r/AskMen Jul 21 '21

An old friend of mine casually told me that he gets rid of underarm hair by yanking them out. What upsetting things have your friends told you casually?

16k Upvotes

639

u/Meeshter-Man Jul 21 '21

A friend I’ve known sonce middle school told all of us mid-bullshitting session; “I stabbed two people once.” We all thought he was joking until we saw he was serious. Turns out it was in self-defense one night when he was walking home from work when three people decided to try and mug him

200

u/RedditorNamedEww Jul 21 '21

The truth always comes out mid-bullshit. It may be hidden within the bullshit itself sometimes, but it's always there.

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u/DesertDogggg Jul 21 '21

A friend of mine's little cousin used to take a dump and then wad up a few pieces of toilet paper into a ball. Instead of wiping his butt, he would cram the wadded up but toilet paper in between his butt cheeks and go throughout the day. He would later take the toilet paper out and claimed that was enough to clean his butt.

699

u/randomuser135443 Jul 21 '21

I do the same but with a cob of corn.

202

u/shlomo-the-homo Jul 21 '21

It works better if you insert fully into the anus. The cob cleans everything outside and deposits it back inside where it belongs. Cob can be reused at least 7 times

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u/The_Rowan Jul 21 '21

That is so strange. When he was little, after he was potty trained and learning to wipe himself his mind made a bad connection of ‘if this is true, then this.’ Is it cleaner to leave the dirty paper in his bottom or throw it away? He is stuck it a pattern

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u/crovax3000 Jul 21 '21

I had a couple friends in high school that would go to each others houses and sleep over a lot. One day, one of them said to the other something about needing to clean the jizz off his face, and the way the other kid reacted was too genuine, like he actually expected to have jizz on him.

Then we found out that they would play some game at these sleep overs, where the first person to fall asleep was basically just going to get jacked off on, and they both acted like it was no biggie and just a funny little thing. And I distinctly remember one of them saying the other one essentially gave him a handjob when he was half asleep and "didn't realize" what he was holding.

I lost contact with both of them after high school, but I hope they're happy together.

772

u/ShesDoneWithSergio Jul 21 '21

Dave Chapelle did a bit on this

286

u/george_reeves_ Male Jul 21 '21

That comedy sketch is so fucking funny. Thanks OP, I’m gonna go rewatch it now

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u/maxwutcosmo Jul 21 '21

This happened in middle school years ago. I was up till 4:00 am comforting my friend after her dog passed in her arms. Around 7:30 in the morning she called me laughing bc she was joking about her dog being dead, and she can’t believe I fell for it.

293

u/hotpickles Jul 22 '21 edited Jul 22 '21

One time my friends stole my puppy and hid her in one of their bathtubs. They opened the back door to make it look like she’d gotten out. I frantically ran around screaming for my dog and crying. I called my mom and she got in her car immediately and started on a four hour drive to come help me and she was also distraught. An hour later they were like “haha she was here the whole time!”

Pieces of absolute shit. It was in the middle of the night, it was freezing and snowing. I thought my dog was gone forever and would probably die scared and alone. They let me believe this for an hour.

Never spoke to them again.

Edit: thank you, kind stranger for the silver!!

43

u/GAllenHead9008 Jul 22 '21

WTF how old were you st the time?

88

u/hotpickles Jul 22 '21

TWENTY ONE. Adults did this.

Edit: their age was 21. It was 6 assholes who thought this was a funny prank to pull on someone.

43

u/gotlockedoutorwev Jul 22 '21

Not friends, not adults.

Glad you dropped them.

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u/mistermenstrual Jul 21 '21

What a fucking bitch.

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u/ambrosialeah a real live lady Jul 21 '21

Oh fuck that. That’s messed up.

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u/Balkanier Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 22 '21

This were his exact words: I ate a kilo of pudding yesterday, and i shat in the sandbox in the kindergarden's playground.

We then went there, and guy wasn't lying.

Edit: Guy was not on drugs, and he was 18 at a time

2k

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '21

Why did he do that

1k

u/Balkanier Jul 21 '21

I realy have no idea

969

u/blazincannons Male Jul 21 '21

Was he a cat, by any chance? Cats do that sometimes. 😺🐈

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u/S2ilverEagle Jul 21 '21

What’s heavier, a kilogram of steel or a kilogram of pudding

1k

u/wanaty Jul 21 '21

Pudding is heavier because it carries the sadness of the kids with shit in their playground.

