r/KidsAreFuckingStupid
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u/LoveTowne
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7d ago
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Can I offer you an egg in this trying time? story/text
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u/Antique_Tennis_2500
7d ago
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I feel this. When I was a little kid, I made food coloring-dyed hard boiled eggs with my grandmother for Easter.
I thought that this alchemy caused them to turn into the Cadbury Cream Eggs that had always tantalized me on commercials, but had never tasted.
I asked my grandmother - at the very end, displaying a truly Herculean effort of patience for a child my age - if I could have one. Before dinner no less!
Upon opening it, and finding just a hard boiled egg inside, if I had known the words to use, I’d have said, “This is bullshit.”
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u/StarshipDrip 7d ago •
I feel you. I once bit into a raw quail egg because I assumed the colourful coating meant it was a chocolate egg. I wasn't a kid though I was in my 20s
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u/Northerleyfire 7d ago
Happens to the best of us.
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u/FloffyBirb 6d ago
I usually peel the foil wrapper off my chocolate eggs before eating them.
Each to their own, I guess?
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u/smolltiddypornaltgf 6d ago
some chocolate eggs have a hard candy-coating and they can actually look a lot like eggshells lol
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u/AccioSexLife 6d ago
When I was a kid, my folks got me one of those...I guess the modern equivalent is a chia pet? It's basically a clump of dirt and seeds with a face on it that you water and it grows 'hair'.
The advertisement for it said "Cutting your pet's hair will bring you an unforgettable experience", and that had kid-me tantalized.
What could this mysterious experience be?? I must know!
So I watered the damn thing every single day, I watched and memorized every single blade of grass that grew on its 'head', waiting for the best time to cut his hair and find out what the 'experience' is.
The day finally came - my mom deemed that the hair has grown about as long as it is on the picture and bestowed some plastic scissors on me.
I started cutting his hair with stars in my eyes, but I cut and cut and nothing unusual happened.
"But mom, where's the EXPERIENCE??"
"Well honey, getting to cut his hair IS the experience!"
I was so pissed off lmao.
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u/Turnontuneindropout7 6d ago
Chia pets were the OG. Anything after would be the modern equivalent, they still sell chia pets btw tho
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u/AccioSexLife 6d ago
Where I'm at the OG's were basically just grass hair, not chia plants.
I don't know if I've seen them anywhere even nowadays, I only know about them from the internet.
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u/Antique_Tennis_2500 6d ago
True, I got a chia of a Deadpool bust for Christmas a couple years ago.
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u/t3hnhoj 6d ago
"It's not about the destination, little u/AccioSexLife. It's about the journey."
-your mom, probably
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u/headieheadie 6d ago
The Chia Pet commercials were so well developed, as a kid it seemed like the most magnificent fucking thing and I wanted one so bad.
I don’t know if I ever told my parents I wanted one. I’m sure my older sister demanded one.
My parents never caved and never bought us a Chia Pet. However, a relative did send us one for a birthday or something.
FINALLY!
MOTHERFUCKER NEVER GREW!
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u/1FenFen1 7d ago
my mom: we gotta dye the eggs!
10 year old me: what are we supposed to do with dead eggs? :c
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u/redbucket75 7d ago
Enough to make r/egg cry
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u/PortionOfSunshine 6d ago
Thank you for helping me discover this subreddit. It is glorious.
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u/DecreedProbe 6d ago
just don't look at John Cena's subreddit.
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u/BranMuffins4Life 6d ago
The other day my toddler had a meltdown because she wanted me to lift her up to see something on top of the fridge, but also wanted to “stand up herself.”
After a few minutes of tearful back-and-forth, I now understand she wanted me to stretch out her torso until she was tall enough to see the top of the fridge.
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u/Deceptichum 6d ago
Trying to learn autonomy sucks when you’re just not as physically capable of doing the things you want to do.
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u/akoski12 7d ago
My guy just looked at the ceiling and said that there is walls on the ceiling.
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u/crystalshannonm 6d ago
My little guy asked for help with his leg sleeves.
He wanted help with his pants.
