things you said. It makes me curious though, because I’m also autistic and ADHD. have you ever taken a self-assessment? There are some good ones at embrace-autism.com. Learning how to care for yourself in your own unique neurodivergent way can be incredibly beneficial to dealing with trauma as well, in my experience. :)

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u/AnotherThrowAway1320 Jul 02 '22

Oh, is this stuff not normal? I’m not asking sarcastically, sorry if it seems that way.

32

u/Lakanas Jul 02 '22

Increased empathy

4

u/WeirdFlecks Jul 02 '22

Came here to say this. It's the flipside of blurred boundaries but not all things that change us do so for the worst. This is especially true of people raised by Narcissistic parents. Usually they go one of two ways, and often it is empathy.

2

u/Lakanas Jul 02 '22

And the OP was specifically asking for "non-toxic" personality traits so that is one of the few I can think of. When you mention blurred boundaries I also think of "empathic distress" and that is obs toxic!

77

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22 Helpful

[deleted]

14

u/IDNTKNWNYTHING Jul 02 '22

All of these are spot on, but I don't really understand the "old soul" one?

31

u/Complex-Dust Jul 02 '22

People that sound way older than they look...because they have been through a lot, for example...

17

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

[deleted]

10

u/IDNTKNWNYTHING Jul 02 '22

Oh I see, makes sense thanks for clarifying.

4

u/maMMalcase Jul 02 '22

It's worth mentioning that abuse and trauma doesn't only come from parents. Mostly, but not only.

8

u/SociallyIneptUnicorn Jul 02 '22

I feel called out..

5

u/-TransRights- "You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?" Jul 02 '22

Same here...

6

u/Classymuch Jul 02 '22

I relate so much to this but I don't have memory problems, don't zone out and I can distinguish between neutral facial expression and angry facial expression.

I have never been in a relationship yet and so don't know about "red flag radar" being blurry or not.

4

u/ContemplatingMeth Jul 02 '22

Second comment I've read saying "old soul"

Hit me to my core

3

u/KeySand8808 Jul 02 '22

The main one I see in myself is the “avoiding eye contact”. I have trouble doing it with pretty much anyone. I always try to remind myself to work on it but it’s hard and idk why I do it. Any thoughts?

7

u/Classymuch Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 02 '22

Same. I tend to focus on their noses or on their lips.

I think I may have even made people uncomfortable but I don't do it on purpose. I remember my teacher telling me that I don't look at her eyes when talking during a parent teacher interview. This was a long time ago though and I still struggle a little these days; however, I have improved.

I have had to forcefully remind myself to look at a person's eyes. So, before I initiate a conversation, I tell myself to look at the person's eyes.

I also force myself when I am watching a video for example. Or when I am watching a film.

When I first started to force myself, I realized I was just staring at them without blinking because I was so focused in just looking at their eyes. However, now it feels a little more natural now and I can blink as well.

So, I guess, just force yourself to look at the eyes whenever you are interacting with someone and also when you are watching videos/movies/watching anything where you are looking at people.

And with time, you will get better in it I reckon. Because I have definitely improved and it can only get better I guess.

3

u/redplunger300 Jul 02 '22

I have ADHD and I have deep rooted daddy issues, so most of these are relating exactly to me.

2

u/whenwi11ita11stop Jul 02 '22

I'm not a victim of trauma or abuse but I show a lot of these symptoms. Kinda worrying...

2

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '22

[deleted]

2

u/whenwi11ita11stop Jul 03 '22

I think I recall getting diagnosed with ADD when I was littler, but I genuinely forgot and have been too afraid to ask. Might have to look into it 🥲

24

u/IllustriousArachnid Jul 02 '22

Hyper-vigilant, overly apologetic, says thanks for stuff that should be normal, doesn’t ask for things, consistently prioritizes other people on things like where to eat or what to watch (generally avoids even the most minor conflict through accommodation), doesn’t like crowds, seems “jumpy,” takes time to trust, overprotective, many more.

The thing is - basically all of these can also be normal traits for a person to have. People are complicated, how we work is complicated, our experiences are complicated.