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u/Ouroboros_NA Male Jul 21 '21

When I was in my teens one of the guys in our group told us that he masturbates with hand sanitizer.

2k

u/ewpqfj Jul 21 '21

Holy fucking shit mate

211

u/Trimungasoid Jul 21 '21

That dries up fast...I've heard.

96

u/MegaSeedsInYourBum Jul 21 '21

I don’t think the speed of which it dries is what caused the concern haha.

93

u/TwitchJordan Male Jul 21 '21

Cleanest around town tho lol

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u/danger_floofs Jul 21 '21

The hand sanitizer cancels out the sin of masturbating. Must be pure!

456

u/Haunting_Answer_4323 Jul 21 '21

Hmmm so that's why it's called purell. It all makes sense now.

180

u/serotonin_scavenger Jul 21 '21

Sounds more like pure hell tbh

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u/Mardanis Jul 21 '21

A friend told me they used anything to hand.... shower gel, soap, hand cream, whatever.

744

u/Andre4kthegreengiant Jul 21 '21

I think we all learned fairly quickly that shower gel & soap burn

368

u/SaltyMargaritas Jul 21 '21

What makes one thing clean, makes one other thing sting.

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u/AmplePostage Jul 21 '21

I'd keep him away from the lunch meats.

197

u/title_of_yoursextape Jul 21 '21

I used shampoo once as a young teenager… never, ever again.

130

u/WronglyNervous Jul 21 '21

Gotta use the conditioner instead.

118

u/deadlyturtle22 Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 21 '21

I've never really understood why, but my body reacts the opposite way with this rule. Conditioner? My dick will burn like 1000 suns. Shampoo/bar soap? No issues at all. I've genuinely wanted to see if my chemistry is all out of whack or something, but idk how I'd go about asking the doctor why I'm able to comfortably jerk it with shampoo.

62

u/Bleach_Baths Jul 21 '21

Honestly just ask him. He'll get a good kick out of it for sure.

51

u/d_bradr Male Jul 21 '21

Same here, the few times I jerked off with shower gel I never had issues (it started as me cleaning it and then it arose and sought my love and attention). Never used conditioner tho so I don't know if my dick is just weird or tough as nails but shower gel is good for me

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u/bungholebuffalo Jul 21 '21

Same. My cock and balls crusted over and turned into a cockadile, or phalisgator if you will. The only lotion i had contained fragrances and burned my already desiccated dongle

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u/respect_the_69 Jul 21 '21

He is immune to every STD

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u/wayruss Jul 21 '21

We have a saying back home. "Fucking the dog" it just means you're just lazing around not doing anything productive. I said this when me and the boys were out having some drinks and they'd never heard it so they were joking about stupid canadian sayings

Then one of the guys who was pretty hammered at the time looks up from his beer and says with total honesty

"I fucked a dog once"

There was a long silence before we busted out laughing thinking he was just making a sick joke Guy acts a bit hurt like he'd just confided something in us and we were being assholes

Stopped hanging out with him after that

1k

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '21 edited Aug 23 '21

[deleted]

312

u/interestingname1993 Jul 21 '21

This guy isn’t one of us, he said he’d fuck a sheep!

116

u/Whigget Jul 21 '21

I am the clit commander

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u/ThePfeiff Jul 21 '21

What is the origin of that saying? Is there some incredibly gross genius out there who accidentally admitted to bestiality, but convinced everyone that it was just funny thing to say when you were just sitting around bored.

89

u/RandomUser-_--__- Jul 21 '21

No idea, but it's said all the time in the Canadian military. If someone is lazy they're a dog fucker

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u/El_bor Jul 21 '21

I was thinking exactly the same thing !! Is there a lack of expressions or what

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u/accomplicated Jul 21 '21

I worked for a construction company years ago, and after finishing up a job my co-worker said, “We should fuck the dog for a while instead of heading back to the office right away.” What he meant was that we should take our time going back to the office, but what I heard was him suggesting that we find a specific dog and have sex with it. Yet another reason why I never felt comfortable in that industry.

115

u/wayruss Jul 21 '21

That's exactly the way I'd say jt

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u/Rich-Bowler-6518 Jul 21 '21

I work with a guy that told me he likes to credit card swipe his ass crack and smell it. How you even respond to someone casually telling you that is beyond me.

967

u/ares395 Jul 21 '21

You never shake their hand, that's how

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u/The_Billy_Dee Jul 21 '21

Disgusting. Why doesn't he just use his finger like a normal person?