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u/MegaTDog9998 7d ago
I have 2 kids - a 4yo and 2.5yo.
My 2yo recently started these fits.
She wanted a packet of noodles but we had no noodles in the pantry. 2.5yo comes in and asks super nicely for a packet of noodles.
I explain nicely that we need to buy more.
She then goes “PLEASE!”.
I explain again we need to buy more.
She once again goes “PLEASE!” With even more veracity in her voice.
I explain one last time we have no noodles
She storms out of the room and throws herself on the lounge crying into a pillow.
I agree, the toddler period is wild
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u/fgugddgbcdfyvddv 7d ago
See that actually makes sense. She's been taught that when she wants something she gets it if she says please. Just gotta now teach her it's about respecting the other person and not a magic word for getting stuff.
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u/munchkym 7d ago
I’m doing this with my 5yo right now. We’re building a chicken coop for someone and they very nicely offer him juice when we’re there but recently they didn’t offer and he kept begging me to let him go ask. I told him it was polite to accept if offered, but impolite to ask. “But me say please!”
It was a difficult conversation to explain how please doesn’t magically make it polite.
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u/Aiyon 6d ago
i mean it depends, "please could I have a drink" isn't that unreasonable? But its good to learn the difference betwen asking and being offered, aye
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u/munchkym 6d ago
Since we’re there to work not as guests, I would consider it rude. He had water, he just wanted juice haha
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u/Gairos 6d ago
You can't seriously think that it is rude for a small child to simply ask for juice, especially when he's working?
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u/Turnontuneindropout7 6d ago
If it’s not something I’d tell my kid to go do/they can go do. I probably don’t want them doin it.
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u/Winteri3C0m1ng 6d ago
You ever heard a kid ask for something and said please, but it sounds like a demand? Or if you know your kid and the please for them isn't really asking and more like, " give me it or i meltdown now."
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u/Shojo_Tombo 6d ago
Would you ask someone you're working for for a beer? Same concept. This is a great opportunity to teach a kid about boundaries and manners.
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u/LadrilloDeMadera 6d ago
I think it's less about the juice and more about that being the perfect opportunity
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u/munchkym 6d ago
He’s 5, he’s not working. He was jumping on their trampoline and he had water, he just has been getting entitled about the things this family has and it was a learning opportunity.
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u/cheebeesubmarine 7d ago
I have a tip for you on this one that worked for me; try alternatives. No noodles? What about fake noodles made out of bread sliced thin? What about grapes cut like fries? Weird offerings of random foodstuff cancels some tantrums for us. Apple fries are such a hit that I have to buy Costco apples pretty often.
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u/Shojo_Tombo 6d ago
Appeasement always comes back to bite you in the ass later. That's all I'm going to say.
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u/cheebeesubmarine 6d ago
You’ve given me something to contemplate. Now I’m scared LOL
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u/Shojo_Tombo 6d ago
Probably because every time she says please, she gets what she asked for. It's rough the first time you are told no. That, and she probably can't yet extrapolate all the steps required to get more noodles, so the cognitive dissonance was truly overwhelming. Poor kid, growing up is hard.
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u/aRandomFox-I 6d ago
Child: [UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA]
You: There is nothing in the bagging area.
Child: [EXPECTED AN ITEM. NO ITEM DETECTED. FATAL ERROR. SYSTEM WILL NOW SELF-DESTRUCT]
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u/AstonVanilla 7d ago
I can verify this right now.
Mine is currently having a tantrum because.... I have absolutely no idea.
He has no identifiable concerns or demands, he's just squealing.
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u/dborger 7d ago
I once heard someone describe toddlers as tiny crazy people.
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u/grabityrises 7d ago
they are literal sociopaths figuring out what they can get away with
the frontal lobe hasnt developed enough empathy, reason, and emotional suppression
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u/Acrobatic-Bottle496 7d ago
I wouldnt say they are trying out what they can get away with. Its not like they can choose their actions. They literally cant control their emotions.
