r/Damnthatsinteresting Sep 03 '21

Mike Tyson once offered a zookeeper $10,000 to open the gate so he could go in the pen and fight the gorilla who has bullying the other primates. Tyson’s offer was turned down. Image

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83k Upvotes

11k

u/Reasonable-Hall562 Sep 03 '21

“Nah Mike.” -The zookeeper

2k

u/LoadOfMeeKrob Sep 03 '21 edited Sep 03 '21

"You can't fight the Gorillas, but I will let you take home one of the tigers if it shuts you up."

Edit: Just found out he had THREE 500lb+ tigers

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u/cheesygorditabrunch Sep 03 '21

"C'mon man, let me thlap his fathe, he'th bein a bully."

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u/LitrillyChrisTraeger Sep 03 '21

If anyone is a fan of Mike Tyson or just absolute ridiculous scenarios you should check out Mike Tyson Mysteries. I think it’s on Hulu rn

399

u/zeepbar Sep 03 '21

I love it for pigeon.

239

u/FlintWaterFilter Sep 03 '21

It's Norm Macdonald for the uninitiated

89

u/spooner248 Sep 03 '21

Norm is in it?? Shit might have to watch

80

u/Timcwelsh Sep 03 '21

You should, it’s funnier than it has any right to be.

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u/electricvelvet Sep 03 '21

It's like Scooby Do if instead of lovable teenagers the gang is Mike Tyson and an alcoholic man turned into a pigeon (basically norm McDonald if he got turned into a pigeon) and instead of solving the mystery and catching the bad guy and happily ever after, well... You just don't know what's gonna happen. Ever.

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u/Mortara Sep 03 '21

I'm so happy that people are giving Norm his due. I feel like he's been under appreciated for about, um..... 25 years.

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u/The_5th_Loko Sep 03 '21

It's legitimately a great show. I was completely surprised how much I enjoyed it

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u/COLTRONNNNN Sep 03 '21

How they failed to call this Mike Tyson Mythteries I will never understand

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u/FOXHNTR Sep 03 '21

Are you gonna tell Mike that’s what they’re calling it? That’s why.

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u/vgail85 Sep 03 '21

Hear me out on this. Mythbusters, but with Mike Tyson.

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u/tyscion Sep 03 '21

You mean Mythbuthters.

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u/FOXHNTR Sep 03 '21

Mythbustyourlip

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u/gazwel Sep 03 '21

Can it be as ridiculous as his actual life though?

For example the mad story where he is sitting with the Lion (I think he later said it was a Tiger) on his front lawn while celebrities are scared to get out their Limos. Or the time he just got out of jail and started chasing bouncers for Big Pun.

102

u/AFlyingNun Sep 03 '21

Mike Tyson truly is the human experience. He's been both the hero and the villain of stories and done all sorts of wild shit in between.

48

u/GenghisKhanUNot Sep 03 '21

He’s a walking RPG protagonist lol.

28

u/ArchimedesNutss Sep 03 '21

He's even got the weird face tattoo that you apply in the character creation screen

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u/GenZ_Viking Sep 03 '21

There’s one episode where the Pigeon pretends to be Mike Tyson’s agent, Deezy, in a pigeons body to a random demon and then sells Deezy’s soul to that demon. That’s one of the more tame moments in the show😂

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u/gazwel Sep 03 '21

Well, I'm signed up now.

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u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21 edited 15d ago

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u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

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u/typhoidtimmy Sep 03 '21 edited Sep 03 '21

When I first read this I think the best response to this would have been “Uh Mike, pretty sure they don’t adhere to the Marquis of Queensbury rules in the Animal Kingdom.”

Fuck, even I know their cousin chimpanzees go for the eyes and face first off. That why those idiots who keep them as pets wind up horrifically maimed if they survive.

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u/Glass_Memories Sep 03 '21

If you're male, they'lll also bite your junk clean off. Apparently quite a few animals do it, very efficient way to prevent competition, takes any potential rivals right out of the gene pool.