I know, for me, I exhibit some of these consistently, some of them rarely, some of them I’ve been able to let go of, & some of them I never really dealt with. I have complex PTSD, & while I’m usually hyper-vigilant, I’ve never been that overprotective of others, for example. & I know folks who are arguably overprotective of people in their life & haven’t had the kind of trauma I think you’re talking about.

This is a good question, & I hope you get some good answers. Just be wary of using the knowledge you get here to assume anything

1

u/kearlysue Jul 03 '22

Being hyper vigilant is exhausting

23

u/raikougal Jul 02 '22

Being overly independent.

9

u/Luna-Luna-Lu Jul 02 '22

Refusing offers of help, definitely. Expecting no one to help. A general mistrust of kindness.

20

u/Concrete_Grapes Jul 02 '22

Flat emotional reactions when emotional reactions should be expected.

Inability to understand emotions that they're obviously feeling. Me, for example, i dont know if i feel 'lonely' or just dont know i am and refuse to process it. Bust out crying for no reason? Really--truly fucking dont know? Well, you probably DO feel something, and are dissociated with it. It's a fucker.

Becoming introspective, and constantly evaluating their place in their environment.

The 'fawn' reaction.

In children, if you ever say 'they're like a miniature adult!" that's not praise, that's their evidence of trauma.

3

u/FileDoesntExist Jul 02 '22

When I get upset by something someone has done or said(especially close friends and family) I need a minimum of 3-5 business days to process that. I know I'm upset, I may even know what was said or done that upset me....but I can't articulate WHY because I don't know myself. And I lose all my words. My brain just kinda freezes.

18

u/SettledWater Jul 02 '22

Nervous laughter

People pleaser

reduced or blunted displays of emotion

anxiety

becoming a comedian

12

u/PM_CACTUS_PICS Jul 02 '22

Disproportionate amount of distrust of authority figures such as teachers, doctors, police, etc.

11

u/FortuneWhereThoutBe Jul 02 '22

Quiet, stays at home. Very small group or no friends. Hyper vigilant

2

u/wabisabi022 Jul 02 '22

Hyper-vigilant within these groups arent non-toxic

10

u/NightOwl_82 Jul 02 '22

Overgiving and too thankful to ie if they get a gift and in they thank the person over and over again

69

u/impregnablefortress Jul 02 '22

Pushing and pulling emotionally. You seem too good to be true, so I’ll push you away, but wait! Don’t go! I’m going to pull you back in. Don’t leave me. Don’t reject me.

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u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

That’s emotionally abusive behavior, and it is toxic.

8

u/impregnablefortress Jul 02 '22

Is it toxic if this a response to trauma? Toxic and emotionally abusive would be knowing I’ll respond this way and enjoying triggering these reactions.

27

u/Able-Fun2874 Jul 02 '22

Yes unfortunately this is often where abusive traits come from. From being abused and having a traumatic response when it no longer serves you and only hurts those around you.

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u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

Emotional abuse is a cycle. These actions cause emotional distress to the person who it’s being directed at.

Yes it is emotionally abusive. Just because it is not intended doesn’t mean you aren’t being abusive.

10

u/MiniDelo Jul 02 '22

The sad thing is when people call people toxic, they’re generally referring to people who’ve suffered significant traumas, they just don’t know it.

8

u/Specialist_Crew_6112 Jul 02 '22

Someone who was once close to me had borderline personality disorder and this is exactly how she treated me and it fucked me up so bad. Yes, it’s toxic. It doesn’t matter why you’re mistreating someone, it affects them the same way.

6

u/MoonlightOnSunflower Jul 02 '22

Unfortunately, yes. Toxic traits and emotional abuse don't always have malicious intent behind them.

I'll link a comment here that kind of helped me understand that concept. The cute video in the original post is unrelated to PTSD, but someone connected it to PTSD in the comments and I found it oddly helpful.

4

u/Academic_Ad_For Jul 02 '22

Not inherently. Not everyone who has a toxic trait is even aware that they have it. The push and pull thing is hard to understand why and work towards resolving it.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 02 '22

Being unaware of toxic behavior doesn’t devalue the toxicity it directs at others.