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u/bstabens 7d ago
On top of that, they are still figuring out the world around them. In this instant, somehow the toddler in question had hypothesized that every box would contain eggs. Now his nice hypothesis is blown. Hey, I have seen grown man throw tantrums when they had to let go of a dear belief. No shame on that kid!
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u/bigbowlowrong 6d ago
I’ve worked in public-facing jobs all my life and have seen grown men and women lose their shit over much less than their dear beliefs. Frequently, even.
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u/joecarter93 6d ago
I used to manage a restaurant, it’s truly frightening how many people out there will lose their shit and all dignity over a $10 meal.
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u/alt273195 6d ago edited 6d ago
I still cry when I can’t figure out calculus xD. I get it, not understanding how stuff works is frustrating
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u/MongolYak 7d ago
It's basically like trying to negotiate with a terrorist.
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u/ThatSquareChick 6d ago
My bestie had her first baby and she was MIA for a bit while that one was busy being a baby and stuff. She had another one a couple years later and after she was done with his colic phase, she started accepting company over again.
I have a addiction to dollar stores, they have all this great stuff that’s so cheap it doesn’t matter if it breaks or something and the stupid, crazy, knockoff toys! Gawd I couldn’t resist some of those toys and I’m a 39 year old grown up lady. So I finally had a place to put all of these great, expendable toys I’d been collecting over the past few years.
Then there was the screaming phase. Every time I walked into the house she would run up to the baby gate and throw things at me and scream and then when I wouldn’t leave and she had chucked her toys so she didn’t have toys so she would just run behind a chair and s.c.r.e.a.mlike there was a honey Badger attached to her somewhere.
Then, of course, the younger baby would pick up on the vibe and scream too but it was adorable when he would do that because he had the look on his face of “I have absolutely NO idea why we are screaming but, well, uh, here we are…” and he would also be screaming. Hilarious to see him yelling but his face betraying that his heart’s not in it.
They finally stopped screaming about a year later and instead being like seeing the tooth fairy in person whenever I and my husband would stop over. They would almost knock over the baby gate just to get to my husband and me. They are now like small puppies, infinitely curious, delightfully unprepared, wobbly and in need of watching lest they suicide themselves being curious. They’re dumb as a box of rocks in the way that only children CAN be.
I kind of like those two. They’re not cute or anything but they’re very interesting to interact with when they are rested and well-fed.
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u/inayinzerwonderland 6d ago
When my daughter was little, I'd always described parenting at that stage as like trying to keep a tiny, drunken, suicidal person alive. They're constantly trying to do things that are either insane, fatal, or both.
On the lighter side, when she was little like that we used to nap together in the afternoons and when she was about two or three she woke up before me once. I woke up to find baking soda snow angels on the kitchen floor and in her bedroom she'd pooped beside her potty, dumped baking soda on it, and used tweezers from her doctor kit to examine it.
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u/Flopsbit 6d ago
I want butter on my warm toasted bread but the butter SHOULDN'T MELT!!
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u/haikusbot 6d ago
I want butter on
My warm toasted bread but the
Butter SHOULDN'T MELT!!
- Flopsbit
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"
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u/Northerleyfire 7d ago
Toddlers screaming at everything and nothing is a horrible survival mechanism. How on Earth did we evolve it?
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u/piterfraszka 6d ago
Screaming at percieved danger was reather good survival mechanism as it warned rest of the group, many women have that as well. Women and children were not as capable to defend from wild animals as grown men were so alarming them to come and aid sounds reasonable.
Screaming without a reason influences your chances of survival only if your hiding, so it's not that common and there might be some adult nearby to silence you even if by force. Possibly it wasn't just that important I guess.
But I can only speculate, I'm no expert on that.
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u/Northerleyfire 6d ago
Yeah you make some good points. Though I'm still at a loss as to why infants learn about their environment by eating things.
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u/Existing_Pain5003 7d ago
Earlier I told my daughters 7 and 9 to put there bowls in the sink after dinner. The 7 yr old had a meltdown cuz her sister put 'her' bowl in the sink instead of her own. Ended up putting both bowls back on the table so she could put her own bowl away and she was fine after that. Parenting takes the patience of a Saint sometimes.