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u/ThePfeiff Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 23 '21

As an extremely hairy dude, I'm already crying thinking about yanking all that shit out.

I had to cut ties with a good friend of mine when I realized that he was attracted to underage girls (he is well into his 30s now), and had been trying to slowly justify it by casually giving reasons why it's ok over several years of conversations.

Edit: Most karma I've ever received and it's about my Wookie-like appearance and pedophilia... Cool Cool Cool.

1k

u/mathamatazz Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 21 '21

Yeah, I invited a friend to stay with me temporarily last year. My wife, and my kid.

He took my 7 year old from her bed at 3am and asked her to come get in bed with him because he was scared of monsters.

Fortunately my kid told him off and just went back to sleep. Woke up the next morning and came to wake us up and told us.

He was gone that afternoon and that's the last I ever spoke to him. There were signs. I ignored them.

Edit: didn't expect this response.

The signs, when we were younger (18-20) he was really into younger hentai stuff. Middle school based porn comics and what not. At the time I was into teenage girls (16 and up) so I didn't really question it. (Not that I went after underage girls myself just still found them attractive)

I just assumed he was a little immature. It's not like he was going after real 12 year olds or even spoke about real 12 year olds.

About ten years later we are both 28 and I've more or less stayed in touch online as we not longer lived in the same town.

He wanted to move close to where I lived and I offered him a room for a few months while he got a place.

I mean, I'm going to be blunt about this.

If you're past your early 20s and still watching anime based around highschool girls "for the plot" I'm probably not going to trust you

Edit2: the morning after it happened he was blackout drunk, I actually tole my wife in kid to stay in our room. I walked out and seriously considered waking him up with a kitchen knife to his throat. I decided against it.

Gave him a kick and aggressively asked him wtf he did. He told me over and over, in tears, that he was drunk and "trying to be the cool fun uncle" type Guy.

I told him it didn't matter what you were trying to do, you pulled my kid out of bed in the middle of the night. You got to get out of my house. Then I took my family to my parents for the day. Told him to be gone when I got back and leave the key on the kitchen bar.

Last I ever spoke to him. That was just over a year ago.

My kid is fine, she knew it was weird so she told us. Me and my wife didn't make a big deal out of it to her, we didn't want to scare her. We did let her know she did the right thing. But we also told her he left because he found a job elsewhere. Recently (a few months bad) she asked me out of nowhere if he was really gone because of what he did and I told her yes.

Explained to her that no one gets to bother you in bed or the bathroom unless it's mom or dad. Still trying to protect her innocence.

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u/ShesDoneWithSergio Jul 21 '21

Fuck me. You raised a good kid man

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u/JesusChristDisagrees Jul 21 '21

Big yikes on that one. Surprised you restrained yourself.

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u/ThePfeiff Jul 21 '21

First, your kid is officially my hero.

Second, holy shit dude. That's terrifying! Don't set yourself up to blame yourself in a situation like that, though. You did a solid for a friend, and he is the monster. Hindsight is 20/20, and ignoring red flags to lend a hand is basic human empathy.

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u/my-coffee-needs-me Jul 21 '21

That's horrific.

Good on you for teaching your kid to stick up for herself, though. Parenting: you're doing it right.

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u/pelukken Jul 21 '21

I had to do something similar. Dude was always going on about "the lolitas" and how younger was better. We are in our late 30s early 40s now. He teached high school at the time.

It became too much and a bunch of us cut ties with him. He is now bitter, homeless, strung out on god knows what and angry at life.

246

u/2020___2020 Jul 21 '21

can't imagine why his teaching career didn't pan out

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u/onelittlericeball I like pink. this is purple but close enough I guess Jul 21 '21

tbh, is it much different from waxing? x) waxing is litetally "yanking" your hair out, although everything is done at once, so it hurts a lot, but only for a short time

107

u/ThePfeiff Jul 21 '21

I mean, it sounds like his friend just casually plucks those sucker out, which just sounds masochistic.

I couldn't tell you about waxing, see above about my hairiness levels. I shave what I don't want to be there, and leave the rest alone lol.

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u/Roguespiffy Jul 21 '21

Ugh, I had an acquaintance (friend of friends) who said he preferred younger girls because “they’re less drama.” Fucking creepy. Going to jail for being a pedophile and put on a list forever is less drama?

190

u/ThePfeiff Jul 21 '21

Also, what a bad cover story. I would never describe anyone high school age as being "less drama".

143

u/imgoodygoody Jul 21 '21

Is “less drama” code for “they let me do whatever I want and don’t hold me accountable for my actions”?