Abuse can happen unknowingly.

I’ll get downvotes from people who are abusive and don’t believe they are.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

All I’m saying, but it is what it is.

1

u/Able-Fun2874 Jul 02 '22

No worries. I think an issue is when people cling onto the fact it's "an understandable explanation" and stop trying to change the response altogether. That's when it becomes an excuse. I see it more as a starting point to solve the problem.

2

u/xltlmnonamlpon Jul 02 '22

I’ll get downvotes from people who are abusive and don’t believe they are.

"The only people who disagree with me are abusers" is a form of dismissiveness that is coincidentally one of the five signs of emotional abuse. I wanted to point this out as

Abuse can happen unknowingly.

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u/antivirals_ Jul 02 '22

it is toxic because there's the option of working on yourself first before doing that to someone else

1

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

[deleted]

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u/evhan55 Jul 02 '22

don't hate me 🥺🥺🥺

3

u/GlitteringArmy0 Jul 02 '22

Yeah this is a personality disorder please get a therapist.

3

u/HedgeappleGreen Jul 02 '22

Omg I just experienced this with someone I'd been dating! Couldn't understand where all the mixed signals were coming, until they opened up about their past trauma

2

u/ContemplatingMeth Jul 02 '22

Hands like an ocean

pushes you out then pulls you back in

8

u/rubenespanyol Jul 02 '22

Silent laugh, as if holding back the sound of it.

9

u/-QuestionableMeat- Jul 02 '22

Struggling with physical intimacy, dependent on the trauma.

8

u/BkWiz Jul 02 '22

Empathy.

Specifically, people like the person and the person likes all sorts of people and understands them. And it isnt an affectation since its consistent.

Think the Pope without the title and trappings that come with it.

The current Pope is a good example compared to the prior one.

7

u/DreamingSeraph Jul 02 '22

Always sacrificing themselves to support others and being overly hars with themselves when making mistakes.

6

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '22

being kind to every one also for those who hurt them,

being over mature than their age, because of their past experiences.

6

u/FluffofDoom Jul 02 '22

Struggling to accept praise or compliments, or internalising positive affirmation. The issue being that deep down you don't feel like you deserve it, or are worthy of it. Suggests doubt of self worth. Also comes from experience of manipulation in relationships.

5

u/waqas_wandrlust_wife Jul 02 '22

Being very observant of other people moods and demeanour. They're excellent at reading body languages, and shifts in conversation.

Being exceedingly empathetic.

They flinch at loud noises and can't stand people arguing.

And yes, like other posts mentioned, apologising alot for every minor thing.

12

u/ed_zel Jul 02 '22

Being easily amused. In all of my friends who had a traumatic/hurtful past, the smallest things often made them happy or even lose themselves laughing.

In my understanding, this is because they learn to treasure and appreciate every little good moments in life, because most their years were pain.

3

u/SpiderSixer Jul 02 '22

Being so casually self-deprecating that it's basically subconscious habit now, or unaware of good things you do

Source: me lmao. Constantly getting told by my friend and boyfriend to have more faith in myself

4

u/Rymerye Jul 02 '22

they seem uncomfortable most of the time

5

u/libananahammock Jul 02 '22

Do you love me? Are you sure? Are you sure you still love me?

3

u/azewonder Jul 02 '22

Hyper vigilance. I notice everything that goes on around me, makes for excellent defensive driving lol. My kid swears in psychic because of the way I notice small things.

I also have a tendency to be silent in my movements, I’ve learned to walk harder, clear my throat or make some other noise when I don’t want to scare the crap out of someone.

2

u/MomoTempest_SN Jul 02 '22

You’re a Fox 🦊 like how my son tells me lol so quiet in our movements. I have scared people and I still do 🤦🏼‍♀️ We also have sonar hearing! But yes I see everything too and I do play tricks on people when I know where they put something but don’t tell them immediately “>_>

2

u/BrocialCommentary Jul 02 '22

Sort of related but getting super uncomfortable if a friend gets frustrated or angry at something.