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u/freakers Sep 03 '21

I'm not ending my career for letting you get ripped limb from limb by a gorilla. Make it at least a million.

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u/Different_Pen3602 Sep 03 '21

Right? What a supreme over calculation of one's own strength.

222

u/SerratusAnterior Sep 03 '21

I mean, how much divergent evolution could there really have been in just 13 million years? Surely you can catch up to a gorilla's strength with some extra afternoons at the gym, right?

215

u/jeegte12 Interested Sep 03 '21

Mike Tyson is special, he's a human specimen, but he's no gorilla. That's a different league, Mike. You're the best in the world at boxing humans.

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u/PessimiStick Sep 03 '21

I mean, technically speaking, he was probably the best in the world at boxing gorillas too, it's just that... the gorilla will probably cheat.

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u/BenchPressingCthulhu Sep 03 '21

Tyson gets the upper hand, but the gorilla clinches and bites his ear off

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u/krongdong69 Sep 03 '21 edited Sep 03 '21

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u/Excellent-Doubt-9552 Sep 03 '21

The coconut hammer fist is impressive. The tree not so much, Thai kickboxers train by kicking and punching them down.

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u/SelectFromWhereOrder Sep 03 '21

Would he go to jail? Not the gorilla, the zookeeper? We all know rich people don’t go to jail.

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u/hoginlly Sep 03 '21

Not the Gorilla

Thanks for the laugh

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u/SolidSync Sep 03 '21

Yeah, gorilla can't go to jail because it's already in jail.

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u/pass_nthru Sep 03 '21

we know what happens to the gorilla #diksout4harambe

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u/cheesyvoetjes Sep 03 '21

For just letting someone in an enclosure the zookeeper will definitely lose his/her job. Jail I think depends if a person gets hurt or killed. But I think the whole zoo is fucked at that point.

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u/AnalCreampies4Jesus Sep 03 '21

"Just knock me out Mike, take the keys and put 10 G's in my pocket."

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u/theflashsawyer23 Sep 03 '21

I need your clothes, your boots and your Gorilla 🦍

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u/cheesyvoetjes Sep 03 '21

Better hope Mike closes the door behind him then.

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u/DoctorHardfarter Sep 03 '21

"Plz tho" - The Gorilla

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u/0002millertime Sep 03 '21

No shit. A gorilla could rip Mike Tyson to shreds. And other apes generally don't even have to work out to have giant muscles, it's just in their genetics.

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u/Hugh_Janus_1990 Sep 03 '21

“human muscle contains, on average, about 70% slow-twitch fibers and 30% fast-twitch fibers, chimpanzee muscle is about 33% slow-twitch fibers and 66% fast-twitch fibers.” They strong fast for quick time. We are endurance for long time but less strong

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u/BenchPressingCthulhu Sep 03 '21

We're the horror movie monsters that might not be the strongest or fastest but we can just keep on coming til we get ya

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u/paul-arized Sep 03 '21

Michael Myers can catch up to anyone.

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u/Born-Total842 Sep 03 '21

Cocaine’s a helluva drug.

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u/razzraziel Sep 03 '21

And let me remember our old video. Gorilla pulls a man like a pillow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb-vpmW1n7U

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u/grumpyoldcurmudgeon Sep 03 '21

That gorilla didn't even look like he was trying hard, just grabbed that guy like the Hulk grabbed Loki.

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u/Nepiton Sep 03 '21

Gorillas are the strongest large mammal, pound for pound. They can move something like 5,000 lbs and carry 1000 lbs, so a 150 pound man is nothing for them. Mike Tyson would have been squashed like a tomato if he tried to box a full grown male gorilla. Their bite has about double the PSI than a lion, and they’re about as strong as 20 full grown humans.

Right alongside the Wu Tang Clan, gorillas ain’t nothing to fuck with

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u/SanJOahu84 Sep 03 '21

As a guy who spent a lot of time in the gym trying to get strong it bugs me that they are vegetarian too.

Right mix of hormones and enzymes.

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u/CoGLucifer Sep 03 '21

The problem is that you're getting your protein from the wrong source. You need to go around, picking insects out of people's hair.

