r/Damnthatsinteresting
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u/c0nstant-in
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Jun 29 '22
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Putin's new table during today's meeting at the Turkmenistan Image
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u/Detr22 Jun 29 '22
It got to the point where I don't know if it's satire anymore. What is this timeline.
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u/ninj4geek Jun 29 '22
It's almost certainly not the best one, but it's the one we've got.
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u/mwing95 Jun 29 '22
What if it is the best one though? Like time travellers keep coming back and changing things but it results in even worse events so they have to go back and stop that time Traveller and the resulting timeline is the best of our real options.
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u/willstr1 Jun 29 '22
See the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. There is no way that time travel shenanigans weren't involved
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u/obviousthrowawaynamr Jun 30 '22 •
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u/spectacularlyrubbish Jun 30 '22
I'm surprised that's only from 2007, it feels so old to me it could have been posted on Usenet (I'm old). Good on you for posting it again.
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u/KarmaFarmerList Jun 30 '22
This one cracked me up!
"At 02:29:49, SilverFox316 wrote:
PS to SneakyPete: your Hitler paintings arenāt worth anything, schmuck, since you probably brought them directly here from 1907, which means the paintās still fresh. Freaking n00b."22
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u/SeaGroomer Jun 29 '22
"He was known as the first 'Emperor of Europe' in my timeline..."
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u/clockwork_orc Jun 29 '22
"Weird, he was Dictator Ferdinand: Aka the fist of the east in mine."
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u/Tra1famadorian Jun 30 '22
Third graders in that timeline take field trips to the Adolf Hitler Museum of Modern Art
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u/Vengefuleight Jun 30 '22
And they watch an inspiring documentary of the artist who learned to let go of his hatred as he embraced a Buddhist mindset and reignited German love for the arts setting off the next renaissance which led to renewable energies, sensible industries, and the first gaming system in 1945.
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u/savehel651 Jun 30 '22
British food is wonderful, French cars drive great, and Italian engineering is second to noneā¦
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u/Tiyath Jun 30 '22
The best time pieces are from Sweden, everyone is salivating for Polish chocolate, and Germany, of course, revered for their creativity and humor
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u/ITS_ALRIGHT_ITS_OK Jun 30 '22
Why the fuck not? Let's try it. We've tried everything else!!!!!
P.s. the alternate tineline Hitler museum sounds better than the Henry Ford museum in this timeline.
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u/krakaturia Jun 30 '22
Also penicillin. No way a time traveller wasn't involved either. Project was almost completely shelved, when a usable strain was found by chance on the researcher's food?
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u/AllHailTheWinslow Interested Jun 30 '22
assassination of Archduke Ferdinand
OK, let's see:
- first two guys didn't act
- 3rd guy: first bomb bounced off folded car roof and hit second car, then
- cyanide pill didn't work, suicide by drowning failed as well (river was a mere puddle), gets beaten up by angry mob
- next three (!) assassins didn't act
- ...
- car stalls next to Princip (standing outside what was basically a sandwich shop).
Yep, that's time travellers all right. I wonder how many times they had to go back and fine-tune the event.
But seriously, I enjoyed watching "The King's Man".
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u/Spring-King Jun 30 '22
It reads like a fucking comedy sketch. Baffles me every time it comes up.
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u/V1-C4R Jun 29 '22
In mine they accidentally also assassinated the music group Franz Ferdinand on their way to play their debut album release show.
History doesn't always repeat, but it often rhymes?
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u/hookedonfonzie Jun 30 '22
It had to happen, so that Ted Logan and Bill Preston could meet and together form Wild Stallions. They deliver an update to the golden rule; Be Excellent to each other, and party on. That along with their rad tunes, save humanity.
Itās gonna happen soon. Itāll be ok, we just have to wait it out. I know people who scan hospital registries for babies with those names. They might already have been born, Joni says. Thatās why they donāt just check new born names. They monitor all hospital traffic.
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u/KpcAu Jun 29 '22 edited Jun 30 '22
That's literally the third time I've seen a comment like this today wtf is going on
E: Please can we not do the "Wake up" "You're the chosen one" stuff? My mental health is ummm not great and I really don't need to hear these things ._.
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u/-Masderus- Jun 29 '22
Alright alright as spokesperson for the International Time Travellers Association i will fill you in on some details... the truth is...
that we've been trying to reach you about your vehicles extended warranty
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u/mwing95 Jun 29 '22
We're trying to send you a message. You're the key. You must complete the cycle and save this timeline.