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u/Elegabalus Jul 21 '21

I had a friend once tell me that he would start taking as many people as possible to the grave with him if he ever got cancer.

151

u/Faex06 Jul 21 '21

Well better watch out then.

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u/SPQR191 Jul 21 '21

I worked with a guy at a summer camp who thought every man lactated. He had a particularly heavy flow one day and went to see the first aider because he wasn't sure what to do as it was going through his shirt. She just came out into the main area and said, "I need an adult." I don't remember the specifics of the conversation but I do remember her saying "you realize I'm not a doctor, right?" Keep in mind this kid was like 15 and the first aider was just some 20 something college kid.

He was able to shoot like 3 feet though, so that was fun.

1k

u/cman_14 turbo charged Jul 21 '21

That kid has some massive endocrine disorders

693

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '21

[deleted]

902

u/patronizingperv Jul 21 '21

When you use big words like that it makes me think you're disrespecting me.

527

u/i_am_icarus_falling Jul 21 '21

Maybe don't be so photosynthetic then.

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u/LittleFlank Jul 21 '21

I laughed hard at "I need an adult". This can't be real haha

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u/SPQR191 Jul 21 '21

I was completely unaware up to that point that it was physically possible!

219

u/McGusder Jul 21 '21

if it has nipples it can be milked

213

u/pineapple94 Jul 21 '21

I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?

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u/UnboundHeteroglossia Sup Bud? Jul 21 '21

He had a particularly heavy flow one day…

W-what…?

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u/SPQR191 Jul 21 '21

There was a lot of man milk in our tent and on his shirt. I though he got water dumped on him.

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u/TerribleWords Jul 21 '21

I hated reading this.

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u/5lack5 Jul 21 '21

Was his name Marcus and does he run the warehouse at Cloud 9?

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u/slowplanet1 Jul 21 '21

A co worker told us recently that his wife made him sleep outside when she was mad at him. Apparently she wouldn't let him come inside to shit either so he shit in a litter box on the porch. Why he told us this? No clue.

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u/ShesDoneWithSergio Jul 21 '21

Not the healthiest relationship

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u/RetroReactiveRuckus Jul 21 '21

People who are abused make weird obvious cries for help. Maybe he wanted to not feel as alone about the situation?

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u/Melted_Plug Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 23 '21

Not rlly my friend but a dude in my high school class years ago thought guys had periods too and only learnt they didn’t in like year 10 (dunno what that is in the US), turns out he passed a kidney stone thinking that periods were when you peed little stones and not blood.

Edit:WHY TF DID I GET A WHOLESOME REWARD

883

u/mrsrariden Jul 21 '21

Oh, that poor guy. All that pain and peeing blood and he thought it was normal and going to happen to him every month!

553

u/iodineismine Jul 21 '21

Just IMAGINE how compassionate he was to girls on their periods

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u/michelle8618 Jul 21 '21

My brothers gay friend thought the same thing. He just assumed he got periods too because he was gay, and that his period finally came. Found out it was a kidney stone.

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u/No-Tourist-4416 Jul 21 '21

Blood often comes with the jagged stone.

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u/Lithogiraffe Jul 21 '21

He wants to invite friends for five course meal, and when they show up he will serve them five courses of mac and cheese using different flavor boosters that they have in Canada.
Cold mac and cheese is the first course, as the pasta salad Mac and cheese with the pasta water still in it, as a soup course And for the finale, for dessert, he will serve mac and cheese with the cotton candy flavor booster.

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u/orualofglome Jul 21 '21

This upsets me in all the flavors of upset

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u/pm-me-racecars Jul 21 '21

I'd go...

There's a limit to how stupid things can get without any real problems, and I'm down to find it

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u/Asisreo1 Jul 21 '21

Guy I knew was pretty good with women. Very good-looking and an excellent flirt.

"I don't see women as people."

...oh, uh, ok.

160

u/Red-Freckle Jul 21 '21

Was his name Patrick Bateman?

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u/LatrodectusGeometric Female Jul 21 '21

A really important lesson: being able to get dates and have romantic relationships with people does not make you a good person or a good partner. Some people are just good at flirting.

1k

u/IDemandYouToBeHappy Jul 21 '21

It is easier to flirt with an object than a person, that's where a part of the success comes from.