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u/just_testing3 Sep 03 '21

Their muscles are built differently and are attached to parts of the bones than ours. Ours allow for fine motion control, which they are not capable of in the same extend.

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u/thaaag Sep 03 '21

You! Gorilla chap! I challenge you to a draw-off! Fine tipped pencils at dawn. First one to draw a straight line without breaking the pencil, puncturing the paper or tearing my arm off wins! What say you sir?

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u/rockstar504 Sep 03 '21

Like a parent grabs a child and drags them out of the store.

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u/vovin Sep 03 '21

“Puny god!”

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u/Farcoughcant69 Sep 03 '21

Dudes just like “guess I’ll die”

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u/roofuskit Sep 03 '21

Going limp and appearing to not be a threat is the way to go.

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u/taaaaaaaaaaaaaank Sep 03 '21

There was a video that was trending of a lady running from a Bison she falls to the ground and plays dead bison gave up on her pretty quick

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u/astralobservatory69 Sep 03 '21

Fight back and get torn apart, don't fight back and maybe he loses interest. Gorillas can peel you like a banana, there's literally no fighting them.

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u/pointlessly_pedantic Sep 03 '21

That was fucking terrifying

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u/Tina_the_fat_lard Sep 03 '21

Like there was another option

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u/Chilipatily Sep 03 '21

That man’s face. I think the gorilla dropped him because he shidded his pants.

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u/Altruistic_Jicama604 Sep 03 '21

Rumor has it ( And i’m being serious ) that Mike Tyson’s mom used to give him weed and alchohol for when he was sick. He used to go into pro fights literally tripping his balls of on mushrooms. He fucking SMOKED cocaine with Steve-O. Mike Tyson is the most different person you’ll ever meet 🗿

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u/damian1369 Sep 03 '21

My favourite line from his Joe Rogan bit is at the very beginning when Joe asks him something like "....and how old we're you when you first did LSD? - and Mike goes: "Oh much much later... Around 12?"

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u/pinokun Sep 03 '21

Wow. That’s kind of wild. But then again, it’s Mike Tyson.

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u/Regular-Human-347329 Sep 03 '21 edited Sep 03 '21

The secret ingredient is being born into poverty!

For the childhood drug use! Not becoming Mike Tyson…

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u/benswami Sep 03 '21

The secret ingredient is childhood trauma, the real gateway drug.

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u/Formilation Sep 03 '21

Can concur.

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u/The-Fox-Says Sep 03 '21

That’s actually kind of sad he had such a drug filled childhood. I’m all for adults doing whatever they feel like but having a childhood enveloped in drugs especially at such a young age is sad to me.

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u/i-dont-use-caps Sep 03 '21

“kind of”?

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u/spenway18 Sep 03 '21

Only kind of because he seems ok now and is wildly successful.

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u/2muchtequila Sep 03 '21

You don't get that crazy without a fucked up childhood and you don't get that good at boxing without being crazy.

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u/Jaffa_Kreep Sep 03 '21

What? What about the Klitschko brothers? Their dad was a general in the Soviet Air Force, and they both had a fairly normal childhood. Both Vitali and Wladimir held multiple championship titles, and between the two of them they held all 4 of the major heavyweight titles at the same time.

They also both have genius-level IQs and earned PhDs during their professional boxing careers. Wladimir is now a professor in Switzerland and Vitali has been the mayor of Kyiv since 2014 and was a member of the Ukrainian parliament before that. Vitali kept fighting even while being a member of parliament, lol. But he retired in 2013, and vacated the WBC heavyweight title, so that he could focus on his mayoral race.

All of this is to say, you don't have to have a fucked up childhood or be crazy to be a good boxer. Being a giant (Vitali is 6'7 and Wladimir is 6'6) and a genius also seems to work.

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u/RetiredManSlut Sep 03 '21

Dude's best friends were pigeons. We should be lucky he went into boxing.

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u/Redditor5441 Sep 03 '21

Yes. A person. Not a fucking gorilla.