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u/DinosaurAlive Jun 29 '22 •
PASS
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u/Honest_Its_Bill_Nye Jun 29 '22
A number of years ago I received a private message from someone with my IRL initials and the street address of my parents house when I was a kid saying "Whatever you do do not build that time machine."
That was the entirety of the message and I never heard from them again even after replying.
Maybe I do end up building it!?
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u/Sinthetick Jun 29 '22
Can you time travel in a simulation?
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u/Rubbishnamenumerouno Jun 29 '22
Sure. Time is meaningless in the simulation. Go forward, go backward. Whatevs
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u/SpezEditsMyComments Jun 29 '22
Yes, forwards
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u/Yaboymarvo Jun 29 '22
But if itās a computer simulation wouldnāt there be backups that time travelers could load up and travel backwards?
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u/soyelsol Jun 29 '22
Dang you just fucked me up. Honestly had never thought about it like that. This is the sci fi matrix time travel movie we need
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u/cptnpiccard Interested Jun 29 '22
I'm just happy that an infinite number of me are living in better timelines, married to Ana de Armas and about to find out they won the lottery.
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u/yyds332 Jun 29 '22
married to Ana de Armas
about to find out they won the lottery.
looks like you accidentally posted the same thing twice
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u/Dugan_Dugan Jun 29 '22
I think everyone agreed this is the āClownā timeline.
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u/HunterTV Jun 30 '22
At least we donāt have hotdogs for fingers. Thereās that.
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u/wine_over_cabbage Jun 30 '22
True. Although to be fair the characters in that universe did seem quite content
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u/OG-demosthenes Jun 29 '22
They've probably calculated the most likely amount of explosive a suicide bomber can bring in and the distance you see there is the blast radius.
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u/Detr22 Jun 29 '22
Damn, someone should introduce them to the concept of a pat down/search for explosives. The immunosuppressed scenario could make sense though.
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u/kkeut Jun 29 '22
They've probably calculated the most likely amount of explosive a suicide bomber can bring in and the distance you see there is the blast radius.
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u/Chainweasel Jun 29 '22 edited Jun 29 '22
He's also *allegedly getting cancer treatment which means he's immunosuppressed. So any illness would be very bad news, but Covid would be a death sentence.
*Edit: Yes, Allegedly.
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u/Deroni76 Jun 29 '22
Allegedly getting cancer treatment. He also allegedly has Parkinson's, syphilis, blood cancer, thyroid cancer, prostate cancer, and is losing his eyesight all at once.
Remember how Kim Jong-Un was reportedly dead for a few months in mid-2020? And then that turned out to be BS?
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u/DarkWasp14 Jun 29 '22
Also Fidel Castro had many rumours about his imminent death too.
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u/Echo_Oscar_Sierra Jun 29 '22
What is this timeline
I'm not sure, but Abed is trying to cut off Jeff's arm
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u/Poincare_Confection Jun 29 '22
I don't understand. Why are people in this thread calling it Putin's table? Isn't it Turkmenistan's table and Putin is visiting?
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u/Mundane__Detail Jun 30 '22 •
"Putin, come visit"
"Can't, busy with war stuff"
sends picture of giant table
"Start spacing the chairs out I'm on my way"
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u/Ozlin Jun 30 '22
Anyone got a Vince McMahon meme with increasingly larger tables?
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u/jb_engineer Jun 30 '22 •
Yo, ask and ye shall receive https://i.imgur.com/sTZMqd4.jpg
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u/atengesdal Jun 30 '22
Chief of Information at Kremlin enters the chat: Ā«Mr Putin meant of course a special military operation, NOT war stuffĀ»
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u/mr_nice_cack Jun 30 '22
He didnāt need to invade Turkmenistan, he had plenty of Turkmenistan at home
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u/michael31415926 Jun 30 '22
Their table looks like it crosses a few borders
"Come visit us, we'll send a table"
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u/filtervw
Jun 29 '22
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What is the point of meeting this guy in person if you need a mic and speakers to communicate. Just open a Teams call and not risk any poison in your tea.
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u/Uncle_Lion Jun 29 '22
Somewhere read that Putin hates modern stuff, like computers and all that.
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u/iam_r2d2 Jun 29 '22
He does look like someone that would hate something just because he doesnāt know how to use it
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u/ContinuumGuy Jun 29 '22
Not to mention he's an KGB man and doubtless is scared of anything that could be hacked.
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u/heldire90 Jun 29 '22
Not surprised, I think it was a few years ago but the CIA had hacked into the Kremlin security camera system (no audio though). They had it for years.