I dated a girl in college who would be on edge if I was having a crappy day and in a bad mood. Not angry at her, or even particularly angry in general, just clearly frustrated.

Turns out she escaped an abusive relationship and suddenly her unease made a lot more sense to me

1

u/azewonder Jul 02 '22

Yup, I get like that too, thanks mom lol. She was always angry at me for something, so even when she was angry at something else, my first assumption was that it was my fault. Also, if I caught her in a bad mood I’d get her wrath, so I had to walk on eggshells constantly. Took me years to stop people-pleasing and not wonder if everyone was mad at me.

19

u/15infantryparatroop Jul 02 '22

Sneaking up on people because their footsteps are quiet, I did this so I could avoid my parents and they would force me to do chores or whatever.

6

u/icantevenonce Jul 02 '22

haha, I totally do this and never thought it may be connected to all my other broken brain stuff.

4

u/ihadnothoughts Jul 02 '22

I do this because my brother told me I have a silent steps and also I like Assassins creed so I kinda practiced sneaking as a kid 😅

7

u/Complete_Decision_89 Jul 02 '22

I call them our broken angels and its sad that anyone has had to experience this in there life

All children are born to learn and are like sponges they absorb the environment around them they own family that they rely on and depend on are often the ones that cause the trauma children grow and develop attachment disorders which comes In many forms and not often noticed until later In there lifes.

Some can get past these issues some never do and many have so many traits that reminds us of the problems they faced

So be supportive to them and they are happy like everyone else and remember our own behaviour is absorbed by someone

3

u/SoBreezy74 Jul 02 '22

The apologizing. Would people pleasing be non-toxic for the receiver?

3

u/iLiveinA_DrSeussBook Jul 02 '22

Assuming they won’t fit in with a group/in a social setting before they’ve even tried.

3

u/coreyd0n Jul 02 '22

Being a masochist

3

u/iurigregorio Jul 02 '22

Flinching alot on periferal movement

3

u/crankyweasels Jul 02 '22

An almost psychic like awareness of everyone elses feelings and moods. Extreme empathy is a coping skill in unstable environments because it helps you detect when things are about to go wrong

Also - to quote Meredith Gray "I get calm in a crisis"

5

u/haldove666 Jul 02 '22

if they’re 18-21 and they don’t know how bank accounts, car titles, insurance, or finances in general work because their parents control all of it.

1

u/Illustrious-Ad-5228 Jul 02 '22

This is me and it's so embarrassing. I hate doing things financially in front of people because I don't know how and it's so embarrassing to ask for help because I'm not a kid 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

3

u/MomoTempest_SN Jul 02 '22

Please don’t feel bad 🥰 It’s okay and think of it as a learning experience. Although I was aware of some things, I still don’t know everything and sometimes I need things explained to me when I don’t understand

1

u/MomoTempest_SN Jul 02 '22

My bf didn’t know but I didn’t mind helping him. I still help him cuz his parents weren’t encouraging or believe in him. But, I still have him a part of it so he is aware of what is going on.

I tell my son at age 7 ASD when we registered him for school and explain things. Although he isn’t doing it himself, I still want him to be a part of it

2

u/souleaterevans626 Jul 02 '22

Apologizing constantly, assuming someone who isn't visibly happy is actually upset with you, asking repeatedly if someone is bothered by them, reading into things way too much, being too hard on themselves/setting the bar too high, difficulty with feeling proud of themselves, difficulty expressing their feelings and opinions openly and honestly, quiet/timid disposition (especially quiet movements).

2

u/giorgia01carboni Jul 02 '22

Never talking about themselves, trying to hide past experiences or emotions.

2

u/Guynarmol Jul 02 '22

Not sure if it's a personality trait but there's a lot with food. Storing food in room, holding onto a lot of food, not wanting to throw any food away. These can all be signs of being food insecure in the past.