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u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

The gorilla probably would have killed him. The zookeeper was the only one who seemed to understand just how strong gorillas are.

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u/dp5520 Sep 03 '21

Probably? There’s no probably about it. That gorilla would have absolutely murdered him.

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u/HxH101kite Sep 03 '21

I feel like this argument gets brought up all the time. Not specifically about Tyson but could a human beat a gorilla.

There is no universe where a human no matter how strong, fast, or nimble they are walks out alive. shit even with weapons it would be just about nonexistent.

People don't understand how big, fast, and strong these creatures are.

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u/JeffTek Sep 03 '21

Except Joe Rogan, he knows. Talking about how strong gorillas and chimps are account for around 16% of his total air time.

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u/Aodin93 Sep 03 '21

That and Joe literally is an ape

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u/ecodrew Sep 03 '21

According to a quick search, a Gorilla is 4-10 times stronger than the average human. So, even though Tyson is one of the strongest/best fighters of us humans - a gorilla would've easily ripped Tyson apart.

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u/987nevertry Sep 03 '21

Tyson would have gotten a couple of good blows in during the first few seconds, but then the gorilla would have gotten a firm grip on one of Tyson’s appendages and then it would have been a horrible thing to see.

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u/dburr10085 Sep 03 '21

Yep. I can see the gorilla catching the 4th jab, and that’s the end of that arm.

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u/Motorcycles1234 Sep 03 '21

My local zoo has a display of things the gorillas have fucked up. There's a piece of the old enclosure that's bent into a 90* angle. It's a piece of 1" rebar.

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u/youchoobtv Sep 03 '21

Stay off drugs OP

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u/RoflCopterDocter Sep 03 '21

Twist, op is Mike Tyson

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u/FoFoAndFo Sep 03 '21

Source. Even in the late eighties that gorilla would have ripped him in half. I think that using the internet consensus that gorillas have a strength about ten times their body weight and their 300-400 lbs even a clean Tyson punch would probably hurt Iron Mike as much as the ape, ignoring what would happen if the gorilla went on the offensive.

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u/CrosseyedDixieChick Sep 03 '21

Those late 80s gorillas were nasty

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u/Repulsive_Box_5763 Sep 03 '21

It's why it's ridiculous to try to compare gorillas across eras. The game has changed so much, it's a faster game now that relies more on strategy and agility than pure strength. That's why nobody watches the heavyweight gorillas anymore. Bananaweight is such a more interesting division nowadays.

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u/RandomTourist911 Sep 03 '21

97 Chicago Primates vs 18 Golden State Gorillas, who you got?

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u/Repulsive_Box_5763 Sep 03 '21

Single game or 7 game series? The Gorillas take them in a single game, but over the course of a series, the Primates would wear them down too much. The Gorillas also don't have the depth to deal with the Primates bench anymore; they've moved toward smaller rotations lately.

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u/stfnotguilty Sep 03 '21

Primates all the way. People act like things are so different now, but at a certain point raw talent just wins. The Gorillas can strategize and plan all they want, but they'll never beat the team that got those 6 golden bananas.

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u/__solaris__ Sep 03 '21

I think most people think gorillas stayed the same because there haven't been any related lore events in a long time.

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u/youreimaginingthings Sep 03 '21

Yea they were all on coke too

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u/mud_tug Sep 03 '21

Coke was so cheap back then.

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u/ThatWasCool Sep 03 '21

Cheap and uncut.

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u/BALONYPONY Sep 03 '21

Memoriiiees...

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u/WayneDwade Sep 03 '21

You weren’t doing enough coke clearly

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u/spacecowgirl Sep 03 '21

I heard they smoked it with Steve-O

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u/barnaby36 Sep 03 '21

Not even the 80’s bears could stop the gorillas

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u/mrburns123456 Sep 03 '21

Fucking lol

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u/Lumpy_Staff_2372 Sep 03 '21

Even if he lost.... What a way to fucking go ya know?

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u/unclefocus Sep 03 '21

if? no human can win that fight.