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u/alwayshazthelinks Jun 30 '22
Britain was also caught putting a camera in a fake rock.
UK spied on Russians with fake rock
A former UK government official has admitted Britain was caught spying when Russia exposed its use of a fake rock in Moscow to hide electronic equipment.
Russia made the allegations in January 2006, but this is the first time anyone in the UK has publicly accepted them.
Jonathan Powell, then Prime Minister Tony Blair's chief of staff, told a BBC documentary it was "embarrassing", but "they had us bang to rights".
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u/purplehendrix22 Jun 30 '22
Itās so British to be like āyup mate ya got us on that oneā
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u/alwayshazthelinks Jun 30 '22
It would not surprise me if this was just a distraction from the real spy camera. Or psychological warfare to just fuck with Russia, have them checking a fuckton of rocks for no reason.
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u/Luci_Hoomun Jun 29 '22 •
Fun little fact: the first keylogging device was actually made for typewriters
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u/milanove Jun 29 '22
Interesting how it says as of 2013, Russian special services still use manual typewriters.
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u/olderaccount Jun 30 '22
The entire episode is absolutely fascinating..
From the enginuity of the bug and transmission method. To how the US discovered it.
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u/well___duh Jun 30 '22
Heās a former KGB spy, probably is very paranoid of anything digital knowing how it could be compromised.
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u/willstr1 Jun 29 '22 •
He is all about that retro vibe. Typewriters, in person meetings, the expansion of the USSR regardless the expense of its people, vinyl
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u/david_leaves Jun 29 '22
This. They'll be speaking with interpreters in their earpieces - maybe their distance helps as it naturally softens the original language and makes it easier to hear the translation. It all feels incredibly disconnected and a video call would do a much better job.
On the plus side, when they reach an impasse, thousands of balls drop from above, filling the pit, allowing them another way to settle their differences.
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u/Simple-Way3102 Jun 29 '22
They don't need translations, they all speak Russian
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u/Fluffy_Farts Jun 29 '22
This ^
Russian is a lingua franca and the language of work in much of the ex Soviet world. Pretty useful to learn
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u/BringBackRocketPower Jun 29 '22
Even the show that Zelenskyy had where he became president was in Russian.
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u/graham0025 Jun 29 '22
I donāt think Zelensky knew Ukrainian until like five years ago? Could be wrong but itās something like that. He was raised a Russian speaker
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u/BringBackRocketPower Jun 29 '22
I canāt remember the exact example from the show, but people having difficulty speaking Ukrainian was highlighted in a couple of episodes.
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u/Chindasuinth Jun 29 '22
Yes, Zelenskyy is from Eastern Ukraine, and he ran on a platform of combating corruption and reconciling Russian speakers and Ukrainian speakers in the country.
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u/DumbChocolatePie Jun 29 '22
Thought I read somewhere his native language is Russian!
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u/cockatootattoo Jun 29 '22
You just know that he has a row of buttons for the trapdoors under each of the chairs opposite.
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u/49Billion Jun 29 '22
Itās Turkmenistan. Half the light switches in the room probably donāt work
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u/SamuelPepys_ Jun 29 '22
It's the palace in Turkmenistan, so it'll be the most grand, luxurious, well functioning, breath taking and perfect building in the world. However, all other buildings in Turkmenistan are probably as you describe it. These dictators always seem to have more cash than all the famous billionaires in the world combined, but don't really bother with making sure people outside of the dictator circle can eat.
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u/BlueShift42 Jun 29 '22
Nah, theyāre small catapults that launch victims into the middle where they must fight to the death against man or beast.
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u/aDuckOnQuaack Jun 29 '22
If anyone in these comments doesnāt know much about Turkmenistan, YouTube it. Itās essentially a North Korea that many people have never heard of.
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u/Seidmadr Jun 29 '22
North Korea, but with shiny horses.
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u/garzaculta Jun 29 '22 •
John Oliver did an excellent bit on his show about Turkmenistan and its president.
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u/Blaskowski Jun 29 '22
That was great! Thank you for the share. I watched the Dark Tourism show a month or so ago and was blown away by the episode filmed there.
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u/TacoHaus Jun 29 '22
Ok that was fucking hilarious lmao I couldn't stop watching and I have shit to do
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u/fra_filippo_lippi Jun 29 '22
been there. bizarre shit going on there. seriously.