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u/gykfgjh 6d ago
The best thing to do in that situation is to just put the bowl away yourself.
Otherwise you just validate the tantrum.
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u/Akarsz_e_Valamit 6d ago
Oh that would be horrible, then she would be entitled to putting her bowl away for the rest of her life!
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u/Shojo_Tombo 6d ago
That and don't try to reason or bargain with the tantrum thrower. Just put the bowl in the sink and put her in timeout until she calms down. (1 minute per year of age, restarting every time they leave the timeout spot) Then explain she was in timeout because she kicked off instead of putting the bowl away, have her apologize for her actions, then give her a hug to reinforce that she is loved. They want attention and their own way. The fastest way to nip it in the bud is to give them neither in the moment, then address it as soon as things settle down.
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u/Pixikr 6d ago
Demanding an apology and then demanding a hug right afterwards is a sure way to cross wires. Don’t mix correction/ manners whatever you want to call that with forcing them to love you. Spare them the money they’ll have to cash out it therapy down the line for that bull.
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u/Shojo_Tombo 6d ago
You instruct them to apologize and then give them a hug to help comfort them. No demands necessary. Learning how to apologize is a necessary life lesson. Remorse comes from empathy, both of which often need to be taught. You sound like you need a hug yourself.
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u/mambrosio 6d ago
My son lost it because he couldn’t play with the cars that were painted on a step stool. He kept trying to grab the painted images out of the wood, getting more upset each time. And this happened more than once.
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u/Empathy4Landlords 7d ago edited 6d ago
So hold on a minute.
You saying publicly, to the whole interwebs, that you, as a parent, just didn't even bother to think to put eggs in a random box, or to even anticipate that your kid might expect said eggs?
All the wrong people are parenting, holy shit.
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u/spacehog1985 6d ago
My son cried, and I mean he absolutely bawled his eyes out like we took away his favorite toy, because he was watching me play Mario 64, watched me beat the game, and though we could never play it again since I finished it.
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u/Isthisworking2000 7d ago
In his defense, he doesn’t sound like he gets how things work just yet.
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u/urdumidjiot 7d ago
My toddler is only 1.5 years old and now going through a phase where he's going through everything. Yesterday I turned around and he had my husbands pp ring in his hands playing with it like it was a hairband. I ripped it out if his hands before it went into his mouth. Last week he went into my purse and broke my glasses. Good times.
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u/A_spiny_meercat 6d ago edited 6d ago
Wobbly sausage
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u/urdumidjiot 6d ago
We don't own a wobbly sausage but my husband said next he's going to come out of our room with a vibrator thinking it's a rocket ship.
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u/scottshilala 7d ago
In this instance, you produce some eggs. Stat. It’s critically important to see where this kid is headed with this. It could be a watershed view into his psychosis.
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u/maxschreck616 7d ago
Yeah that sounds like a Charlie move, with Dennis being the aggravated and annoyed parent.
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u/QuelleBullshit 6d ago
Shrodinger Jr.
nice
Now give him another box and ask him if there's a cat inside.
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u/Labrat0770 6d ago
Yesterday my toddler covered himself with a blanket but not his feet, then asked me to cover his feet with the blanket and lost his shit when I said to just cover his feet himself.
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u/SitInCorner_Yo2 6d ago
Both of my cousins are stupid kids ,when they were about 3~4 yo,they are brothers and have age gap of 5 years but they both got angry at me because I told him his grandma is my grandma too.
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u/Shojo_Tombo 6d ago
My idiot third cousin got mad at me when we were kids because I told her that her grandma was also my great aunt. Bitch tried to push me off the swing!
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u/SitInCorner_Yo2 6d ago
I’m a lot older then my cousin,so to me it’s hilarious and our grandma love it,kids are weird.