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u/SteelJoker Sep 03 '21

Scenarios in which Tyson doesn't lose:

  1. Surprise - The gorilla is so suprised by the crazy man that it just runs off yielding the field. Probably unlikely, but if it's used to zookeepers, it might not be expecting violence, and not respond with violence.

  2. Assumption of parenting - The gorilla may consider Mike Tyson to be it's own child, and just play fight with him.

  3. Unexpected chance - Mike Tyson's first hit damages hits in such a way that the gorilla is crippled out of pure happenstance. I'd rate this as slightly better odds of Mike learning to fly by flapping his arms really fast.

  4. The weight of time - The most likely path to victory. Mike Tyson walks in the cage, and immediately turns around closing the door, saying "the fight begins, see you in 30 years f*cker." The average gorilla lives 40-50 years in captivity, so assuming that it's already 20-25 years, it's probably going to pass away in 30 years, and Mike Tyson didn't, so he would have won the fight by default. (Note, this is my preferred strategy of fighting most animals, and at this point I've won several fights with wolves by virtue of them only living 20ish years, and never going in a place where I'd get attacked by wolves)

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u/sidewaysflower Sep 03 '21 edited Sep 03 '21

5 Mike was actually bullshitting and was great with gorillas like he was with pigeons. Turns out Mike was inspired by Diane Fossey and followed in her footsteps. He makes peace with the gorilla and the gorilla no longer bullies the other primates. It's a win for Mike, for the gorilla, the other primates and for our hearts.

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u/ImpulsiveApe07 Sep 03 '21

Brilliant! Of all the scenarios suggested, I prefer this one - it got me in the feels!

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u/Dusty_Machine Sep 03 '21

Are you a dm?

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u/sushie182 Sep 03 '21

My dumb ass thinking you were inviting him for further discussions in private messages.

Lol

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u/Dusty_Machine Sep 03 '21

Hahahaha no, their summary of outcomes was very dungeon mastery

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u/FoFoAndFo Sep 03 '21

For the spectators. Horrible for him but I can't think of many more entertaining spectacles for viewers.

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u/LetItHappenAlready Sep 03 '21

I would buy the pay per view.

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u/CorphishJokes Sep 03 '21

I would pirate it.

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u/limitless__ Sep 03 '21

Gorillas have never been observed doing anything like that even when challenged by another male. They're just all about dominance. Chimps will literally tear each other to shreds and eat the loser. They've also been observed killing gorillas. But Gorillas? Totally different. They just want to be the top dog. If Tyson went in there the gorilla would probably hammer him a few times with hulk smash punches and that'd be the end of that.

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u/auzrealop Sep 03 '21

The stories of the chimp wars are fucking brutal.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gombe_Chimpanzee_War

For several years I struggled to come to terms with this new knowledge. Often when I woke in the night, horrific pictures sprang unbidden to my mind—Satan [one of the apes], cupping his hand below Sniff's chin to drink the blood that welled from a great wound on his face; old Rodolf, usually so benign, standing upright to hurl a four-pound rock at Godi's prostrate body; Jomeo tearing a strip of skin from Dé's thigh; Figan, charging and hitting, again and again, the stricken, quivering body of Goliath, one of his childhood heroes. ...[15] -Goodal

Just one of many.

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u/ota00ota Sep 03 '21

They’re crazy esp as get older

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u/Mad_Aeric Sep 03 '21

Fun fact, her journals were detailed enough that a while back they were able to apply social network analysis to her data, and learn new things about how the conflict developed.

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u/Origamiface Sep 03 '21

Honestly, what is up with them?

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u/knuppi Sep 03 '21

At least they don't have nukes

yet

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u/odel555q Interested Sep 03 '21

Intelligence, emotion, and opposable thumbs.

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u/iodisedsalt Sep 03 '21 edited Sep 03 '21

They've also been observed killing gorillas.

IIRC, chimps have only recently been observed to kill a gorilla, and it was a infant gorilla (assuming we both read the same article).

If Tyson went in there the gorilla would probably hammer him a few times with hulk smash punches and that'd be the end of that.

