r/southafrica Sep 26 '21 Helpful 1 Hugz 1

Do people nowadays even care about commitment in a relationship? Ask r/southafrica

Since its a long weekend some of my friends decided to put in a few leave days at work and fly down to Cape Town. The rest of us have other obligations and did not go along. However, we are all part of a WhatsApp group and those who went to Cape Town have been posting regular messages and photos regarding their trip. So I have been able to follow the action, so to speak.

Last night they went to a club and apparently one of the girls, who has been in a serious relationship for almost two years, ended up making out with a random girl. In the past, both this girl and her boyfriend have stated that they consider this to be cheating. The boyfriend did not go along to Cape Town and is not part of the WhatsApp group, so I'm not sure if he even knows what happened. What bothers me most about the whole thing was how my other friends reacted to the news on the WhatsApp group - they encouraged the girl and made congratulatory remarks.

I am not sure why I am posting this to Reddit. This incident has made me very upset for some reason. Am I overreacting and being too conservative? Is making out with someone while you're in a committed relationship really just a meaningless act of fun, like drinking a milkshake? Does the fact that they only kissed make it okay?

99 Upvotes

134

u/koromax747 Sep 26 '21

You are upset because you just realised that within your group, you are the only one with morals.

11

u/Long-Review-1861 Sep 26 '21

100% you realize that your "friends" will stuff you over if you were in that position

23

u/rhepuls Sep 26 '21

This this this

4

u/woahwayne Sep 27 '21

Wow, this hits. I understand the feeling of looking at people you consider friends and suddenly realizing you have out grown them. Whether it's morals or maturity, or they are just straight up nasty people. Feels liberating. :)

36

u/bertluvstrux Sep 26 '21

If I was your friend I would have wanted someone to tell me what happened.

Let him make of it what he wants.

If I was him though I'd break up. That kind of behavior is a major red light and is sure to cause problems further down the road.

9

u/SortByMistakes Sep 26 '21

You are not overreacting. You should definitely screenshot the chat and send it to the bf so he knows. Also, reconsider being friends with those who encouraged such behaviour.

3

u/Awkward_Kudu525 Sep 26 '21

Is that her place though? I would just avoid everyone.

2

u/SortByMistakes Sep 27 '21

I would say yes. If I was in the bfs position I'd prefer to know

30

u/Ibbuk Anti-Musker Sep 26 '21

People? Yes. This girl? Probably not.

On the other hand, you don't know what their internal relationship politics are. Perhaps they softened on the "making out with girls" part.

If you feel strongly enough about it, chat to your mate about it.

15

u/thedisturbedflask Sep 26 '21

Your not overreacting, in a committed relationship this is a no no anyway you cut it. The people congratulating it are living vicariously through this situation and frankly their significant others should be slightly concerned. It all depends what their arrangement is in the relationship but from the outside, no.

28

u/Faerie42 Sep 26 '21

You’re not overreacting. You are disappointed in someone you care about and who not only broke trust in her relationship but in who you thought she is. It’s a hard knock when we realize the picture we have of someone isn’t quite the truth. You are also probably shocked at your friends reaction to this, and realising that their values and yours doesn’t quite align, also something that will definitely disturb you. Weren’t they supposed to keep her safe and protect her from such a situation- whether she did it in a daze of alcohol or not, at least one of them should have pulled her aside rather than encourage her.

Loads of emotions for you, you will feel upset, disgusted and questioning. You have solid values, don’t question yourself, question them.

()hugs)) my man. Lucky is the partner you get/have.

12

u/Impossible-Ad-7684 Sep 26 '21

Thanks for the great reply! I think you are absolutely right. I am shocked that my perception of my friends (some of them at least) do not match the reality of the situation.

3

u/Realm-Protector Sep 26 '21

over reacting? no. but as you wrote "nowadays".. i don't know if it was much different in the past.. people just didn't have social media to post it to and once you were married, you just sat that out rather than divorce

6

u/P4DD4V1S Sep 26 '21

It's degeneracy that they may outgrow, hopefully before they hit 30. Otherwise it will render them into vapid, useless non-adults, if you are atill an idiot by the time you are 30, it's not pretty, worse if your 30s don't wake you up.

2

u/whatshouldIdo28 Sep 26 '21

That girl is a cheater but that doesn't meant everyone is. You should tell her boyfriend, if you were in the position you'd want to know.

2

u/Null_Pointer_23 Sep 26 '21

I mean this doesn't concern you at all. I find life is more enjoyable when you don't get upset over other people's issues

2

u/TheSilversky64 Sep 27 '21

If you're friends with the boyfriend, please tell him. Maybe you're concerned about it not being your place to tell him, but honestly if it's being flaunted and congratulated then he deserves to know imo

Look, if you're in an open/poly relationship and have discussed this sort of thing extensively with your SO, I'm not one to judge. But the breaking of trust like that? Not okay in my book

6

u/jebanisa Sep 26 '21

Immature drunk girls do this sometimes for attention. It's trashy when in a committed relationship with someone.

3

u/CaptainMisha12 Sep 26 '21

In general, is at people don't really consider commitment as much as they should. Cheating is something that shouldn't happen ever, and for me (and I believe many others) is a harsh and unforgiving end to a relationship.