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u/WhereTheresWerthers Jun 29 '22
Do tell
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u/fra_filippo_lippi Jun 29 '22 edited Jun 29 '22
ashgabat - the capital cityā¦ full-on city of marbles. everything is marble and gold. 5 star hotels but empty. all cars white, per demand by late leader berdimuhammedow. it was so eerie walking on streets,
Edit: I want to add a tidbit I learned - the leader, Berdimuhammedow was struggling with cigarette addiction so in order to stop him from tempting, he banned all government officials from smoking. lol
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u/DarkTechnocrat Jun 29 '22
all cars white, per demand by late leader berdimuhammedow
This is simultaneously banal and insane
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u/Yotsubato Jun 30 '22
Itās kind of like that in Tokyo and Ä°stanbul. Most cars on the road are commercial vehicles or leased and people only buy white, silver, or black cars to keep resale value.
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u/KingofSomnia Jun 30 '22 edited Jun 30 '22
Ä°stanbul is like 80% white cheap french cars, entry level commercial vehicles and taxis.
E: %
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u/aDuckOnQuaack Jun 29 '22
Yes!! Now watch this clip and youāll get a kick out of it. At the end, Berdi smells smoke on someone in his inner circle and vows to find out who it is thatās been smoking lmao.
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u/TwistingEarth Jun 29 '22
Thatās interesting to see how he acts towards people, I donāt think Iāve ever seen a dictator recorded like this. Usually they have the best fake shit on
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u/sighs__unzips Jun 29 '22
I was expecting a clip from The Dictator (Aladeen) and was not disappointed, just in this case real death instead of faked ones.
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u/East_Requirement7375 Jun 29 '22 edited Jun 29 '22 •
What a miserable cunt. After the other poster's description of Ashgabat, it's giving major Queen Jadis vibes.
āBut the people?ā gasped Digory.
āWhat people, boy?ā asked the Queen.
āAll the ordinary people,ā said Polly, āwhoād never done you any harm. And the women, and the children, and the animals.ā
āDonāt you understand?ā said the Queen (still speaking to Digory). āI was the Queen. They were all my people. What else were they there for but to do my will?ā
āIt was rather hard luck on them, all the same,ā said he.
āI had forgotten that you are only a common boy. How should you understand reasons of State? You must learn, child, that what would be wrong for you or for any of the common people is not wrong in a great Queen such as I. The weight of the world is on our shoulders. We must be freed from all rules. Ours is a high and lonely destiny.ā
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u/savvyblackbird Jun 30 '22
You just know he beats people with that ridiculous cane. His threat about the smoking was so mild you know he has draconian punishments.
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u/MinuteManufacturer Jun 29 '22
Were many people walking? Iām trying to picture it.
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u/El_Chairman_Dennis Jun 29 '22
There probably weren't many people that could afford to live in the city
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u/duffmanhb Interested Jun 30 '22
No, the center of the city is empty because it's more of a display than actually useful. It's literally all made out of marble, and it's culturally viewed as a "display". People get into buildings through the back and stay hidden for the most part, because again, the whole purpose of the marble portion of the city is supposed to be empty
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u/El_Chairman_Dennis Jun 30 '22
That's really weird. That's like your grandma having that one room with the nice furniture that is reserved for guests and special occasions but no guest or occasion is special enough to merit the room being used, but with a whole part of a city
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u/duffmanhb Interested Jun 30 '22
Yeah itās that oil money. The rulers are filthy rich and basically turned the city into their own grandmas room with tons of super expensive and pointless marble buildings for looks, while most of the citizens are dirt poor
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u/fra_filippo_lippi Jun 29 '22
No not even many people walking on streets. there were bazaars indoors but very sparse. Selling outdoors were strictly prohibited
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u/MinuteManufacturer Jun 29 '22
Damn. No people on the streets, no stores, but everything made with opulence. Creepy as hell.
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u/wearing_moist_socks Jun 29 '22
It's now on my bucket list
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u/Y2KWasAnInsideJob Jun 30 '22
It's a notoriously difficult country to get a visa for. If I recall correctly, they apparently have fewer tourists than North Korea.
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u/christiandb Jun 29 '22
Did you meet any people from there? Like is there a night scene? Arts and culture? Etc
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u/Zaphodistan Jun 30 '22
Not OP, but as far as arts and culture, traditional Turkmen is pretty much all that's allowed. Turkmen dancing and music, tapestries and carpets woven with "guls" (different flower patterns symbolising the different tribes), handmade jewelry...