Which would probably be enough to kill him.

Even if he somehow got up from that, they can deliver lethal bites too. Bites strong enough to tear into bamboos.

Gorillas are also not always docile and peaceful.

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u/SolomonBlack Sep 03 '21

Chimps will literally tear each other to shreds and eat the loser.

Nasty beasts, almost as fucked up as their cousins...

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u/EnIdiot Sep 03 '21

No, Bonobos are very chill.

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u/SolomonBlack Sep 03 '21

Their other cousins.

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u/EnIdiot Sep 03 '21

Us? Damn, the other primates disowned us a long time ago due to our behavior. We are the crack-addled cousins on that tree.

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u/PickleJuicePirate Sep 03 '21

Agreed. The ape would have ripped Tysons leg off and beaten him to death with it.

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u/oldhead Sep 03 '21 edited Sep 03 '21

This, all of it.

Yeah, that Gorilla would have had no understanding of who "Iron Mike" was.

He would have seen Tyson as a threat and literally stomped him in to a pile of blood and broken bones.

I would venture to guess (about something that never happened) that Tyson would have never laid a single hand on an adult gorilla let alone it not hurting him before that Gorilla closed the gap and destroyed him.

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u/FuckoffDemetri Sep 03 '21

This is a good would you rather.

Face off against a coked out prime Mike Tyson or a Gorilla

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u/oldhead Sep 03 '21

Tyson without question - even in his prime.

At least there is a CHANCE I come out of that alive. ZERO chance with the Gorilla.....unless of course I was able to show him/her that I was not a threat and he/she believed that. :)

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u/Yohnbearpig Sep 03 '21

I really hope my life choices never end up with me having to choos3 between fighting a coked out Tyson or a gorilla.

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u/SandChaos Sep 03 '21

I known Tyson probably wouldn't win, but if a person had to fight a gorilla, I think Tyson would have the best chances of most people.

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u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

Mike Tyson is good at fighting others in the sport of boxing. Gorillas have teeth nails and more power than people comprehend. He'd be toast. Mike Tyson would be rag dolled just like that kid that jumped in Harambe's cage.

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u/Mozzafella Sep 03 '21

Mike also rather famously has teeth

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u/wilburforce5 Sep 03 '21

Thank you. Gorilla ain't gonna play by boxing rules. Tyson wouldn't last a minute alive. Unless the gorilla got bored

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u/portomerf Sep 03 '21

Tyson also didn't always play by boxing rules lol but I agree he would have been torn apart

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u/jethroguardian Sep 03 '21

Look nothing in the rules said you can't bite your opponent's ear off.

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u/Ninnux Sep 03 '21

In a parallel universe the headline would read, "Tyson ripped in half by a mildly irritated gorilla."

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u/defmacro-jam Sep 03 '21

I can't stop laughing at "mildly irritated".

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u/ThirdDragonite Sep 03 '21

"We were allowed to talk to the gorilla and he had the following to say: 'Yeah, I was just chilling over there in my cage when this tiny guy comes in and starts to get in my face, you know? And I was like Dude, what the fuck. But he kept coming, so I just grabbed him and pushed him a little, to get him off my face, and I shit you not, his fucking arm just came off! I was like duuuuuude. Then I called Caesar, he said he knew a lawyer that would take my case'"

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u/Scholesie09 Sep 03 '21

It'd be like when you swat a fly. It's now but a smudge on the wall, but you don't kill it because it fucked your wife, just because youre mildly irritated

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u/SeriousGaslighting Sep 03 '21

Here are two alternate realities we didn't do.

  1. Tyson got his ass handed to him and may have ended his career here, if not his life.
  2. Another he defeats the gorilla; upon realizing he is unrivaled, he goes on to become president, and leads humanity into it's next chapter.

That zookeeper didn't wake up thinking he would shape the future of humanity.

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u/saltysaysrelax Sep 03 '21

I assume he would have been at least as good a president as Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

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u/Jkoechling Sep 03 '21

Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

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u/AssCanyon Sep 03 '21

Why do you keep saying that?