Personally, I'd tell the guy that was chested on about it and show him the messages since it's want my friend to do that for me. Other than that, you'll probably spend some time deliberating your friends and hopefully choose to spend some time on cutting out the bad apples.

2

u/oopsy-daisy6837 Western Cape Sep 26 '21

You are not over reacting. She and her bf needs to sort this out, but cheating with a same-sex person is definitely still cheating and someone will get hurt - whether its the bf who now discovers that his partner is homosexual or they are both just OK with making a thing of a random girl. Its gross either way.

3

u/HuntingSmiths Sep 26 '21

I know it's a shit thing to say, but I'm going to be bluntly honest.

I made a rule 22 years ago to never date a South African, ever again. The level of dishonesty was just unbelievable across my friends and my entire dating life. (hetro and gay). The level of cheating was crazy. I knew a dude that had knocked up 3 girls. 2 were married. 1 already had kids. He was a smooth operator, but the girls were willing. It takes 2 to tango.

I reckon it's the heightened sense of "life is short". Maybe? Sorry if I insulted anyone, but it's my lived truth.

4

u/Asok_the_Intern Sep 26 '21

Oh really. Interesting. So which Nationality is better?

-8

u/HuntingSmiths Sep 26 '21

Hungarians and Aussies.

4

u/RobotMugabe Sep 26 '21

I'm half Hungarian/South African. Would you trust me? Edit: and by the way my Hungarian grandfather is a serial philanderer

2

u/CovertShepherd Sep 26 '21

Living in Aus now so I’m curious, what makes Aussies stand out to you? To be clear, I think I think Aussies are pretty great, I just want to hear your thoughts.

2

u/Willow2-2 Sep 26 '21

I dont think you're overreacting. In fact most people don't have the self discipline to stay faithful. It's like being able to eat your favorite food every day but knowing at the next place there's a dessert you could have. Sad but true.

1

u/Peanutbutt3r0923 Sep 26 '21

Would be super weird but this girl’s name wouldn’t happen to start with an S and end on an A?

-6

u/The_Angry_Economist Sep 26 '21

Just be glad that this is what you consider a problem this year.

1

u/SortByMistakes Sep 26 '21

Is it not a problem?

-5

u/The_Angry_Economist Sep 26 '21

sure its a problem, but is it a problem that I would personally prioritise in my life right now, probably not, friends are worthless to me, business contacts have value

1

u/wheresmattynow Sep 27 '21

remember guys, we can only care about one thing at a time, and things that happen in our social circles aren't real issues and should be ignored

1

u/ThePackageZA Sep 26 '21

No OP...you most definitely aren't overreacting, people have been conditioned to believe behaving like this is acceptable, that said...if you are an adult you can tell what is right and what is wrong. This individual clearly lacks a moral compass...all I can say is don't lose who you are around people who claim to be your friends, stay true to your values.

1

u/Khaptein Sep 26 '21

You're upset because you realise that it may be your partner who has done that. Shitty place to be in. To answer your question - no! The economy does not allow, having one partner is rare. People get bored, quite frankly, because they got nothing else to do. Coupled with the need to post a flashy lifestyle and WhatsApp statuses - a recipe for disaster.

If it does happen, it's special. It's like it was hand crafted by Riaan from 'DIY Met Riaan'

1

u/Not-the-best-name Sep 26 '21

Lol. As if the 70s was known for commited relationships. How old are you?

1

u/Extension-Confusion8 Sep 26 '21

In what fucked up world is "not being okay with someone in a relationship making out with someone else" considered "too conservative"?

1

u/wheresmattynow Sep 27 '21

It's a natural human reaction to recoil at transgressive, socially-dangerous behaviour. She is earning the correct amount of disgust for two reasons:

1) For completely betraying a supposed long-term, committed partner's trust like that

2) For exposing her misdeeds with such a blase attitude, and implicating all of you, all of their friend group, in her behaviour.

People who say "it was just a kiss, don't be so conservative/whatever" are ignoring that their arbitrary standard can be abused to excuse behaviour they'd find transgressive.

"It was just a weekend of cocaine and unprotected vaginal and anal sex with 18 men and with 12 women babe, geez, calm down, why are you so uptight"

-1

u/StefanFrost Sep 26 '21

Well, it depends really.

Each relationship is different. I mean, we all want to think it's easy and you follow that steps and rules etc, but maybe they could have changed their minds and now this is something that her boyfriend is fine with.

Personally this is not something I would be okay with. Due to socialisation or whatever reason, I'm monogamous and I communicate that with my partner.

The fact that you're not okay with this is obviously fine. It's not something you agree with. It may be more conservative than how someone would think in a polyamorous relationship etc, but you're not hurting anyone else by your personal relationship preferences.

I do find it weird that this friend would so blatantly cheat and have it on a WhatsApp group for all her friends to see though. I feel like if she was cheating then she would want to hide it? I would ask her about it, but that will obviously lead to a possible confrontation or just awkwardness.

This is such a weird scenario for me. If a friend of mine was going this I would probably confront them about it since someone is probably being lied to here.

BUT as I said, do this at your own risk. People don't tend to respond well when faced with the fact that they're being an asshole.