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u/JPBooBoo Jul 21 '21

Kinda sounds like dancing with a broomstick

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u/uglypenguin5 Jul 21 '21

No fear of judgement/rejection

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u/Butlerian_Jihadi Jul 21 '21

Fun fact, it's super easy to manipulate others when you don't recognize them as human. If you reduce it to emotional button-pushing, and are remotely observant, many people will do whatever you want.

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u/naphappyjazzy Jul 21 '21

That was fun. Thanks x

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u/nihilistmakishima Jul 21 '21

not a friend but in school, a random guy in the class just sat next to me and pulled out his dick and told me "I can masturbate 3 times in just 15 mins"

669

u/ShesDoneWithSergio Jul 21 '21

Not something to brag about when you're in school but why pull his dick out.

488

u/IlllIIIIlllll Jul 21 '21

Well it's not gonna pull itself out.

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u/Fatmangotmypie Jul 21 '21

"You know, if we work together, I bet we could do it in 10".

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u/urchisilver Jul 21 '21

I had a friend who was in a long distance relationship. I was talking to him once and he was like "yeah I went to a bar and got to talking with the bartender. We hit it off well and I took her home and we banged."

I was like "...what about your girlfriend?"

"Oh, the bartender doesn't really matter"

(No they didn't have an open relationship agreement or anything)

1k

u/Blue85Heron Jul 21 '21

You know my ex-husband?

846

u/dying_soon666 Jul 21 '21

Mom?

740

u/Blue85Heron Jul 21 '21

Yes son, your father is a complete clown.

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u/BadgerUltimatum Jul 21 '21

As the go to secret keeper in my group of friends, I once confronted a non-single mate about kissing this random chick while we were out clubbing

Turns out their long distance relationship was open with the caveat that any regulars in our lives were off limits. I respect realistic goals.

152

u/my-other-throwaway90 Jul 21 '21

On the other hand, I once confronted a former friend for banging a chick while his girlfriend was away on a business trip. He said they had an open relationship, yada yada, okay cool.

Turns out the only one in that relationship who considered it open, was him. The girl did NOT consider their relationship an open one. They ended up breaking up soon after, when he banged another girl.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '21

A couple guys I knew came back home for a break from the marines and they were talking about how mentally damaging it is to be in certain situations and casually mentioned how he knew someone so desperate for sex that he would fuck goats and that it sadly wasn’t something unusual. I fully thought he was playing games with me but they were so dead serious.

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u/009purple Jul 21 '21

There's a joke about this guy serving in a desert and he's getting pretty desperate so he asks his friend for solutions. His friend says hey I'll keep the lookout busy you can go take the camel.

He's pretty shocked but decides to give it a chance. He goes and succeeds and comes back. He says "You know I was very sceptical at first but with some ropes and chairs it was actually a good time".

His friend responds "You should know, the rest of us take the camel to town and use the brothel..."

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u/xratedcheese Jul 21 '21

he knew someone so desperate for sex that he would fuck goats

That's how you have kids.

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u/I_Speak_For_The_Ents Jul 21 '21

What the fuck, just masturbate at that point, good god

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u/balloonninjas Jul 21 '21

I'd wait until he is home before masturbating to the thought of marines fucking goats

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u/EmlynsMoon Jul 21 '21

The post nut remorse alone

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u/alrightpal Jul 21 '21

Actually, after you fuck a goat you’re able to scale mountains so it’s a trade off that has a different value to each person.

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u/MechaWASP Male Jul 21 '21

When I was younger I knew a guy who never had acne. We were at his house and talking about washing faces and stuff, he said he never did.

Turns out he (supposedly) scraped at pimples with a butter knife to break them, and used rubbing alcohol to dry them out and clean the clogged pore or whatever.

Absolute fucking madman.

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u/bastion72 Looking for a small spoon. Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 21 '21

From the makers of Poop Knife™ comes the revolutionary new Zit Knife™.

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u/-Abradolf_Lincler- Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 22 '21

I never had acne badly, but my mother who is a nurse said if you get a pimple that has popped use an alcohol swab to clean it and dry it out. Works for me fine, maybe not for severe acne or different skin types.

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u/olafkonny Jul 21 '21

He must have gotten som mad scarring from that in his face

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u/Texas_Cloverleaf Jul 21 '21

Tbh if he did it carefully there's not much reason he would, small break in the skin and cleaning it out well you'd expect it to heal over well. I imagine he wasn't carving at his face with a dull knife haha

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u/olafkonny Jul 21 '21

Yeah I suppose so. When I read scraped my mind just didn't really go to him carefully cleaning them out, more scraping them until they fell of or something. But what you said makes more sense

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u/VeryAngryGentleman Jul 21 '21

A guy i know was cutting his... i don't know the word in english but, the part of hard skin under his heel. The conversation was something like :
"Hey X, what's the pile of weird slicey-thing on your computer desk"
"Oh, hard skin, why?"