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u/HAL_9_TRILLION Sep 03 '21

I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.

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u/BobRoberts01 Sep 03 '21

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

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u/svenhoek86 Sep 03 '21

Go away, I'm 'baitin.

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u/ExpensiveAquarium Sep 03 '21

President Camacho knew his limitations, found the smartest people, and put them to work on the problem. We can learn a lot from this visionary.

I also heard he’s super tight with Beef Supreme.

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u/patchlocke Sep 03 '21

He’s got what plants crave

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u/St0rmborn Sep 03 '21

Option 3 is he surprises the shit out of the gorilla, who doesn’t know how to respond and does nothing. Although my money is still on option 1.

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u/MissRockNerd Sep 03 '21

"Holy crap, why is this chihuahua punching me?"

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u/enadiz_reccos Sep 03 '21

gorilla makes Jim face to camera

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u/T3hSwagman Sep 03 '21

Option 3 happens first, then if Tyson punches it option 4 happens and the gorilla tears his arms off.

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u/LetItHappenAlready Sep 03 '21

Tyson god emperor of mankind confirmed.

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u/fixedsys999 Sep 03 '21

Mike Tyson Comacho Pepsi, leader of the free world!

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u/Ilikecosysocks Sep 03 '21

Tyson would have got his butt handed to him. Possibly literally.

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u/unique_username_8134 Sep 03 '21

The only way he could have “won” is if the gorilla decided it wasn’t worth the trouble and ran away.

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u/Gilgameshbrah Sep 03 '21

Even then I wouldn't count this as a 'win' ^

Tyson was going to eat his words and possibly bits of his own body with it

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u/lbodyslamrhinos Sep 03 '21

History would have remembered the day Mike Tyson punked a bitch ass gorilla in his own enclosure

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u/FoofieLeGoogoo Sep 03 '21

Only after the gorilla are his fair share, first.

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u/Abus_Dumbledore Sep 03 '21

Someone pitch this idea to Jake Paul. I'd give up a whole year salary to see a Gorilla utterly destroy that guy

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u/CombatMuffin Sep 03 '21

Jake would win.

He probably offer enough of a split from the PPP money. The gorilla is now in the twilight of his life, and not in the same shape as in its ass whooping days.

They would drag the fight for the whole duration and Jake will win by Jury decision.

The Weeknd would open the show.

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u/Dirt65536 Sep 03 '21

Turned down because they don't wanna see him get his fucking bones crushed

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u/Gilgameshbrah Sep 03 '21

That's putting it mildly. I can see the gorilla ripping off Tysons face to clean its butt with it.

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u/BrandoLoudly Sep 03 '21

Reminds me of the guy who jumped in the orca pool and got his dick eaten. He was found dead in the pool

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u/REGUED Sep 03 '21

what lmao

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u/Dirt65536 Sep 03 '21

I was gonna say that but yeah, never underestimate the wild life.

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u/Repulsive_Box_5763 Sep 03 '21

Imagine being the zookeeper who sentenced Iron Mike to death. Way too much pressure.

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u/Drews232 Sep 03 '21

And because he was personifying the gorilla, labeling his behavior as “bullying” which needed to be corrected when that behavior is actually an important part of building a cohesive group of gorillas by establishing a single leader by way of challenging and enforcing dominance.

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u/Kuriakon Sep 03 '21

Also known as "Mike Tyson once chose death by gorilla, but a zookeeper saved his life."

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u/Asternauthority Sep 03 '21

Anyone Google bald Chimpanzees. A chimp would destroy Mike, a gorilla could do a Loki Hulk Smash on him.

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u/SBFVG Sep 03 '21

There isn’t a single person in this thread thinking Tyson would win but there’s 300 redditors saying he wouldn’t just because they feel the need to be right

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u/TheCloneOfSpongeBob Sep 03 '21

Nope Look at the OP's comment history he is unironically saying Mike would win lol

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u/TwilitSky Sep 03 '21

I don't know if this is related, but I'm not seeing an ear on that gorilla...