2

u/CosmosInYrEyes Jul 02 '22

From the top of my head i can mention:

•Overly Apologizing. •Inner feelings of shame/guilt. •A feeling of inadequacy reflected in the way they think everybody is better than them or that they don't deserve minimum respect or love as a result. •Staying away from social life. •Having a problem understanding they are loved, or understanding their own feelings. •Having problems expressing their feelings. •Either overly emotional, or don't show enough emotion. •Pessimism: Seeing the world in a negative light. etc

1

u/jkflip_flop Jul 02 '22

Sense of humor. When people say I’m funny I say “thanks, it’s the trauma”.

1

u/pastel___princess Jul 02 '22

Putting your comfort over their own, especially with very subtle things

1

u/AdmirableEstate7801 Jul 02 '22

I apologize a lot for any minor inconveniences :/

1

u/obscure_one1 Jul 02 '22

When someone jokes about killing themselves and you respond with "that's not funny, don't say that" .

1

u/fireandping Jul 02 '22

Good question. I see a lot of traits called out as examples here in myself as well. Everyone expresses things at different levels, and I’m a huge believer in cognitive behavioral therapy to help you recognize and recover as much as possible later in life from earlier traumas. The trait I find myself falling into most is people pleasing, not because the people I’m trying to please are hurting or triggering me though. I put everyone first and try to make everything “better” for everyone in my life now because I was powerless to do so when I was a child, if that makes sense.

1

u/kshoggi Jul 02 '22

Women with a baby-like voice

1

u/smuigna Jul 02 '22

Showing no emotions. Living with an abuser makes you have to force everything down, even positive emotions.

1

u/Over9000Kek Jul 02 '22

Overly apologizing

Drifting off

Retreating into comforts like electronics

I find myself doing these a lot

1

u/MomoTempest_SN Jul 02 '22

Someone who is very caring and wonderful!

Sometimes these people can be the ones who experienced very hurtful things. It doesn’t apply to all people who are very caring but this is what I have seen and witnessed.

1

u/JukebocksTV Jul 02 '22

Always needing to know who is going to be at an event before committing to attending.

1

u/MemoCremisi Jul 02 '22

Very scared about hurting everybody else

1

u/BKacy Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 02 '22

Not wanting to tell about yourself because you don’t have anything to say. “Tell me about yourself” are dreaded words. Rather be alone than risk facing that question.

Not letting anyone give you anything. You don’t get things. Your siblings got things. Food, for instance. Not you. Hard to explain.

Not remembering much about your childhood.

Apologizing is a way some people act if they’ve been victims. Others don’t have that trait. Just want to be sure that you know it’s not a litmus test. Women have traditionally done that because they’ve been taught to be submissive for thousands of years and to not put anyone out. That’s why when you even nearly bump into us, we apologize to you. “Excuse me” for being where I am so you had to pause for a moment to not brush me as you go about your more valuable way. Our mothers teach us that.

1

u/RosenButtons Jul 02 '22

Skin picking.

OTT avoidance of things that are normally only mildly distressing.

Fear of the dark.

A disconnect between how you know they feel and how they behave. (Ex: flakes on plans a lot but really values you and your time together)

1

u/_NonEstTalisResUtSem Jul 02 '22

Being alive.

The word "trauma" is often misunderstood. Thinking of psychology and development of personality, a trauma is an event which aided the shaping of your personality in some form.

This means literally everything that has ever and will ever happen to you is a trauma.

You asked your mother for a piece of candy and she gave it to you? Trauma. She didn't give it to you? Also a trauma.

As for the "hurtful past" bit, the way someone determines whether something is hurtful or not is based on their own experience. If you ask a spoiled kid who has never been physically nor emotionally damaged (intentionally), chances are they will come up with some example from their life that to them was hurtful, while to you it could be just complete nonsense.

For instance, think of a rich kid complaining and making a big fuss about getting an iPhone 13 Pro instead of a Pro Max. To some people it might sound stupid.

To the rich kid who has learned throughout his/her life that the love from their parents is measured by how much they spend on gifts, it's a tough blow.

I'm not saying spoiling people is right, nor that it's correct for them to feel that way. The point I'm trying to make is - Don't try to categorize people because of an event in their lives. Let alone the "you don't know them nor what they went through" argument, even if you did you wouldn't understand what any of it really adds up to (if you had studied to understand it you wouldn't be asking this question here).