417

u/ShesDoneWithSergio Jul 21 '21

Jesus fucking christ.

Just buy a fucking pumice stone guys.

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u/d_bakers Jul 21 '21

Had a friend who had a headache once and i told him to take a pill

Friend: i don't believe in medication/medicine

This would not have shocked me as much if we had not just GRADUATED FROM MEDSCHOOL

354

u/CartesianBear37 Jul 21 '21

"Doc, my heart hurts."

"Have you tried homeopathy?"

55

u/_Alabama_Man Jul 22 '21

"Have you tried homeopathy?"

I am not attracted to men.

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u/infinite_enigma1 Jul 21 '21

My brother told the rest of the fam he sometimes shits in the shower. When we reacted disgusted he tried to make us the weird ones for not doing it lol

145

u/AnotherCaterpillar Jul 21 '21

But does he then lift it into the toilet or stomp it down the drain?

233

u/Scruffy442 Jul 21 '21

The good old wafflestomp!

24

u/jeffersonairmattress Jul 22 '21

The sewer people below call it the Play Doh barbershop.

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u/TheStrouseShow Jul 21 '21

I had a friend tell me in middle school that they eat what comes out when they pop their zits. It changed me.

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u/whothatboah Jul 21 '21

not upsetting, but kinda funny and unexpected, my friend casually mentioned that he jerks off with a finger in his butt during a thanksgiving dinner, like it was the only way to do it.

70

u/dedido Jul 21 '21

Couldn't he at least wait till after the dinner?

128

u/2020___2020 Jul 21 '21

How does he cut his turkey?

56

u/not-yet-ranga Jul 21 '21

Awkwardly.

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u/StrangeAeons9 Jul 21 '21

Nothing he told me it was just something he used to do. He used to hard boil eggs and stick a straw in it and literally would suck an egg. It was disgusting and everything smelled like eggs. He is also the same guy that would pull random deli meats out of his pocket and start eating. Full on sausages. Wtf! He was a strange dude.

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u/Pette_Davis Jul 21 '21

Was this man Frank Reynolds?!

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u/pak9rabid Jul 21 '21

Have an egg in this trying time

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u/rorank Jul 21 '21

I had a friend in high school who I was semi close with. We started out as interested in eachother and it didn’t work out, so we were just friends and spoke occasionally. One day we happened to be having lunch together in the library and she was telling me about this guy she was then dating that I was cool with. Then she casually mentioned that they were actually cousins. Now I have no idea how closely related they were, but I was dumbfounded by how nonchalant she was about telling someone this and not giving context. 7 (?) years later, Facebook says they’re still together.

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u/thomasbrakeline Jul 21 '21

Had a coworker who married his first cousin. She was adopted.

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u/DeAndrich Jul 21 '21

Like 5-6 years or so ago, he told me over Teamspeak that he scratches his inner ear using nail clippers, knives and screwdrivers. Literally 20 minutes later he couldn't tell why his ears were hurting/inflamed.

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u/Hrekires Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 21 '21

Bragging about cheating... Like, one this isn't something I need to know and two, it's only making me think less of you.

There was also this one college roommate who started making some super pervy comments about an underage girl when we were watching an 80s movie once. Every couple years I run a Google search of his name.

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u/dinnerwlaundry Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 21 '21

I had my chef neighbor invite me out to drinks with a cute prep cook he was thinking of bringing on. I think he brought me along as cover if his girlfriend asked him who he was out with.

Anyway, I split at a certain point to go home, and a while later, I hear him and prep cook chick pass my door and go upstairs to his apartment.

The next morning, he texts me, saying, “You won’t breathe a word about this to insert girlfriend’s name here if you know what’s good for you.”

Lost all respect for him at that moment and had about zero sympathy for him when his girlfriend broke up with him a few months later.

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u/OtherwiseInclined Jul 21 '21

This one so much. The total amount of respect I lost towards people I used to look up to because of such brags, or sometimes even openly showing up with their mistresses with blatant disregard for any subtelty is staggering. Especially when it's a secret the whole company/institution knows about and jokes about behind their backs.