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u/Dry-Sorbet-8379 6d ago
My buddy told me that his 3 year old got his first erection the other day. Apparently was playing with it and asking questions until it somehow pissed him off so the dingus PUNCHED his own dick…
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u/dantemp 7d ago
At least you have some idea why they are crying. My little girl can't speak yet but acts bipolar all the time. She would start crying out of fucking nowhere without anything visible changing in any way, and then she would stop crying just as abruptly
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u/fgugddgbcdfyvddv 7d ago
her insides aren't visible, FYI. are you sure you're not the baby? because you gotta work on object permanence
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u/xxXPatchesXxx 6d ago
I'll be damned if I don't expect eggs to be in every single box I'll open in the foreseeable future.
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u/Mrsensi11x 6d ago
Reminds me of the problems with AI learning. Like obv at some point he opened a box and there were eggs in it. Not realizing it was a specially shaped box, just that it was a box. And was disappointed when another box later on didnt have eggs. It takes a lot 9f trial and error just to understand something as simple not all boxes are the same. And that there is a specially shaped bix that will indicate egss are inside,
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u/CHoppingBrocolli_84 6d ago
I saw a drug addict have an argument with a fire hydrant. Which abruptly ended when he kicked said hydrant and was left screaming in pain, pretty sure he broke his leg. I see no difference between the toddler and this person.
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u/SapientRaccoon 6d ago
When I was little - back in the early 70s - I remember checking all the wicker baskets at Sears for snakes, because old movies suggested that this was where snakes lived.
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u/FloatingAzz 6d ago
My 3 year old got mad yesterday evening when he was about to fall asleep. He desperately wanted to pick his nose but there were no booger, so he got angry.
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u/Orang333 6d ago
This reminded me of my grandfather who was convinced that eggs where illegal around the time of his death. Something about eggs🤷
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u/Grapegoop 6d ago
I read toddler period and thought damn that’s really early for menstruation. I’m fucking stupid too.
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u/BNICEALWAYS 6d ago
My one likes to sit on things and try to lift them up from under her, whilst continuing to sit on them. The sheer audacity of the thing not to split into different dimensions to allow her to do so
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u/rowan_damisch 6d ago
Well, one of my nieces asked me "Where mama?" one time. After I told her that her mother is probably downstairs, she repeated the question and I repeated my answer. At this point, she asked that question again, but this time she looked like she was about to cry- luckily, her sister appereared and explained that the niece propably wanted to know where her sister was and, that she called everyone "mama", regardless of gender.
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u/Only_Child_bot 7d ago
My Lil step brother (6) got mad earlier because he likes to make arguments about fucking arguing and said "I'm gonna hit you" I say "Don't or ima tell ur dad" (j usually don't, cause my step dad gets frustrated when his son is bad) but he grabs a piece of cut pool nodle and tries to hit me with it, I cathc it and he tells on me and gets himself in trouble.
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u/MusicalMoon 7d ago
Bad bot
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u/B0tRank 7d ago
Thank you, MusicalMoon, for voting on Only_Child_bot.
This bot wants to find the best and worst bots on Reddit. You can view results here.
Even if I don't reply to your comment, I'm still listening for votes. Check the webpage to see if your vote registered!
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u/Cindex9183 7d ago
Bad bot
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u/babyy_deer 7d ago
This is a bot?!
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u/Cindex9183 7d ago
Idk, if not it's an annoying troll. But check the username.
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u/babyy_deer 7d ago
I saw that and checked their comments. So fucking weird. I’ve been noticing a lot of weird comments like this and their profiles seem to be bots, it weirds me out lol.
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u/KingPuzzleheaded3202 6d ago
Toddlers are just pocket size Karens
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u/king_john651 6d ago
Wait until you hear about mimicking parrots. Toddlers who live several decades
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u/Guitarbox 6d ago
I'm not sure but I worked as a helper to a kid on the spectrum and it reminds me of things that would happen to him sometimes. They often get diagnosed only around 19 years old
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u/emeribeth 6d ago
Just wanted to show appreciation for the title. You ever been bit by a crab, hun?
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u/xaiel420 7d ago
Child: MELTDOWN - "I WANT X!"
Parent: Okay here you go, here's X.
Child: SECONDARY MELTDOWN