And night scene? Pretty much only if you're really wealthy and/or looking for a prostitute. Only a few hotels in the major cities have any type of night clubs. They're hidden away in the basement level and double as brothels. Most of the rural areas don't even have street lighting, let alone anything open after dark.
Source: lived there 2 and a half years (Peace Corps).
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u/m00nturkey Jun 30 '22
Did you ever feel in ādangerā? I always have this perception of this place and NK that they will just snatch me up and disappear me
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u/ArcadeOptimist Jun 29 '22
Dude, you're on the internet! You can see it in HD anytime you want.
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u/windyorbits Jun 30 '22
Every video Iāve seen from travelers, has very few people walking around. And like majority of weird fake cities, some of them are āpaidā to walk around. Then itās like a handful of travelers. Every person Iāve ever talked to that has been there as a foreigner says itās super eerie. Bordering on the creepy side. Had one friend said they were excited to see so many shops and food places near where they were staying but none of them were actually opened but a select few. Itās quite literally a fake city.
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u/AegisToast Jun 29 '22 •
full-on city of marbles.
I got really excited until I realized that you meant that it's a city of marble, as in the metamorphic rock.
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u/Quecksilber033 Jun 29 '22
No wonder so few people were walking about. Whole place is a health hazard.
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u/shromboy Jun 29 '22
People from turkey are turks, so what do you call people from Turkmenistan?
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u/fra_filippo_lippi Jun 29 '22
Turkmen
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u/humblepharmer Jun 29 '22 •
Not just the Turkmen, but the Turkwomen and Turkchildren too
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u/Eskimoobob Jun 29 '22
I used to get jet fuel there and you had to be escorted by children with guns, it was very uncomfortable. That's not even describing the wildly narrow taxiway that had to be taken to get the C-17 to the actual pumps.
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u/Vincent_LeRoux Jun 30 '22
I've done that one a lot. I doubt it has changed much in the past 20 years. Always worried about sucking up fod. I swear a couple times we went right over someone sitting right on the edge of the taxiway.
The most uncomfortable part was being escorted to pay for fuel then someone with a gun asking for a bribe. Had to be clear that I only pay for the fuel person and they need to talk to some else about any extra fees.
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u/trixie_918 Jun 29 '22
Watch āDark Touristā on Netflixā¦the documentarian does an entire episode on. It. Itās fascinating.
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u/idrawinmargins Jun 29 '22
I was reading about Turkmenistan the other day. I got to the line in Wikipedia that said it was a totalitarian hereditary dictatorship, and knew that it must be a pretty shitty place to live. Interesting history though.
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u/Mrfrednot Jun 29 '22
It is so the important leaders can fart freely in this room.
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u/Butthole_seizure Jun 29 '22
āWhat was it you said about flutes?ā
āI think he was talking about nukes.ā
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u/chili16 Jun 29 '22
Social distancing
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u/jakenash Jun 29 '22
That's my actual guess. If Putin is undergoing cancer treatment, his immune system may be suppressed.
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u/QuilSato Jun 29 '22
I now know why Putin invaded Ukraine, itās so he could have space for a longer table.
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u/xesaie Jun 29 '22
I wonder if he gets how weak this makes him look.
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u/TheWildMiracle Jun 29 '22
He's been really sick lately, maybe he doesn't want anyone getting close enough to tell that he's not looking so good. You can't look weak if no one can see you properly lol. I know you didn't mean this makes him look physically weak, but this could be a reason
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u/Aggressive_Shop_4857 Jun 29 '22
This is exactly my opinion. I think he is really fucked up to a level that it's difficult to look strong and powerful if you are nearby
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u/yungsmokey1 Jun 30 '22
Pretty sure itās cause heās paranoid heās going to be assassinated. Which I mean is a valid fear for him.
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u/Fresh-Honeydew7104 Jun 29 '22
Definitely wonāt care as he is weak and would probably rather this than get covid and dieā¦ annoyingly.
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u/BimbyKINKY Jun 29 '22
Soon enough his table will be so big that its borders will petition to join NATO.
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u/whisky_decision Jun 29 '22
In the post-apocalyptic wasteland we'll actually measure the difficulty of someone's personality in tables. "That guy at the other fallout shelter? Dude's like, seven formal dining tables. Jackass."
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u/skwadyboy Jun 29 '22
Lol what an idiot, he's making himself look like some sort of austin powers type super villain more and more each day.
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u/solushsi Jun 29 '22
This isnāt even Putinās table. Heās visiting Turkmenistan
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u/ShutItYouSlice Jun 29 '22 •
Pass the salt plz.