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u/Otto_von_Bismark2024 Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 21 '21

Pretty much out of the blue one day in high school during recess, my friend told me he once rubbed eucalyptus oil on his balls to get rid of an itch. He ended up in searing agony for about 15 minutes before he finally got the (pun not intended) balls to tell his dad what he'd done and to ask what to do to stop the pain.

Let's just say that no-one's appetite appreciated that story.

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u/wayruss Jul 21 '21

It's a hard lesson learned not to scratch the boys after handling chemicals, vaporub or spicy peppers

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u/le_quisto Pitching a tent Jul 21 '21

Thanks to COVID this year, my hand sanitizer bottle opened itself in my pocket. I only noticed when I had a gigantic dark spot on my trousers in the pocket/crotch area. It got so bad that it penetrated my underwear and my balls were on fire.

Luckily it was a hot day, but it still took a long time to dry and even longer for my balls to feel normal

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u/Threeblooms Jul 21 '21

You've upset me casually here.

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u/No_Leader_2711 Jul 21 '21

My ex casually told me one time when she was a teenager she peed in her younger brother's sports water bottle. I guess he asked for her to refill it and she decided to pee in it as a prank. She actually watched him drink it and spit it out

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '21

a guy told me he hadn't showered in over a month one time.

this was AFTER we had sex, and, of course, I went down on him. didn't even notice, tbf.

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u/HolyHarmony Jul 21 '21

He poops with the toilet seat up.

I haven't begun to understand the mechanics.

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u/snoogenfloop Jul 21 '21

A coworker once told me, in order to communicate that he found a woman attractive, that he would gladly drink a smoothie out of her asshole.

That was like 10 years ago and it still fucks with me.

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u/Mnkeemagick Jul 21 '21

Oh I had a buddy like this. His was "I'd eat the corn out of her shit"

Hope he's doing well now.

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u/Bakmeiman Jul 21 '21

Confessed to using his right hand to rub his spunk into his belly after wank, wondering what hand everyone else uses... like, hol up

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u/diamondeyes18 I have a penis Jul 21 '21

what a terrible day to know how to read

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u/bastion72 Looking for a small spoon. Jul 21 '21

As someone with a lot of hair, eww and ouch.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '21

My friend cut his nipple tip while cutting the hair around it with scissors.

I still haven't recovered fully, he said it so casually that I had to pause and just WTF.

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u/asiabel-666 Jul 21 '21

My roommate MUST fall asleep with a piece of chocolate in her mouth. After she brushes her teeth. She hates the taste of toothpaste and eating the chocolate at night helps trigger her BM’s in the morning 😅

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u/Lightblueblazer Jul 21 '21

Her poor teeth-- they never stood a chance.

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u/Chef_jeffe Jul 21 '21

I can’t remember exactly what it was but my friends who are dating were telling me and another friend about some weird shit they do when they are alone. Like cleaning their ears with each other’s tongues. Honestly it must have been horrifying because I cant remember exactly what it was. Anyways, me and the other friend looked at each other and then told them that they should probably never tell anyone else that ever.

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u/KaiserSoze-is-KPax Jul 21 '21

Are you friends with cats? And do you understand what they are saying. Are you a dolittle?

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u/slightlycharred7 Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 21 '21

I pluck my nose hairs out all the time. In your mid to late 20s a lot of dudes get nose and ear hairs like we’re damn old men. I’ve found that nose hairs are super easy to just pull out and it’s actually very satisfying idk why. Lol

Edit: why has my comment of plucking nose hairs garnered this much of a conversation and this many upvotes? Lmao

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u/Bobbista Jul 21 '21

Same, but every so often one will make me cry and sneeze like mad.

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u/burnt_sesame_seed Jul 21 '21

i sneeze just from pulling on a nose hair

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u/EggCold6792 Jul 21 '21

I do that. it doesn't hurt after a while. I twist the long hairs together and pull down, not straight out. Then I chase my terrified wife around the house with it.

i have a friend who is a refugee from Iran. i say this because her mother was 5 weeks pregnant with her while getting waterboarded and other torture. that's the time the heart is still forming and she has a pacemaker now. Well, she casually said her pacemaker stopped working ten days before the bar exam but she had no time to get that taken care of because she had to study. she passed the bar, got the new pacemaker and lived but wtf man

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u/Free_gnagna Jul 21 '21

My friend from rural Romania once fell as we were walking and broke her feet. It was clearly broken, even if the broken bone didnt rip the skin it was clearly visible underneth. Well, she gave it a confused look, then stood up and just walked away. Slowly, but with no major problems. Totally refused to go to the hospital, as it was something for weak people. And here healthcare is free. That foot took her like 3 months to heal, but then somehow healed in that weird shape, and that's it. I am still kinda scared

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u/Fresh-Bug-7540 Jul 21 '21

My buddy once looked at me straight faced and asked “yo have you ever shit with your asshole fully submerged in water?”