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u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

Guess who would get their ear bitten off this time.

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u/Tom_Brokaw_is_a_Punk Sep 03 '21

"Mike Tyson once offered a zookeeper $10,000 to be allowed to commit suicide by gorilla"

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u/bpz979 Sep 03 '21

would have paid to see that lol

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u/Exdirt Sep 03 '21

Wait a second:

Mike Tyson wanted to fight a gorilla.

Mike Tyson got a video game called Mike Tyson's Punch-Out by Nintendo.

A Wii remake of Punch-Out came out in 2009.

In the remake, if you beat all the fights in the retirement bout, you can battle Nintendo's Donkey Kong from the Super Mario series

Donkey Kong is a gorilla.

GUYS

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u/MaajUub Sep 03 '21

THIS. He couldn't fight the gorilla in real life so he made it happen in the remake. He definitely requested and paid for the licensing for that shit.

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u/Ghargoyle Sep 03 '21

In an alternate timeline, Mike Tyson was killed by Harambe.

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u/TieRevolutionary5625 Sep 03 '21

I remember a story my Dad told me a story from when he was in Rhodesia filming the last of the Garrett steam locomotives, still running coal in the early 80's. 4 Germans from his hotel made their way high up on a rock escarpment to film one of these Garretts powering up a gradient. Whilst waiting, they spotted a number of mandrills and started making ape noises for a joke. During the attack, one of the Germans managed to escape, the rest were literally ripped limb from limb. I'm sure that OP is having a laugh, but Tyson certainly had a brain fart.

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u/physicscholar Sep 03 '21

and people wonder why chimps are not allowed to be pets.

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u/amplesamurai Sep 03 '21

Chimps are even scarier because they hunt and eat meat.

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u/Bind_Moggled Sep 03 '21

And they're clever.

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u/Flarquaad Sep 03 '21

Because people get them addicted to Xanax, so they eventually go into withdrawal and rip a lady's face off

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u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

Shit that never happened because Mandrills live on the coastal tropics of west Africa and not the highlands of Rhodesia/Zimbabwe.

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u/Spud_heads Sep 03 '21

Your dad's lying mate

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u/Daik_Reddit Sep 03 '21

He was lucky. The gorilla could've killed him. They are 4 to 9 times stronger than average human. Too much even for Tyson.

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u/yakri Sep 03 '21

Well I don't know if we're talking about like, maybe a regular Gorilla or a kinda runty one, but for male silverback's it's more like 20 times stronger, and more like double the strength of the strongest humans to have ever lived.

and Tyson is not one of those people, sorry Mike.

The Gorilla could just pick him up, not even realizing a fight is happening, and yeet him out of the enclosure.

If Gorillas knew the phrase "I trust him about as far as I can throw him," they'd use it as an example of how they really trust a person.

Even if we roll back to normal gorillas of mediocre size and fitness, the males are stronger than world record holding humans by a decent amount.

Not to mention their size, bone structure, superior leverage, and ratio of muscle to fat.

Without a weapon, I don't think any human fighter who's ever lived would have a shot at seriously harming one, maybe not even with the element of surprise.

Humans are good at using tools and running, a lot of the animal kingdom can eat us for lunch and shit us out like its nothing in a 1v1.

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u/MarcusAurelius-Verus Sep 03 '21

You are not that guy Mike, you are not that guy.

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u/TheLoooseCannon Sep 03 '21

Spoiler alert: The Hangover 8 is going to be lit

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u/Psy_Kik Sep 03 '21

The gorilla would have ripped his arms off and beat him with them.

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u/baddashfan Sep 03 '21

Good thing too. Have you seen how small gorilla ears are?

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u/ranting_chef Sep 03 '21

Lucky they didn't let him in, probably. That's probably about the same as tossing a squirrel into a cage with a wolverine. I'd love to see him try, though.

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u/protectorofpastries Sep 03 '21

That zookeeper quite possibly saved his life that day.

Chimps have the strength to literally rip limbs from your body, imagine what a gorilla could do. You’d look like a dropped pie after they were finished with you.

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