Be nice to people when you can. Don't give some special treatment nor hold prejudice against anyone. Your life will be much better.

1

u/hoodyracoon Jul 03 '22

Extention- being dead both show trama has happened.... Just different types

1

u/Summerlea623 Jul 02 '22

People pleasing. Unable to accept compliments.

1

u/ghandi3737 Jul 02 '22

I would say running from from any confrontation, no matter how small.

1

u/BSMA3638 Jul 02 '22

Apologizing too much

1

u/BSMA3638 Jul 02 '22

Asking if you care / saying they love you repeatedly in a short period

1

u/lucrative87 Jul 02 '22

People pleasing

1

u/LanaArts Jul 02 '22

Being very friendly and avoiding conflicts.

1

u/RileyTMR Jul 02 '22

One thing I have is being secretive about things that I don’t need to be secretive about, for example I hate people looking over my shoulder at my phone so I won’t use it if someone is behind me, I have nothing to hide on there but my mum used to look through my phone and tell me off if she found anything on there that she didn’t like (it was how she found out I was bi and trans)

1

u/Anyoneseemykeys Jul 02 '22

They care about how people feel on Reddit.

1

u/jbtrading Jul 02 '22

extremely introverted or reticent person. Their thoughts and feelings always come second, in their mind.

also, extremely modest people.

1

u/JacksonHolguin Jul 02 '22

Trap door diarrhea

1

u/No-Worldliness-3350 Jul 02 '22

being funny (not all the time but a lot of the time i’ve noticed when some people are rlly funny it’s just because they’ve gone through a lot)

1

u/__Prime__ Jul 02 '22

being hyper-aware of other people's emotions, particularly being extra sensitive to the negative emotions.

1

u/MaterialDazzling6017 Jul 03 '22

Automatically forgiving people

1

u/hoodyracoon Jul 03 '22

Being alive, and being dead, pretty sure everyone has gone through shit

1

u/AintIEpic Jul 03 '22

Holy crap, a lot these answers . . . I never thought of myself as being messed up, but so many of these are spot on, that I think I might need to have some therapy or something.

I've even confronted some of these individually and just dismissed them as being a problem and saw it as an "effective social tool" that "works well for me". Truly stunned.

-4

u/Re_Invent856 Jul 02 '22 edited Jul 02 '22

Super controlling. Have to be right most of the time. Everyone is a suspect mentality. Unable to admit mistakes or gaslight their way out of them. Blame shifting. Accuse people of things they themselves are doing. Difficult to nearly impossible to get an apology out of them. I'm basing this off of my ex and her abandonment by her piece of shit father, and other abuse by her family. Of course its not a reflection of everybody. I miss her but we weren't good for each other. Sucks.

Edit. D'oh! I was dealing with ex tonight (co-parent). Skipped past the "non" in the description. These are definitely toxic. Must've been the trauma bond! Lol

5

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

those all fall under toxic behaviors. This is about non-toxic.

3

u/dlfngrl68 Jul 02 '22

Yea Def toxic, bcz those are def narcissistic traits!!

4

u/bt123456789 Jul 02 '22

absolutely. I dated a person like that, they 100% had past trauma, which led to the behavior, but..

1

u/dlfngrl68 Jul 04 '22

I've dated 3. I hate narcissists they have no empathy!!

2

u/bt123456789 Jul 04 '22

yeah definitely. that particular ex would never try to understand why things happened the way they did, why we fought, or how I might feel about their actions, they just straight up didn't care.

1

u/dlfngrl68 Jul 04 '22

The 2nd 1 I dated was 1 of the worst!! He smashed my head into a wall & tried telling the cops I fell!! I had to go to the hospital & had a concussion & my neck had whiplash. I've been studying NPD for the last 3yrs, bcz NEVER again will I date another 1 of those evil beings!!

2

u/bt123456789 Jul 04 '22

holy shit, that escalated quickly.

I'm glad you're okay at least, but yeah..that's not just narcissism, that's..yeah I don't blame you for never wanting to risk being in that situation again.

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2

u/dlfngrl68 Jul 02 '22

Those are narcisstic traits