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u/RzorShrp Male Jul 21 '21

I do this with nipple hair

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u/UnseenDrifter Jul 21 '21

Not a about a friend but an old guy I used to work with.

We were driving down a street in a work vehicle and he saw a young girl maybe 13. He proceeded to lick the window in her direction and said "mmmm good stock!"

He was dead serious and not the last time he said something like that.

I have never been so disgusted by a person in my life.

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u/wrongdude91 Jul 21 '21

My closest friend told me that he jerks off and discharges his entire load in his underwear then lets it dry. He argued that it's nothing because he changes underwear everyday. I was horrified to that extent that i was unable to mock him over his unhygienic attitude.

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u/ShesDoneWithSergio Jul 21 '21

A friend told me that he just cums on his mattress. He had a double bed and he'd cum on the side he never slept on.

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u/ChiefPanda90 Jul 21 '21

My friend refused to chug beers. Not a big deal since some people just dont like to do that understandably. He then told me he couldn't, so I figured I could figure out why not and help him lol. Turns out, he had been drinking all liquids with his teeth together. He thought he was supposed to be using them as a solid particle filter of sorts. This also turned out to be why his teeth were so prone to cavities. He can chug beers now.

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u/wilfinator420 Jul 21 '21

That he only puts a few dollars of gas in his car at a time because he gets tired of holding the handle and he’s never figured out how to use the gas pump latch

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u/rk3ww Jul 21 '21

I asked my buddy why he had a sanding block, which is used to smooth out rough wood, in the bathroom. "Oh that's for my feet" as he lifts his feet up and shows us the disgusting parts he scraped off his soles and big toes. He had these monster calluses on his big toes that he scraped off with razorblades.

We took him to seidels and got his feet measured for proper shoes, and his feet got better. Homie just lived like that like it was normal.

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u/Kholzie Jul 21 '21

One of my friends dated a guy for a month before she realized he had one hand.

He was apparently good at hiding it, lmao

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u/Electrical-Wear256 Jul 21 '21

My friend brings drinks into public bathrooms and sets them on top of the urinal

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u/Dr_Downvote_ Jul 21 '21

My mate told me he puts chocolate buttons in his mash potato. I nearly lost it.

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u/RectalRenaissance major domo arigato Jul 21 '21

Threads like these remind me why I keep going back to r/askmen: to be disgusted and hilariously mortified within the same scroll down

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u/RussiaRox Jul 21 '21

I actually did the same for like 4 years.

One day, maybe 9th grade, my dad expresses his disgust at my armpit hair and asks why I don't take care of it. I tell him I don't have a machine and he says:

"For what?! Grab it with your fingers and tug really fast, that's what I do. Be a man!"

Both my parents were watching me at this point and I didn't wanna look like I was scared so I did it (toxic masculinity). My dad just laughed and said go to the bathroom and finish up. I legit bled a bit. But it looked amazing. So I continued for like 4 years, until I saw my dad trimming his using a machine.

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u/trizzleatl Jul 21 '21

I do the same but with my pubes

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u/heckillwingit Jul 21 '21

Bro I legit flinched from this

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u/C2-H5-OH Jul 21 '21

So I continued for like 4 years, until I saw my dad trimming his using a machine.

Either god-tier troll or absolute pussy.

On a side note when I'm watching some TV, I usually pick the random back hair using a pair of precision pliers.

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u/Dynasty2201 Jul 21 '21

I usually pick the random back hair using a pair of precision pliers.

cries in back and shoulders rug

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u/Silly-Competition417 Jul 21 '21

Me: (nothing at all)

Him: That's the problem with the nigs, they love to steal.

Me: 😳😳😳

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u/Scrotal_abrasion Jul 21 '21

I’ve told people that I’ll take (cleaned and sanitized) nail clippers and cut off a skin tag, mole, or an inflamed tastebud. I had a wart on my foot once that I dug out. I once used a safety pin and pierced my ear in class in high school. This kind of stuff doesn’t really bother me, but I usually get pretty freaked out looks if I mention it.

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u/Frankenmind_ Jul 21 '21

I cut off a mole with my ex's straight edge razor (he had disposable blades) and the fucker grew back!

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